Category: Marriage

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A Loving Life: A Book (and a Life) that Small-Town Pastors Need

This article originally appeared at Small Town Summits Articles. I serve as the Content Manager for Small Town Summits Articles.

There are books, both in the Bible and on your shelf, that can sometimes take you by surprise. They are books that God uses to shake you up, to comfort you, to strengthen you, or to show you blind spots in your life or ministry. The book of Ruth and a book about Ruth, A Loving Life: In a World of Broken Relationships by Paul E. Miller, both did that for me recently.

The book of Ruth has left our church, and me, changed. A Loving Life left me in tears as I read the last page, something that hadn’t happened to me in a long time.

I had planned to preach the book of Ruth for Advent this year, and about a month before I would begin preaching it, I was at a Small Town Summits Leadership Retreat. One of our co-founders, David Pinckney, recommended A Loving Life, a study of Ruth, and said that it was one of the best marriage books he had ever read that isn’t really a marriage book. Since I love studying the topic of marriage and was going to be preaching the book of Ruth soon, I ordered it that week. A month later, I ordered it for our Elders and Deacons to read and encouraged their wives to read it as well, and ordered another copy for our church library. It’s that good.

There was something about studying the book of Ruth at this season in our church’s life that was just exactly what we needed. Church members were encouraged to see God working in ordinary lives in a small town through ordinary means of kindness and hard work. There was a freshness to the gospel as we saw how God prepared the line of King David and ultimately the line of King Jesus to come through Ruth and Boaz. We marveled at the patience and mercy of God in bitter Naomi’s life as she thought she had returned to Bethlehem empty, but then experienced the fullness of God’s grace by the end of the book. And we were challenged and inspired by Ruth’s kindness and chesed love as she reflected the covenant steadfast love of Yahweh over and over and over again throughout the book.

A Loving Life helped me to process the book of Ruth in bite-size chapters that explain a small portion of the text, with robust application and illustration for today. Here are three reasons that the biblical lessons from A Loving Life are especially relevant to small-town pastors. 

Reminders that God Works Through the Small and the Ordinary

God’s providence is all over the book of Ruth and because of this, all over A Loving Life. It is impossible to read these books and feel that God is distant or uninvolved in small places and ordinary lives. Bethlehem was not Jerusalem—yet this is where this great drama that ultimately leans towards God’s plan of redemption in Christ takes place. Ruth went to work gleaning in a field to provide for her and Naomi while Naomi grieved—and through that ordinary act of work God provided food, a husband, a baby to continue the family line, and a place for Ruth and Boaz in the kingly line of Christ!

Small-town pastors need to often be reminded that God works through the small and the ordinary. We need to hear what Miller writes: “To love is to limit…Ironically, the experience of love, of narrowing your life, broadens and deepens your life….Love always involved a narrowing of the life, a selecting of imperfection. So God’s love for us lands. It landed in Bethlehem sometime in the fall or winter of 5/6 BC as a little Jewish boy. God’s love is so specific it boggles the mind.”[1]

Reminders that God Works To Humble Us and Then Exalt Us

In one of the most significant chapters in the book, “The Gospel Shape of Love,” Miller explains how God often brings resurrection through death to ourselves. He explains how we are not trapped in a pagan view of the world, a cycle of life and death. Rather, because of the gospel our lives literally move through a “J-curve” of life, death, and then resurrection.

This is not only about eternity, because many times this is how God works in our lives as followers of Jesus today. We are called to die to our dreams and desires to live for what God has called us to. For small-town pastors, this often means humbling ourselves to be content with a small, hidden place of service, knowing that God sees and knows and cares. When we don’t work to exalt ourselves but to exalt Jesus where he has sovereignly placed us to serve him, we are in exactly the place he wants us to be. As Miller describes this spiritual principle: “As we go downward into death, we are active: active in seeking humility, in taking the lower place, in mindless, hidden serving. This is the journey Jesus took…We can do death. But we can’t do resurrection. We can’t demand resurrection—we wait for it.”[2] In dying to ourselves, in exalting Jesus, he lifts us up, giving us contentment today, occasional vistas of his work through us today, and ultimately invaluable eternal reward in heaven.

Reminders that God Works Through People Committed to Love

Over and over again, we see Ruth absolutely committed to loving others, and in particular her mother-in-law Naomi, whose God she now serves wholeheartedly. By studying the life of Ruth, we are challenged to love others more like how God calls us to—whether that is through loving your spouse, your children, a widow, a foster child, that difficult church member, or the person in your small town who hates the presence of your church in the community. The kind of love Ruth displays again and again is a quiet pointer to the love of her greatest descendant, “…the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20b)

A Loving Life is one of those rare books that I felt I could have just dipped in highlighter. I hope that you will read it and be challenged and encouraged and changed. I hope that you will share it with your leaders so that you can all grow into excelling still more at living lives of love. I’ll let the very end of Miller’s book leave you with the last word:

Everything Ruth does—from walking through the gates ignored and unthanked to giving her newborn son to Naomi—is a function of her love for Naomi…You simply can’t beat love. You can’t out-humble it. You can’t suppress it, because you are always free to love no matter how someone treats you. If others are putting nails through your hands, you can forgive them. If someone is shouting curses at you, you can silently receive them. Love is irrepressible.

Faith and hope will one day pass away, but not love. Love is forever.[3]

[1] A Loving Life, p. 74.

[2] A Loving Life, p. 71.

[3] A Loving Life, p. 156.

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Why Should Christians Care About the Definition of Marriage? Understanding Important Bible Passages

This article first appeared at the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission.

I still remember the first time I heard a Christian question why it was bad for the government to change the legal definition of marriage. I was an associate pastor in Washington state, and in 2012 the state voted to allow legal same-sex marriage, three years before Obergefell legalized it nationwide. As people were discussing how they felt about changing a definition that had held firm for all of human history prior, a member of my church shared that she didn’t understand why most Christians were against the state changing the definition of marriage. She expressed that she did understand that Christians should personally be opposed to same-sex marriage given the Bible’s clear teaching on marriage, but she did not see any compelling reason that we should care about what the government allows or defines as marriage.

A decade later, there are many reasons we could clearly point to, ways that same-sex marriage has changed our culture. To name a few: legal battles for conscience protections for small businesses, many religious adoption agencies closing down as they were forced to change their firmly held religious beliefs or stop helping children, the cascade of gender dysphoria that is especially hitting our teens and young adults, and gender and sexuality options that are now being taught openly in our public schools, even to elementary students. But as clear as some of those reasons are for concern, as the Senate now moves toward repealing the 1996 “Defense of Marriage Act,” is there a theological reason that Christians should care about the definition of marriage in our broader culture? To put it another way, is there a “gospel reason” that Christians cannot support the legal definition change of marriage?

A theology of marriage 

Jesus was asked difficult theological questions about marriage by his disciples. While the issue his followers asked about in Matthew 19 and Mark 10 may have been directly about divorce, the answer Jesus gave continues to echo down to us today, answering questions about why Christians should care about the definition of marriage. Just in the first phrase of his reply, Jesus shows why marriage is only truly between a man and a woman: “He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female’” (Matt. 19:4) Jesus takes the disciples—and us—way back. He pulls them back to the Garden of Eden when humanity, and marriage, were first created. 

The Lord clearly lays out that God created Adam as a male and Eve as a female, which will become significant the deeper we dig into why God created humans and marriage the way that he did. Jesus also reminds us that God is the Creator, which means that he not only knows what is best for human flourishing, but also that we do not get to make up our own definition for institutions that God has created such as marriage. If we do so, it will have disastrous consequences as we try to “un-god” God, and “god” ourselves with the powers of creation. Because God created it, marriage was never ours to change.

Next, Jesus explains more about why marriage is deeper and more significant than we often give it credit for, by quoting Genesis again and then adding his own divine thoughts. He explains: “’Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ . . . So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt. 19:5-6). As Jesus explains the significance of marriage here, he gives us huge clues as to why same-sex marriage is not just a bad idea, but is not really marriage. When Jesus talks about marriage in terms of “man” and “wife,” he is not simply speaking to a different culture and time as if in the future, more progressive ideas could erase the way God originally created marriage. He brings the disciples back to creation to show them that the way we understand marriage must go back to when God first created it. Jesus shows us that there is profound significance in a husband and wife becoming “one flesh.” 

There is beauty, function, meaning, and even gospel pointers in marriage between a husband and wife. A man and woman in marriage are different and yet equal, separate and yet joined together as one. This cannot be done between a husband and husband or wife and wife. Not only do they not fit together in the same way physically, but in taking away the God-created differences between man and woman and replacing them with sameness, homosexual marriage also takes away the “one flesh” union that Jesus speaks of here. It is only in the differences of male and female (Matt. 19:4) that there can be the union of marriage (Matt. 19:5-6). Remember, Jesus started answering the disciples’ questions about marriage by asking, “Have you not read?” If Jesus were answering us today as we asked him about same-sex marriage, there is no doubt that he would say something along the lines of, “Have you not read?”, referring to either Genesis or the Gospels, and then, “What therefore God has not joined together, let not man join together.”

But I believe there is at least one more passage Jesus would bring us to with our same-sex marriage questions today. In Ephesians 5, we learn—astoundingly—that God’s design for marriage points to the gospel. As a common grace for both believers and unbelievers, God created marriage from the beginning of time to be something embedded in culture that would point to the love of Jesus for his bride. This is often hard for us to grasp because we don’t mirror this as clearly as we should. But in the union between a man and a wife, there is a pointer to the union of Jesus with his people. The marriage covenant points to the New Covenant. 

Near the end of the longest New Testament passage on marriage Paul explains, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:32) Every marriage between a man and a woman points in some way to Jesus and the gospel, for those who have eyes to see it, even if only in the fact that there is a deep union. The only question is, how clear and well-focused or how tarnished is that picture? But same-sex marriage does not create that picture of the gospel at all. God never intended it to, and it can’t, because it is in our very differences that we find union.

Conclusion

Given the cultural winds, the ideology that leads to the celebration of same-sex marriage and other gender identity issues will continue to gain ground in hearts and minds. But for Christians, while we love those involved in homosexuality as people made in the image of God, we cannot celebrate or endorse same-sex marriage, and we should encourage our legislators to do the same—for the good of families and our wider society.

Because God embedded marriage into culture as a quiet pointer to the covenant love of Jesus for his bride, Christians have more work to do in sharing our faith and discipling our kids and young believers. We have to now build a broader foundation, including the fact that God has clearly defined marriage and that it is not best for our societies or gospel witness when we tamper with it. Yet, in this context, while we have more urgent opportunities to disciple others in how God created marriage, Christian marriages can grow. We can repent of and grow in any ways that we have not pointed to Jesus in our marriages like we should. As confusion grows in what marriage actually is, Christians have an opportunity to shine brighter through living in their marriages as better representatives of Jesus—which starts in our homes and in our churches. While our broader culture becomes less clear about marriage, may we continue to proclaim that the covenant of marriage as God has designed points to the New Covenant of the gospel. And as the basic accepted definition of marriage changes, may we say with our joyful covenant-keeping what is being unsaid all around us.

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How Does Knowing Jesus Change How I Think About Sex?


An edited spin-off of this article was featured at The Gospel Coalition, entitled, “Embrace a Countercultural Vision of Sex.”

Knowing Jesus really does change everything. Not only does it mean that I know that I have a relationship with God, that my sins are forgiven, and that I will be in Heaven forever after I die–but knowing Jesus changes all of life now.

Knowing Jesus changes how I think about work, finances, friendship, parenting, marriage, and yes–also sex. You might even be able to say, “especially sex.”

For example, knowing Jesus changes how I think about work being for God’s glory, but some of the biblical principles that change how I work are also principles that are often still looked upon highly in society–working hard, for example, or providing for my family.

But the ways that knowing Jesus changes how I think about sex are not something that our culture usually agrees with–or even comes close to understanding. I think as believers, we have to be ok with that to a certain degree. After all, without knowing Jesus we would surely think about sex very differently than we do. Here are three ways that knowing Jesus radically changes how you and I think about sex.

“God knew what he was doing when he created sex and the parameters that would ultimately bring us joy and human flourishing.”

  1. Knowing Jesus shows me that sex is for only within biblical marriage.
    When I was in High School and heard the “locker room talk” from other guys around me, it was obvious that there was a huge difference in the way that the world generally thought about sex, and the way that followers of Jesus are called to think about sex. But I had no idea then the complexities that the current “sexual revolution” was bringing to the way that people would think about sex just two decades later. In my first week of Spanish class, I learned words like “food” and “homework.” In my son’s first week of Spanish class, he learned the word “bisexual” (yes, it is spelled the same in Spanish and English). Yet all societal changes aside, whether in the 90s or 2020s or the 60s or the time of the Roman Empire, knowing Jesus shows me that sex is for only within biblical marriage.

    No matter how much our cultural tides may come and go, God’s design for sex continues to be obeyed only within the committed monogamous covenant relationship of marriage between a man and a woman.

    The Apostle Paul saw this understanding of sex as so basic to knowing Jesus, he wrote an entire paragraph about it to the young church in Thessalonica: “…For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:2-8)

    God knew what he was doing when he created sex and the parameters that would ultimately bring us joy and human flourishing. He knew that sex is powerful like fire, and that it can bring great destruction like when a house burns down, or great warmth and joy like when a fire stays within a fireplace on a snowy night.

    It takes faith to really believe this today. But it doesn’t take a lot of analysis of the consequences of sexual sin to realize that the Creator knew exactly what he was doing when he loved us enough to give us the gift of sex, and loved us enough to give us the parameters for sex.

  2. Knowing Jesus shows me that my sexuality is a power to be used for my spouse’s benefit.
    Everybody knows that sex is powerful. Advertisers leverage this. Abusers take advantage of this. All sorts of people experiment with this. Christians, however, in obedience to God’s commands, use this power to benefit their spouse (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).

    Listen to the attitude that God says we are to have in all situations, including in the bedroom: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to this interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant.” (Philippians 2:3-7a)

    Applying Philippians 2 to your physical intimacy as a couple, would your spouse say:
    a) That you in bed, in humility count your spouse as more significant than yourself?
    b) That you in bed look not only to your own interests, but also to your spouse’s interests?
    c) That you in bed are a servant?

    Knowing Jesus means that Christians are called to a radically different sexual ethic than what the world constantly proclaims. Rather than using sex to take, we are to use sex to give. It is a power that God has entrusted to each husband or wife to use for the benefit of his or her spouse.

    This desire to please and serve the other through the gift of sex is one of a myriad of ways to apply Paul’s instructions to husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies.” (Ephesians 5:28) In other words, a married man and woman are to pursue their “one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31) union so much that they are thinking of ways they may leverage their sexuality to please their spouse.

    This means they will not be afraid to talk about sex with each other in a time, place, and manner that will help each other to become better lovers. One way this can be done is by asking, “What is something I could do for you in bed that would be a blessing to you?” Then listen, don’t assume. You may not often think of talking about sex with your spouse and then learning and growing through that as a way to glorify God, but it is.

    During sex, there is a powerful hormone called oxytocin that is released. Studies have shown that oxytocin is the “bonding chemical.” This is part of God’s good design.

    But as potent and important as this is, there is a spiritual bonding component of sex that goes even deeper. Right after God brought Eve to Adam, the Holy Spirit explains, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) Yes, being one flesh is about more than sex, but it is not less than sex. In the very next verse we read, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:25)

    God designed sex partly to bond you together–even chemically and spiritually–with your spouse in a deeper way than any other human relationship.

    You have a stewardship in your sexual relationship with your spouse. You probably don’t often think of standing before God and giving an account for looking out for the interests of your spouse in bed. But God says it matters, and that this kind of attitude and these kinds of actions glorify him (1 Corinthians 7:3).

  3. Knowing Jesus shows me that my sexuality is to be enjoyed as a good gift from a good God.
    I am so glad God created a world in which there is sex.

And I am so glad that God created me to enjoy sex with my wife, with God’s blessing and God’s joy.

Too often, we as Christians are uncomfortable saying things like this. But God is not uncomfortable saying these things. In the section of the Bible that we call wisdom literature, God says this: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-20)

When God talks about sex within marriage, he doesn’t blush–he blesses.

Here is his blessing over the marriage bed: “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (Song of Solomon 5:1b)

Imagine if you invented something so fantastic that you knew it would greatly encourage and bless the lives of those who used it according to your instructions. But because some people used it wrongly, even those who followed your directions and enjoyed it immensely refused to talk about it.

God invented something that would bond people who are in a covenant together, which also could bring new life into the world, all while giving you pleasure you can hardly imagine exists. We dishonor him when we are afraid to talk about enjoying this invention, or afraid to enjoy it at all. All of the glory for sex belongs to God! So give him glory for the gift of sex, with your spouse.

There is a spiritual aspect of sex that we too often ignore, at our own peril, because it amplifies our enjoyment of God’s good “wedding gift,” a gift that is intended by the Giver to keep on giving. The concept that is often used in the Bible to explain our covenant relationship with Christ is “union.” The only human relationship that was specifically designed to point to this union with Christ is the marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:28-32). And the marriage covenant celebration of sex not only points a husband and wife to their one-flesh union, but for the one who has eyes to see it, it also points to the union we enjoy with Christ. Even the bliss we can experience in sex points ahead to the bliss of the marriage supper of the Lamb.

For some of you reading this, you want to honor God with your sexuality. But you wonder if your past, or the current state of your marriage, disqualifies you from ever enjoying sex as a good gift from a good God. As I once heard Sam Allberry say, “Messes are Jesus’s specialty. You can’t over-mess him.” As Paul the Apostle said, “…but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more…” (Romans 5:20b)

That “pit” your marriage is in right now? Jesus’s power and transforming love will meet you and your spouse right there if you look for him. His arm is not short to save–your soul, or your marriage. He makes all things new. And that includes your sex life.

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Celebrating the Years Together: A Husband Shares Christ-Centered Insights Gleaned From Sixteen Years of Marriage

Note from Tim: I originally wrote this article for Lifeway’s HomeLife Magazine. It is republished here with permission & this blog post may be shared. By God’s grace we have now celebrated 17 years of marriage!

MY WIFE, MELANIE, AND I recently celebrated 16 years of marriage. Sometimes it seems people think that because our marriage is sweet that it must be easy. I’m actually skeptical of people who proclaim that marriage is easy. Joyful, yes. Easy, most days. A Christ-honoring marriage requires commitment, sacrifice, and a willingness to grow. We’re both sinners, but God in His great grace loves to empower, redeem, and bless couples that are committed to growing in love for Him and for each other.

Knowing that Jesus should make a difference in our marriage and yours, here are 16 Christ-centered insights gleaned from 16 years of marriage.

Hold onto hope & onto each other, no matter what kind of season you’re in right now.

  1. Stay Close to God
    When I’m reading my Bible daily and talking regularly to the Lord in prayer, my relationship with my wife is usually improved greatly. Why? Your spouse was never designed by the Creator to fulfill for you what only He can.

  2. Don’t Forget Your Covenant Vows 
    Love is a wonderful gift from God, but feelings or even acts of love in and of themselves will not sustain a marriage. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote from prison to an engaged couple in his church, “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but … the marriage that sustains your love.” When you said I do, you entered into a covenant before God and witnesses. Remember that the vows you said at your marriage can sustain and even strengthen your love.

  3. Embrace Love as a Sweet Gift of God
    Enjoy every moment of wedded bliss. Life in a fallen world will throw curve balls at you. Sickness and stress will remind you often enough that you don’t live together in Eden. So relish those moments that are echoes of Eden! There is a Bible verse that reminds me to enjoy life with my wife, and that not everybody is given even 16 years together: “Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life, which has been given to you under the sun, all your fleeting days. For that is your portion in life and in your struggle under the sun” (Eccl. 9:9). Life is a vapor. Enjoy your spouse’s love and love your spouse back with all that you have.

  4. Help Each Other Grow in Christ-likeness 
    Encourage your spouse to take advantage of opportunities to grow in Christ. Make it easy for him or her to be involved in a Bible study. Talk about what God is doing in your life and what you’re learning about Him. Get deeply involved in a local church where you can worship, learn, and serve together.

  5. Have Fun Together
    My grandparents, who were married for 64 years, used to say that one of their secrets for a happy marriage was laughing together. They were right. If your marriage seems more like a roommate situation than friends and lovers, maybe it’s time to plan a fun outing together that you will both enjoy. The happiest part of any of my days is seeing my bride laugh.

  6. Grow in Communication
    Anyone married for more than a few weeks knows that we don’t automatically communicate in God-glorifying ways that lift each other up. God has put you on the same team to help each other out as you work, serve Him, create a home, and grow together. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess. 5:11).

  7. Always Look to Christ
    We, as married couples, have the awesome job of reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church to the world, our families, and other believers. Our marriage is to be a picture of the gospel to others. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband” (Eph. 5:22-33). When we look to Jesus for how to treat our spouse, He also gives us strength to do so.

  8. Plan Time Together
    Work and life responsibilities can be consuming. I’m so thankful for the pastor I worked with when Melanie and I were married. He brought me to Deuteronomy 24:5 and taught me how the Israelite men would stay home from war for one year after getting married so they could focus on their new marriage. He taught me that spending time with my wife was never wasted time. God makes it a priority and so should we. Don’t coast in your marriage.

  9. Pursue and Embrace Forgiveness
    Melanie has taught me more about how Jesus loves me than anyone else because she has lived with me point blank for 16 years and yet she continues to love me and forgive me when I sin against her. “And be kind and compas- sionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ” (Eph. 4:32).

  10. Remember That You’re on the Same Team
    We clear up conflict much quicker than we did when we were first married 16 years ago. Why? Partly because we know that we’re on the same team. There is only one who is our enemy and that’s Satan. When you know deep down that you’re on the same team, it goes a long way to building the “one flesh” kind of unity that God calls us to in Genesis 2:24.

  11. Love With a Serving Love
    The Savior wants me to love my wife like He loves her. One of the best ways I can do that is by learning to serve her. Jesus showed His love to His disciples with a basin and towel as He washed their feet. There is nothing God can call me to do for my wife that is too great of a sacrifice. “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Your Savior laid down His very life for His bride.

  12. Love With a Hopeful Love
    God calls us to not only love our spouse for who he or she is, but also to pray for him or her to grow into godliness, even as you grow in your walk with Christ. Remember that God isn’t finished with your spouse yet. Who your spouse is 16 years from now will in part be a reflection of how well you have loved him or her.

  13. Pray Together
    I’m still growing into this. Over the years, I’ve been challenged by godly men to pray every day with my wife — and more than just at meals. I’ve found that without purposeful planning, it won’t happen. Praying together will help you to pursue God as a couple. It will reveal and knit your hearts together as you come to the throne of grace as one.

  14. Hold Onto Each Other During the Changing Seasons
    Your marriage will change with the different seasons of life as you both change over the years. I’ve known my wife as a college student, young professional, pastor’s wife, new mother, and mother of a middle schooler. She has known me in a similar way. One day, Lord willing, we will know each other as grandparents and retirees who are still serving the Lord. Some seasons are more difficult than others, but when we press into Christ and toward each other, even the trying seasons can become beautiful as God matures us. Hold onto hope and onto each other, no matter what kind of season you’re in right now.

  15. Build a Legacy
    Live with each other not just for this moment, but also for the next decade and the next five decades. Having the perspective that our choices today will impact our children and grandchildren — even generations that we will never meet — will build patterns in our lives that put eternity first. The legacy of a couple that is deeply in love with God and madly in love with each other has a bigger impact than we will ever know until heaven.

  16. Expect the Best to Keep Getting Better 
    I thank God every day for Melanie. I can’t imagine life and love without her. She’s mine and mine alone. This applies to your spouse too. The pastor who married us 16 years ago looked at me during the ceremony and said, “Tim, Melanie is God’s best for you.” Then he looked at Melanie and said, “Melanie, Tim is God’s best for you.”

Continue to pursue your spouse, God’s best for you, every day. “Be lost in her love forever” (Prov. 5:19).

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4 Ways to Honor Marriage

God commands us, “Let marriage be held in honor among all…” (Hebrews 13:4a) The word “honor” is sometimes translated “precious” in the Bible. It is used to talk of precious stones used in the Temple (1 Kings 7:9-11 in the Greek translation of the Old Testament), of the precious stones that make up the walls of the New Jerusalem (Revelation 18), and of Christ’s precious blood (1 Peter 1:19). In other words, whether married or single, young or old, Christians are called by God to prize marriage. It was created by him for blessing and to be embedded in the world as a pointer to the gospel (Ephesians 5:22-33 which quotes Genesis 2).

Here are four ways you can hold marriage in honor, as something precious & valuable. The first two are ways you can honor marriage as a married couple, and the second two are ways both singles and married couples can obey Hebrews 13:4.

1) Be faithful to your marriage covenant. The full text of Hebrews 13:4 reads, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” God declares that the first way to honor marriage is to be faithful to your marriage covenant. When you said, “I do,” you weren’t simply signing a contract. You were entering into a covenant before God and witnesses. Part of keeping that covenant is to stay sexually faithful to your spouse.

God gives a strong warning to help us be faithful in marriage: “For God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Heb. 13:4b) In the Old Covenant, the punishment for adultery was death (Leviticus 20:10). In the New Covenant, we can be thankful that Jesus took the punishment of death for us. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have God’s discipline and judgment if you are unfaithful to your wife or husband. Often “natural” consequences of adultery such as shattered trust, potential STDs (testing is needed after a confession), pregnancy outside of marriage, and the complicated relationship problems that follow are God’s judgment. King David’s life after adultery in 2 Samuel should be warning enough.

But there is also the spiritual side. Before adultery is committed, there has been a gradual falling away from God. Jesus warned about adultery and hell (Matthew 5:27-30) and the Apostle Paul includes “the sexually immoral” and “adulterers” in the list of those who will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9). Part of repentance if you have been unfaithful to your marriage covenant is examining your heart before God. There is grace and forgiveness if we will come to Christ after any sin. Paul explains the gospel in the same passage, “And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified…” (1 Corinthians 6:11)

God warns us against his judgment to protect us spiritually and to protect us in our marriage relationships. He wants you to honor–to prize–marriage and that starts with being faithful to your marriage covenant.

2) Enjoy the gift of your spouse.
Hebrews 13:4 doesn’t just give us a warning. One great way that we honor marriage is by enjoying the gift of our spouses. God also says, “…and let the marriage bed be undefiled.” This is tied into the deterrent of consequences due to adultery or other forms of sexual immorality, but it is also a reminder that the purity of sex in marriage is good and created by God. Remember when it was common in Christian jargon to say, “I’m keeping myself pure until marriage?” Those who said it had good intentions, but a better way to say it would be, “I am saving sex for the purity and enjoyment of sex in marriage.” We need to embrace the gracious reality that the marriage bed is designed by God to be a place of purity and refreshment (Proverbs 5:15-19).

Anything God has designed to be beautiful and refreshing can become stained and stagnant due to our sin. But the gospel redeems what we may have polluted by our sin. When you repent of any sexual sin, either adultery or lust in any of its forms, and embrace the gift of your spouse, God loves to transform and renew. When God speaks to a newly married couple, this is his banner over their marriage bed, his wedding gift to them and to you no matter how long you’ve been married: “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (Song of Solomon 5:1)

The gift of the marriage bed is just the cherry on top of the marriage relationship. You honor marriage when you enjoy the gift of your spouse as your closest friend.  One of the reasons God created marriage was to create life-long companionship in a lonely world (Genesis 2:18). We honor marriage when we build into that one-flesh relationship and when we enjoy life with our spouses. The writer of Ecclesiastes encourages this in 9:9. Do you see the world through her eyes? Do you know what his greatest joys and deepest difficulties are right now? If not, set some intentional time aside. Go have fun together and ask a few questions–and listen. Your time on earth and your time with your husband or wife is limited, so honor marriage by enjoying the gift of your spouse.

3) Celebrate anniversaries.
I used to look at happy couples in their 70s or 80s who have been married for 50 or 60 years and think that their success in marriage is due to them being very compatible. I didn’t express it that way and I couldn’t have backed that up biblically. But it’s easy to see a couple who can now complete each other’s sentences and think that they coasted into their golden years together, always with smiles on their faces and kind words on their lips. Now that I’ve been married almost two decades myself, have counseled and talked about marriage with many couples over the years as a pastor, and have studied what the Bible says about marriage–I know that I was completely off-target.

Every anniversary is a hard-won victory. Every anniversary is a declaration to Satan and the world that God’s power and grace at the cross is greater than our sin. Every anniversary is a renewal of vows, a break in the day-to-day that says, “I still do.” Every anniversary is a reminder that our marriage is a shadow of the greater marriage between Christ and his bride (Ephesians 5:31-32), every anniversary dinner a pointer to the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.

We don’t coast into decades of marriage. We fight into decades of marriage. We fight our flesh and the devil and the world that tells us we will never be happy with one–while all the while God calls us into the deeper delicacies of delighting in marriage one day, one decade at a time. We can never coast in marriage because we are called to reflect the gospel in marriage, and Jesus always pursues us.

You honor marriage by celebrating your anniversaries, whether that is a carefully-planned and hard-budgeted weekend away, or take-out on the couch like we did when our youngest was only a few months old. We also honor marriage when we recognize and celebrate God’s work in a couple through honoring their anniversary–as simple as a comment on social media or in-person or as elaborate as helping to plan a party.

4) Build up other couples.
One of my favorite types of counseling to do is premarital counseling. Maybe it’s because there are not often major problems to untangle, but I think it has more to do with the fact that my wife and I usually do this together in our home. As we talk about biblical principles for communication and forgiveness and money and sex and portraying the gospel in marriage with a starry-eyed couple, there’s a joy in sharing our own mistakes and victories. The oneness we share deepens as we shock the couple with the fact that they will fight some day, and soothe them with the fact that with the love of Jesus they can overcome any argument or obstacle.

What I have just described is something that any couple can do for any other couple, whether or not they know Jesus. We often think that building up other marriages means that we need special training or an office, but so many young couples wish they had an older couple to just talk with over a cup of coffee in their home.

This is an area the entire church can link arms in. Singles can build up couples by praying for them, offering occasional childcare for date nights, or by simply sharing a word of encouragement in Christ. We often think that only marriage counseling builds other couples up, but pushing each other to Jesus as we are called to do in the church is the best thing we can do for marriage. Often elderly couples who will never know they helped somebody will be the encouragement a younger couple in the church needs. It may be just by seeing one of them help the other through getting the walker out of the car and slowly going into the Sanctuary together. Build up other couples, both intentionally and by being present in their lives.

“Let marriage by held in honor among all…” Prize marriage. Hold marriage as precious. In doing this, we point to the enduring, sacrificial love of Jesus. And we help others along their pilgrimage to the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.

 

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The Engine That Drives a Good Marriage

This piece first appeared on The Gospel Coalition site.

“I do.” With those two words, my life was forever changed. It was a cold but sunny December afternoon. About 200 family members and friends smiled as the pastor who’d mentored me asked me if I would take Melanie as my lawfully wedded wife.

I still remember standing there in my suit, more excited than I’d ever been in my life, and experiencing something rare: a calm nervousness. I was calm because I was looking into my bride’s radiant eyes. But I was nervous because I knew I was stepping into something bigger than me. I knew my life would never be the same. My calm nervousness welled up into thrilled joy when she looked at me with a huge grin and exclaimed those two words as well.

We were married.

What I couldn’t articulate at the time, but what I’ve experienced day by day since, is that I needed the gospel to be a picture for my marriage but also the reality that supports my marriage. I wanted our marriage to point others to the gospel, but I also knew we’d need a power outside ourselves to sustain us over the long haul of covenant love.

What I needed, what I continue to need, what you need, is the gospel as a picture for marriage, resulting in marriage as a picture of the gospel, all sustained by God’s omnipotent strength.

Gospel Contemplation

God has created an incredible dynamic between the gospel and marriage. The gospel is for us to look at and emulate, but as we look at this incredible painting, an amazing thing happens. Our marriages begin to become a picture themselves that point others to the gospel.

This back and forth between the gospel and marriage is one reason that, in Ephesians 5:22–33, the apostle Paul seems to go back and forth between talking about marriage and the gospel. The two are intertwined by design.

You have to begin by looking to Jesus—to how God loves you in covenant relationship—before you can share this kind of love with your spouse. Because one aspect of the gospel is this incredible picture of the marriage relationship, we can grow in our marriages when we look to the love of Jesus for his bride.

I like to call this gospel contemplation, since basking in the rays of what Jesus has done for you and beholding the gospel in all its intricacies is helping you to better understand true covenant love. Every married person should think about questions like: How—specifically—does Jesus love the church? What is unique about the way he loves her?

Gospel Reflection

But you also need to see how your marriage is a picture of the gospel. I call this gospel reflection. A reflection in a mirror isn’t the reality, but it’s a good likeness of it. The mirror might be bright and clear, or smudged and dirty. But the reflection points to the reality just as our marriages point to the covenant relationship of God with his people. So we need to evaluate periodically what kind of picture of Jesus we are portraying in our marriages.

There is a problem I have every autumn. We live in Vermont, and I will see a mountain bursting with gold and orange and red, and try to get a photo with my iPhone 7. Invariably, it doesn’t even come close to capturing the jaw-dropping display of colored foliage. I need an upgrade to a real camera. I can see the beauty, but my equipment doesn’t have the power to reflect it.

You may feel the way I do about my smartphone camera when you think about trying to reflect the gospel in your marriage. You see its beauty, but you lack the equipment to accurately reflect it. So the problem, and the solution, is plain: you need Jesus in order to point to Jesus.

Trying to reflect God’s design for marriage without leaning into Christ is like trying to drive 75 miles an hour with your radio blaring and wipers going, but not stopping to put gas into your tank. Try loving your spouse like Jesus loves the church without returning to the source of gospel power, and your marriage will soon run out of gas. In fact, it’s like trying to drive your car without an engine at all.

I’ve noticed almost a direct parallel between my walk with Jesus and how I treat my wife. When I’m in the Word daily and talking to Christ in prayer, I tend to reflect more clearly his love for my wife. But when I’m surviving on spiritual fumes, it’s so easy for me to grow impatient, selfish, and rude.

The gospel is the engine for your marriage. So look to Jesus, and as much as possible, look to him together.

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Fully Known & Fully Loved

Note from Tim: Over the next six days I will be publishing a short devotional each morning (I began HERE). I originally wrote these devotions for the Winter 2018-2019 issue of Open Windows and I have permission to republish them. I pray they are an encouragement to you in your walk with Christ!

Devotional Passage: Philippians 3:7-10

…that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death…  – Philippians 3:10

I don’t ever want to stop dating my wife, but I can’t tell you how glad I am to be out of the dating phase prior to our wedding 15 years ago. Now I know that my wife knows me and yet loves me. Before marriage we feel the need to impress. We hope that if we dress right, have the right conversation, and are fun to be around, we will be loved and accepted. If we do the right things, the relationship may continue.

Knowing Jesus is not like dating; it is more like a good marriage. The Bible even uses marriage as a picture of Christ’s relationship with His church. He loves us not based on the things we do or even who we are, but based on our covenant. Knowing Christ is not based on law, but grace.

When Paul met Jesus, he came to realize that all of his attempts at impressing God were nothing but garbage compared to knowing Christ. There is no greater pursuit. We are fully known–and fully loved–by the most important Person in the world. And He calls us to know Him deeper.

Father, may my deepest longing be to know Your Son.

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Love Your Wife Like Jesus Loves Her: Ten Great Loves for Every Husband

 

My article originally appeared at DesiringGod.org.

Some days, you go to Bible study and your life is slowly but imperceptibly changed. Other days, you go to Bible study and something in God’s word changes the trajectory of the rest of your life.

One spring day in 1998, as an 18-year-old college freshman, I understood marriage in a way I never had before. I had signed up for a Bible study taught by my college pastor, “Preparing for Marriage.” That day, Pastor Doug Busby gave me and all of the young men in the room an assignment that I have been working on for the last 22 years. I will continue to work on this homework until, for my wife and me, “death do us part.”

My pastor read to us, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25). Then he asked us the obvious question (the question we husbands so often fail to ask in the daily grind of work and family life): How does Jesus love the church?

Ten Christlike Loves

As I have scoured the Scriptures, year after year, looking for ways that Jesus loves the church, ways that he calls me to echo his love for me in my love for my wife, I have found ten great loves. As a husband, God calls you to love your wife like Jesus loves her, so meditate on his deep, complex, and unparalleled love.

1. Stubborn Love

Jesus won’t ever leave his bride. He says to her, “Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20). His love for your wife is based not on her performance, but on his covenant love for her. When we keep our marriage covenants through all of the challenges and changes over years of married life, we reflect his kind of stubborn, delight-filled love. May our wives know the comfort of love that says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

2. Hopeful Love

When Jesus looks at your bride, he sees her as already sanctified. This hope is anchored in the power and promise of the gospel. Paul writes to believers, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11). In fact, he sees her not only as already sanctified, but as already glorified (Romans 8:30). How often would your wife say that your love for her “hopes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7)? By keeping eternity in mind, you can have patience with your wife, just as Jesus does with her — and you.

3. Pursuing Love

Jesus never takes a break from pursuing your wife’s heart, not romantically but persistently. In fact, he cares not only about her devotion, but also her affection (Psalm 37:4). He is the tireless Shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine to seek after the one (Luke 15:4–7). In a similar way, God is glorified when a husband continually seeks a deeper relationship with his wife. A husband who has been captured by Jesus’s love is an incurable romantic toward his wife.

4. Forgiving Love

Jesus gives your wife grace when she doesn’t deserve it. It may be that the most Christlike thing you can do is offer your wife forgiveness on a daily basis, remembering that you too are in need of forgiveness. The picture of forgiving love that every husband should seek to emulate is Jesus making breakfast for Peter, who had sinned against him, denying him three times at his crucifixion (John 21:12–15). Is it you or your wife who is usually the first to begin to move toward reconciliation when it’s needed?

5. Joyful Love

Jesus doesn’t just put up with your wife or grudgingly but persistently love her — Jesus loves to love her. He delights to be with his bride. He receives joy by giving us joy (Hebrews 12:2). Wives who are loved this deeply, who know their husbands love to love them, are often an even greater blessing to others. Love your wife so joyfully that it’s obvious to her and others.

6. Serving Love

Jesus served her in life and death. There is nothing — nothing — that God can call you to do for your wife that would be too much! Jesus “gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Many husbands think of themselves as kings to be served, but you and I are called by God to be the chief servants in our homes. The way to Christlikeness in our marriages is through joining Jesus in taking up the towel and the basin (John 13:12–17).

7. Sanctifying Love

Jesus loves your wife by helping her to grow in holiness and by being her advocate before the Father (1 John 2:1). Do you encourage your wife to go to Bible study, even if it means you have to care for the kids by yourself for the evening? Do you regularly bring your wife before the Father in prayer? Work hard to help your wife blossom spiritually.

8. Leading Love

Jesus leads us to what is good for us. Jesus not only loves your wife with a leading rather than a passive love, but he also leads her toward what is good (Psalm 23:2). It is impossible to lead our wives spiritually if we ourselves are not being led by God through the word and prayer. One way you can lead her well is by seeking her input and then making big decisions (and accepting the consequences), rather than allowing the decisions and consequences to fall to her.

9. Providing Love

Jesus provides your wife with all that she needs. Do you notice your wife’s needs, even beyond physical provision, and do something about it? Christ nourishes her, providing an environment for growth and flourishing. The apostle Paul explains to us that “in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). It made a marked difference in my marriage when I realized that it was my responsibility to do what I could to fill my wife’s sails.

10. Knowing Love

Jesus knows your wife better than she knows herself. He has an informed love for her. He knows her strengths, her weaknesses, and he acts on her behalf (Ephesians 5:29–30). While we will never know our wives like God knows them, he wants us to know them as well as we can. Our prayers for them will always be hindered if we fail to know them (1 Peter 3:7). Our wives know they are cherished when we make an effort to really know them.

Defy the Serpent with Love

One evening, I walked down the hallway from our bedroom with bare feet when I saw something you never want to see in your hallway: a snake tail sticking out where the floor meets the wall. It turned out that there was a crack in our foundation, and a snake had made its way through the crack, and up into our home.

Brothers, we have an enemy, that ancient serpent, who desires to squirm his way into our homes and cause havoc. But praise God, we know the snake crusher, Jesus Christ, who has already defeated him and loved us with a supernatural love. Know that when you love your wife like Jesus loves her, the foundation of your marriage is strengthened, Satan is defeated again, and Christ is lifted up for more to see.

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3 Ways a Pastor & His Wife Can Stay Madly In Love

This article first appeared on the Baptist Convention of New England blog and then at For The Church.

Pastors and wives, don’t forget that there is one time the Bible commands you to get drunk: “…Be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:19) God wants you to be drunk with love for your spouse. This is best for you, best for your spouse, best for your kids, best for your church, and it glorifies God. Pastors and wives face unique pressures and challenges due to our roles in the body of Christ. Here are three ways a pastor and wife can stay madly in love through all of the ups and downs of pastoral ministry.

Remember Jesus is married to the church. You are not.
It is no secret that pastors often struggle with working too much. There is always more to do. Unlike a contractor who can look at a remodeling project and say it is done or an accountant who can say the books are balanced, pastoral ministry is never ever finished until Jesus comes back.

But remember, Jesus is married to the church. You are not. Don’t try to be Jesus for your church. The church only needs one Savior, and you are not Him. But you are married to your spouse. We will all stand before God and answer not only for how we loved His church, but also for how we loved our spouse.

Yes, there will be weeks and seasons that are overly busy, and every pastor and wife has to grapple with that fact and communicate, work together and show grace during those busy times. But not every season can be that way or something is out of balance, and your ministry, not to mention your marriage, will suffer because of it.

Over the years I have been guilty of prioritizing discipleship of others over prayer and Bible reading with my wife. But when I love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:22-33), including having time for her, I also love His church better. Sometimes this may mean taking a “comp day” off after an especially busy season and doing something fun together, or going home early without guilt to help with home projects if they have been neglected due to your recent ministry schedule.

Remember your friendship.
Both a pastor and his wife can struggle with forgetting to prioritize their friendship. Pastors often have trouble letting go of things at church, and because ministry is a joint endeavor (as it should be), pastor’s wives can also easily prioritize ministry opportunities over their husbands.

My grandfather was a pastor for over 40 years, and he and my grandmother, who were married for 64 years, would often say that one of their secrets for a happy marriage was laughing together. Make sure you are taking all of your vacation days, and not just taking care of ministry and home responsibilities together. Play a game. Watch a funny movie that you both enjoy. Exercise together. Go outside together. Get a babysitter or do a child care swap so you can go out on a date together. Invest in each other as friends.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 reminds us that life is fleeting, and that God has given us a spouse to enjoy life with. “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that He has given you under the sun…” “Vain” can also be translated “fleeting” or “vapor.” Life is like a vapor. Enjoy and invest in your friendship with your spouse, and your oneness will grow: emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually. Time with your spouse is never wasted time.

Remember your first love is Jesus.
When I am closer to Jesus, I am closer to my wife. I mean truly closer to Jesus, in my heart, not just thinking I am closer because I am doing the right things. Why is this?

Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?, “A marriage of love, unity and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”

This applies to pastors and wives as much as anyone else. When you remember that Jesus is your first love (see Revelation 2:4-5), then His love naturally overflows out of your life onto your spouse. Rekindle your love for Jesus, and be in tune with His heart for reflecting the Gospel in your marriage. Then your marriage will be like a fireplace on a winter day that keeps you both warm, and at the same time gives warmth and light to others.

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15 Christ-Centered Insights Gleaned From 15 Years of Marriage

My wife Melanie and I are celebrating fifteen years of marriage today. I’m not going to lie; we have a great marriage. Sometimes it seems that people think that because our marriage is sweet, that it must be easy. I am actually skeptical of people who proclaim that marriage is easy. Joyful, yes. Easy, most days. A Christ-honoring marriage requires commitment, sacrifice, and a willingness to grow. We are both sinners (especially me!), but God in His great grace loves to empower, strengthen, redeem, and bless couples who are committed to growing in love for God and for each other.

Knowing Jesus should make a difference in our marriage. Here are fifteen Christ-centered insights gleaned from fifteen years of marriage. These are not listed in order of importance, nor are they comprehensive. But I pray that they are helpful to your marriage.

1) Stay close to God. When I am reading my Bible daily and talking regularly to the Lord in prayer, my relationship with my wife is usually improved greatly. Why? Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?, “A marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”

2) Don’t forget your covenant vows. Love is a wonderful gift from God, but feelings or even acts of love in and of themselves will not sustain a marriage. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote from prison to an engaged couple in his church, “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but…the marriage that sustains your love.” When you said “I do,” you entered into a covenant. You made a vow before God and witnesses. Remember that, love your spouse unconditionally, and the marriage will sustain and even strengthen your love.

3) Love is a sweet gift of God. Enjoy every moment of wedded bliss. Life in a fallen world will throw curve balls at you. Sickness and stress will remind you often enough that you do not live together in Eden. So relish those moments together that are echoes of Eden! There is a verse in Ecclesiastes 9:9 that reminds me to enjoy life with my wife and that not everybody is allowed to enjoy fifteen years or fifty together: “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that He has given you under the sun…” “Vain” can also be translated “fleeting” or “vapor.” Life is like a vapor. Enjoy your spouse’s love as a sweet gift of God, and love your spouse back with all that you have!

I told a Bible Study recently, “The only kind of drunkenness God encourages is being drunk with love for your spouse. In fact, He commands it.” Proverbs 5:19 instructs, “…Be intoxicated always in her love.” That is a stunning grace of God.

4) Help each other grow in Christlikeness. Help your spouse “get in the way of grace”: make it easy for him or her to be involved in a Bible study. Talk about what God is doing in your life and what you are learning about Him. Get deeply involved in a local church where you can worship together, where you will have good teaching, and accountability. Serve in your local church together. When you serve Christ together, you not only build up the body of Christ through serving others, but also encourage each other in following Him. When you serve Christ together, you also grow together in unity with your spouse.

5) Have fun together. My grandparents, who were married for 64 years, used to say that one of their secrets for a happy marriage was laughing together. They were right. If your marriage seems more like being roommates recently than friends and lovers, maybe it is time to plan a fun outing together that you will both enjoy. The happiest part of any day is seeing my bride laugh.

6) Grow in communicating with each other. It is well known by married couples, but not often studied enough by married couples, that we don’t automatically communicate in God-glorifying ways that lift each other up and help each other grow in grace. God has put you on the same “team” to help each other out in life as you raise kids, create a home together, work, serve God, and grow old together. “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

7) Always look to Christ for both your example and your strength. We as married couples have the awesome job of reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church to the world, our families and children, and other believers. Ephesians 5:22-33 means that every one of our marriages reflect some sort of picture of the gospel to others. When I look to Jesus for how to treat my wife, He also gives me strength to do so. The gospel is the engine that keeps me on the train track of growth as a husband.

8) Plan time for each other. Ministry can be very consuming, just as many jobs can be. I am so thankful for the pastor I worked with when Melanie and I were married. He brought me to Deuteronomy 24:5 and taught me how the Israelite men would stay home from war for one year after getting married so they could focus on their new marriage. He taught me that spending time with my wife was never wasted time. God makes it a priority and so should we. Don’t coast in your marriage!

9) Pursue and embrace forgiveness. Melanie has taught me more about how Jesus loves me than anyone else because she has lived with me point blank for fifteen years and yet she continues to love me and forgive me when I sin against her. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

10) Grow in understanding that you are on the same team. We clear up conflict much quicker than we did when we were first married fifteen years ago. Why? Partly because we know that we are on the same team! There is only one “person” who is our enemy, and that is Satan. It is no accident that the famous spiritual armor passage of Ephesians 6 that outlines the cosmic spiritual battle we are in, is close to Ephesians 5, the longest New Testament passage on marriage. When you know deep down that you are on the same team, it goes a long way to building the “one flesh” kind of unity that God calls us to (Genesis 2:24).

11) Love with a serving love. The Savior wants me to love my wife like He loves her. While I know I will never replace His love, it is a joy to grow in reflecting His love. One of the best ways I can do that is by learning to serve my wife. Jesus showed his love to His disciples with a basin and towel as He washed their feet. There is nothing God can call me to do for my wife that is too great of a sacrifice (John 15:13). My Savior laid down His very life for His bride.

12) Love with a hopeful love. “Love hopes all things…” (1 Corinthians 13:7) God calls us to not only love our spouse for who he or she is, but also to pray for him or her to grow into a godly man or a godly woman even as you grow in your walk with Christ. Remember that God is not finished with your spouse yet. We should be filling each other’s sails to help each other grow in whatever God has called us to. We don’t want others to think the worst about us, but sometimes we don’t extend the same courtesy to our spouse. Who your spouse is fifteen years from now will in part be a reflection of how well you have loved him or her.

13) Pray together. I am still growing in this. No one has challenged me more to pray with my wife than Dennis Rainey through his ministry at FamilyLife. He challenges husbands to pray every day with their wives (and more than just at meals). It is very hard to be angry with somebody you are praying with. In fact, praying together will help you to pursue God together. It will reveal your hearts and knit your hearts together as you come to the Throne of Grace together.

14) Remember that you are building a legacy. Live with each other not just for this moment, but for the next decade or the next five decades. During your first year of marriage, it is hard to see past the next couple of months. But having the perspective that our choices today will impact our children and grandchildren–even generations that we will never meet–will build habits and patterns in our lives that put eternity first. The legacy of a couple that is deeply in love with God and madly in love with each other has a bigger impact than we will ever know until Heaven.

15) I married the best woman out there. Really; I thank God every day for Melanie. I can’t imagine life and love without her. She’s mine and mine alone.

But guess what? If you are married, this applies to your spouse too! The pastor who married us said in our wedding sermon, “Tim, Melanie is God’s best for you.” Then he looked at Melanie and said, “Melanie, Tim is God’s best for you.” Believing this means following God’s will; disbelieving it means listening to the lies of the evil one. Jesus said, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:8b-9)

If you are single, remember that once you are married, that person is God’s best for you. Pick wisely. I know I did!

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