Note from Tim: I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor.
We were overjoyed when my wife first showed me the positive pregnancy test. Ecstatic. It was hard to believe that in 7 1/2 short months, we would be holding our baby. Since I was a pastor several states away from family, we wanted to make this announcement really special. That Friday, we bought the books What Grandparents Do Best and What Aunts and Uncles Do Best to send in the mail. We planned to write notes over the weekend to accompany the books so they would be ready to mail on Monday. But Saturday morning, we were in the E.R. We were having a miscarriage.
What would you say if you received a call from a grieving husband like me? How would you help him and his wife as they went through this time?
Miscarriage is a difficult situation for many reasons. The pain is deep, and especially when a couple has not announced the pregnancy, they may conceal that pain. However, as a pastor or church leader, if you hear of a couple in your church that has had a miscarriage, God has given you that knowledge so you can share and show His grace to that couple. Here are three ways you can meet them with hope.
1) Acknowledge it as a death and loss.
As pro-life people, we acknowledge that every human life has value and dignity (Psalm 139). We can be strong on abortion being wrong, and that is a good thing. But we need to also be strong in acknowledging that what we know to be true about human life in the womb means that a miscarriage is a loss of human life.
Because a miscarriage is earlier on in pregnancy than a stillbirth, sometimes others do not even know that the couple was expecting.1 Many parents who experience a miscarriage suffer silently, and when they do open up about a miscarriage, they need comfort and acknowledgment of this loss. Ignoring it hurts. Moving toward them in a phone call or setting up a time to meet if they would like can mean the world as they deal with the grief of shattered expectations and hopes for that new life. It is important to involve your wife in these conversations as it is also an opportunity for her to minister. When that is not possible, it is helpful to get permission to share it with a trusted woman or two in the church who will reach out to the mother so she has other Christian women to talk with about her loss.
Simply praying with them may be the pastoral care they need during that season. If the pregnancy was widely known or if they are very open about the miscarriage, it may even be appropriate to ask them if they would like it shared on the church prayer list or e-mail so that others in the local body can pray for them. Acknowledging a miscarriage as a reason for grief can in itself bring healing.
2) Counsel them from the Word.
All pastors and church leaders need to be ready to answer the question, “Is my baby in heaven?” Too many believe we need to be agnostic regarding this question. In other words, they believe it may be true that God saves babies. They say the attributes of God point us in that direction, but they believe Scripture is silent on the issue. I believe God is clear in Scripture that He welcomes into heaven every baby who dies, born or unborn. I believe this for four main reasons.
First, consider God’s view of children (Ezekiel 16:21; Jonah 4:11; Jeremiah 19:4; Isaiah 7:15-16). God claims ownership over all babies whom He calls “innocents,” even those of pagan nations. Second, consider Jesus’s love for children (Mark 10:13-16; Luke 18:15-17; Matthew 19:13-15). There is no other instance in Scripture of Jesus specifically blessing those destined for hell. Third, consider King David’s belief (2 Samuel 12:22-23). David was comforted with much more than the thought that he would join his infant son in the grave someday—he expected that he would see him again! Fourth, consider theological reasons. Scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Ephesians 5:5, and Revelation 20:12-13show that we are saved by grace but condemned by works. Whenever Scripture describes those who will inhabit hell, the emphasis is on their willful sin and rebellion against God. I agree with Spurgeon, who preached: “We hold that all infants [who die] are elect of God are therefore saved, and we look to this as being the means by which Christ shall see of the travail of His soul to a great degree, and we do sometimes hope that thus the multitude of the saved shall be made to exceed the multitude of the lost.”2
I have written more on this topic elsewhere, but John MacArthur’s book Safe in the Arms of God extensively dives into this crucial topic. When I wrote a seminary paper on the eternal destiny of babies, I found that previous generations who dealt with higher infant death rates often wrote about this more. But all pastors need to dive deeply into this at some point. It is not theoretical. It is a pressing pastoral issue when a miscarriage happens or when a baby dies.
Even a pastor who is unsure of his theology in this area needs to be prepared with some encouragement from the Word for parents grieving a miscarriage because the Holy Spirit brings healing through the Word of God.
3) Offer practical help from the church if needed.
As you minister to the family, see if there are practical ways the church can help and come alongside them in their grief. Of course, the needs will vary with the situation, but asking about the need for meals or other help during recovery time can go a long way. My wife and I both remember feeling the love and help of the body of Christ as some meals were brought to us after our first miscarriage and again in another church years later as a second miscarriage included medical complications. Knowing that we were loved and not alone brought great comfort.
It is a good pastoral practice to follow up with a couple in the months following the miscarriage, even if that starts with a quick check-in. They might be dealing with other situations later, such as infertility, depression, or needing encouragement in their marriage. I have never regretted checking in on a couple a month or two after a miscarriage, but I have regretted not checking in on them.
Christ always cares for His sheep, and while we are not Christ, we can reflect him when we show special care to those who are suffering the unique hurts a miscarriage brings. Through faithful pastors and churches, hurting couples can experience the healing and hope that Christ brings.
- While this article focuses on miscarriage, couples who face stillbirths will need much of the same ministry and perhaps even more support. The CDC defines the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth: “a miscarriage is usually defined as loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, and a stillbirth is loss of a baby at or after 20 weeks of pregnancy.” https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html ↩︎
- Spurgeon, Expositions of the Doctrines of Grace. ↩︎
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