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The Missing Ingredient in Too Many Marriages: Joy

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared at Focus on the Family’s The Focused Pastor. You will regularly see articles I have written for The Focused Pastor here. However, I will continue to write articles for both pastors and all Christians. If you are not a pastor but you find this helpful, please pass it on to your pastor! Also, the biblical marriage principles about joy in marriage apply to all marriages.

Like cupcakes missing sugar, too many Christian marriages are missing a key ingredient. Just because a marriage is missing this ingredient doesn’t mean it’s not a marriage, just as a cupcake missing sugar doesn’t mean it’s not a cupcake. But neither “tastes” good. 

When we realize that what is at stake is not a bad batch of baked goods but potentially a poor reflection of the gospel through our marriage relationship, we will do all we can to put the ingredient of joy back into our marriages. Many Christian marriages, including ministry marriages, would be sweet again if husbands took the lead in loving their wives joyfully.

My wife is usually pretty positive with me, but one evening, she looked at me and said, “Did you know you’re pretty grumpy most of the time right now?” That knocked me a little off-kilter. She knew things had been stressful at church. She had been supportive and prayerful with me. But after I stopped defending myself in my mind and started to think about what she had the courage to point out, I asked her more about it and realized that she was right. I was getting so consumed with trying to stay on top of pastoral ministry while dealing with multiple fronts during a difficult season in our church that it was negatively affecting my parenting—and our marriage.

I had to ask for forgiveness and start to make changes. Nothing was immediate, but choice by choice, joy began to seep back into our marriage and family. 

As I evaluated what happened, I realized that in trying to be Jesus for my church, I had not loved my wife like Jesus loves the church. Ephesians 5:25 is loud and clear on our calling: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” 

Love to Love Your Wife

One specific way that Christ loved the church, a way that God calls us to echo his love in our marriages, is that Jesus loved the church joyfully. He loves to love us. Do we love to love our wives?

Jesus doesn’t just put up with the church. He receives joy by giving us joy (Hebrews 12:2). Jesus doesn’t love the church grudgingly but persistently. He joyfully and persistently loves us. Jesus’ love doesn’t change based on our relationship with him on any given day. 

When wives know that their husbands love to love them, there is a security in marriage that develops and strengthens over years. This security frees a wife to be an even greater blessing to others. Also, when we love our wives so joyfully that it’s obvious to her and others, a sweetness develops. When a pastor and wife exude this sweetness to their church and others through the genuine joy in their marriage, their marriage “smells” like the gospel. A joyful marriage covenant points to the New Covenant.

Cultivating Joy

Here are four ways to cultivate more consistent joy in your marriage as you strive to reflect Christ in the love you have for your wife.

1. Spend intentional time together.

Jesus delights to be with his bride. Yet, I am shocked at how quickly I can coast in marriage. The demands of ministry, bills, raising children, home repair, and just making it through each day can mean that I look up and we haven’t had enough intentional time together. We have found that a weekly date night is unrealistic in this season of five kids, including toddlers and teenagers. But we can still purposefully set aside one night or more a week to cuddle on the couch together while we watch a movie or talk. And we can still intentionally carve out times that we go out together without kids, both for a few hours and occasionally for a few days. 

Are you as intentional to spend time with your wife as you are to follow up on shepherding issues at church?

2. Talk about what God is teaching you.

Joy ultimately comes from Jesus (Luke 2:10, Matthew 28:8, 1 Peter 1:8, 1 John 1:4). When you invest personally in your relationship with Jesus, true joy will seep into your marriage. I have found that when we talk about what God is teaching us, whether spontaneously or as an intentional question, it encourages each other’s walks with the Lord and begins to spill over into our marriage relationship. Pastors, God is teaching you in the Word every week. Share some of that with your wife, not as an additional sermon but out of the joy of knowing Jesus. 

3. Act like Jesus is King.

One of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever heard from another pastor is to talk about church matters as appropriate or needed with your wife for just a little bit when you get home. Then pray together about it before moving on with the evening if there’s a pressing issue, but act like Jesus is king. It is easy to bring things up again and just go around and around about ministry. That is okay to a degree if it helps you serve others together, but at some point, you need to have discussions that are not ministry-related, especially if the issues are stressful. Give it to Jesus, and let it go for the evening (Matthew 6:34).

4. Serve together in some way.

Serving as a pastor does not mean I am automatically serving Jesus with my wife. It can be okay to serve in different areas of the church or family life, depending on the season of life and giftedness. After all, she is not a pastor because she is married to you. But I have found that doing some ministry purposefully together has been helpful. For us, that has been as varied as visitation, foster care, planning an outreach together, or being on the worship team together. Serving together purposefully can bring joy to your marriage, reminding you that God brought you together to glorify him.

Brothers, does your wife not only know that you love her but know that you love to love her, as your Savior does? The marriage of A.W. Tozer leaves us with a somber warning. In his book I Still Do, Dave Harvey recounts: “Tozer was a spiritual giant—a man of spectacular faith, incredible insight, and compelling godliness. But Tozer neglected his wife, Ada, and their family in some pretty stunning ways…After Tozer’s death, Ada remarried a man named Leonard Odam. Dorsett [Tozer’s biographer] writes of a poignant moment when Ada was asked to describe her life with her new husband. ‘I have never been happier in my life,’ Ada observed. ‘Aiden [Tozer] loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me.’”[1]

Brothers, we can love both Jesus and our wives well. We are called to love both. A marriage that “smells” like the gospel will have one often-overlooked ingredient: joy.

[1] Dave Harvey, I Still Do (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2020), p. 193.

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Yes, Churches and Parachurch Ministries Can Partner in Healthy Ways

This article was originally published at The Focused Pastor.

My life and ministry have been deeply impacted by the local church partnering with parachurch ministries. I met my wife at a college ministry, and we got to know each other better by attending the same church. If I weren’t sold on the potential value of parachurch ministries, the fact that God used a college ministry to meet my wife on a secular campus with tens of thousands of college students would convince me! 

However, sometimes pastors can feel that the two are at odds with each other. We know that the local church is God’s “Plan A.” Jesus promised to build his church (Matthew 16:18)! Parachurch ministries will come and go, but the local church will endure until Jesus returns. We need to remember these truths to keep our priorities straight, with the church being God’s main method for the advancement of the gospel and the discipleship of his people. Yet, I have found over the years that most parachurch ministries want to come alongside the local church, not replace it. Here are three ways churches and parachurch ministries can partner in healthy ways.

1. Partnership can equip churches and believers to do what they might struggle to do on their own

The sheer scope and specialization of parachurch ministries are astounding. Essentially meaning any ministry that is outside of the local church but that exists to do some form of gospel ministry, the list goes on and on. It includes biblical counseling organizations, after-school Bible clubs, campus Bible studies, sports ministry, pregnancy resource centers, disaster relief, homeless shelters, food pantries, substance abuse recovery, Christian camps, college ministries, Christian schools and colleges, marriage and family ministries, media ministries, curriculums, conferences, even international missions organizations and more!

A decade ago, we had a passion to begin an after-school Bible club in our local elementary school essentially because one of our missions partners had been leading churches and Christians in doing this for decades. I remember going into the principal’s office to talk with her about starting the club and being so thankful for this parachurch ministry and our missionary who worked with them. She knew exactly what the laws were and how to build a good relationship with the school through the process. A similar situation happened years later when we had a burden to begin a Bible study at the local high school.

Thanks to a sports ministry, the first Bible study anyone can ever remember started at that high school. Youth from our church have been encouraged in their faith by meeting fellow believers they may not have met otherwise, and some have attended our church’s youth ministry. Partnering with parachurch ministries has equipped us for further ministry.

2. Partnership can display the expansiveness of the Kingdom of God

Through local churches and parachurch ministries partnering together, the world can see Christians working together in a unique way, and believers can be reminded of the immensity of the Kingdom of God.

For example, when local churches partner together through pregnancy resource centers, the world tangibly sees that Christians are putting hands and feet to their pro-life beliefs. When a disaster happens, and Christian groups are the only ones still serving a community six months later, the world visibly sees and feels the love of Christ through believers from many different churches despite their differences. This puts the gospel on display in a unique way, showing the unity we have in Christ with all true believers. 

On the night before His death, Jesus asked the Father, “…that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.” (John 17:21, see also 17:11, 17:20-23).  Christians from different local churches partnering together in unity displays something unique about even the unity of the Trinity and is a witness to the world.

Believers are also reminded through healthy church and parachurch partnerships that the Kingdom of God is bigger than their local fellowship. No church is an island. Pastors are responsible for examining doctrinal alignment to a certain extent before a church works with a parachurch ministry, but a healthy partnership can remind believers of the expansiveness of the Kingdom of God. 

I love that our church’s youth ministry disciples and evangelizes our church’s youth and friends regularly. Week in and week out, those teens from our church and their friends are built up in their faith or challenged to consider the gospel. Once a year, however, our youth ministry brings our teens to a large gathering of 600-1,000 youth and leaders, sponsored by a parachurch ministry, for a gospel outreach and all-nighter. Seeing hundreds of teens from across the region, both believers and unbelievers, reminds our teenagers that they are not alone as the only believers in their local church or schools. Seeing the passion of other churches for unbelieving friends stokes their hearts for evangelism.

3. Partnership can build up the universal church and expand gospel reach

The parachurch partnerships that I have come to appreciate, support, and even personally benefit from the most as a local pastor are the ones that truly do encourage involvement in a local church. I remember meeting one parachurch leader at a local high school who told me he would never refer a new believer to a church. We chose not to work with him since involvement in a local church is the next step for any new believer. However, I have found that most parachurch ministry leaders encourage church involvement and see us as part of the same team. I view them the same way.

My wife and I recently attended a marriage retreat, and I was so thrilled when they not only shared the gospel but also emphasized the importance of gathering with a local church week in and week out. In fact, attending that marriage retreat was a great illustration of how churches and parachurch ministries can partner in healthy ways. The kind of broad reach that this marriage retreat had meant that believers from many different types of churches and backgrounds came together. We enjoyed fellowship with other couples we know from different denominations, couples who have encouraged our marriage and walk with the Lord but who we don’t usually see on a Sunday or even during an average week. I plan to bring couples from our church next year.

Years ago, when we began that after-school Bible club in an elementary school, one girl named Sierra was ecstatic that there was a “Jesus club” at her school. She was raised by a single mom who did not have a church background, and for some reason, Sierra was interested in knowing more about Jesus. I remember her fascination during the Bible story time. That summer, Sierra came to vacation Bible school at our church, and she prayed with me to receive Christ after I shared the gospel in her class. A few months later, Sierra was baptized in our church while her whole family was there, and then she began to attend our church’s youth ministry.

Meeting my wife and baptizing a new believer are why I am thankful for parachurch ministries. My life has been immeasurably enriched, and my pastoral ministry has been built up thanks to healthy gospel partnerships. Yours can be, too!

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Our Extraordinary Christ

I wrote this piece for Small Town Summits Articles. I am the Content Manager for STS Articles. I hope that it encourages both small-town pastors and lay Christians.

Is your Jesus big enough? In other words, is he the real Jesus? I know of nothing more powerful that will keep you trusting in Christ and serving him wherever he has called you than a fresh view of who Jesus is and what he has done. Erik Raymond insightfully writes, “The road to apostasy is paved with indifference to the glory of Christ.” We could add, the road to flaming out in pastoral ministry before our ministry is complete is paved with indifference to the glory of Christ.

The book of Hebrews teaches us that knowing and loving Jesus is what will keep us from apostasy (Hebrews 2:1-4, 3:12-19, 4:14, 5:11-6:8, 10:19-23, 12:25-29). It also teaches us that knowing and loving Jesus will give us the endurance to continue on in ministry (Hebrews 3:1-3, 4:16, 6:9-12, 10:22-25, 10:32-39, 11:1ff, 12:1-3, 12:12-16, 13:1ff).

Mixed with the blessings of being a pastor, we all have moments when we wonder if pastoral ministry is worth it. Sometimes those moments can be magnified by the unique challenges of ministry in a small place. One family moves away, and their absence is felt for the next year plus. You wonder if pouring out your life for the indifferent people in this town is the best use of your one life. A Sunday morning of low attendance makes you wonder about the future of your church. In almost a decade of pastoring in a small town in Vermont, I have felt all of those things and much more. But what has kept me at my post when I have felt like moving on is a realization of who Jesus is and that as long as he has a ministry for me in this small place, he is worth it. The greatness of Jesus propels me forward, and I know that he can do the same for you.

Hebrews 1:1-3 gives a mind-blowing view of the extraordinary Christ. This understanding of who Jesus is keeps us from thinking of Jesus as small in our small-town ministries. Five simple truths in these three verses can keep us faithful, and keep us fruitful.

1) Jesus Owns Everything!

Our extraordinary Christ doesn’t need anything. Hebrews 1:1-2a explains, “Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things…” Knowing that the Savior whom we serve is the “heir of all things” reminds me that Jesus is Lord over my small town. Most may not recognize it yet, but he is still Lord. This truth also reminds me that he can provide for our small church in extraordinary ways when he chooses to. We have story after story of God providing buildings and finances and using our church to advance the gospel in our community, New England and around the world when it seemed impossible. We have seen the Lord of the harvest turn souls to himself in answer to prayer, when year after year of sowing gospel seeds didn’t appear to be bearing any fruit. When we recognize that Jesus owns it all, we can serve him and rest with joy.

2) Jesus Created Everything!

Hebrews 1:2b, still talking about Jesus, shocks us: “…through whom also he created the world.” It is easy to forget this truth because Jesus can seem so relatable at times. He walked among us. He was born in a small town. He died for me. Yet he is so cosmic. John 1:3 explains more: “All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made.” Colossians 1:16-17 takes our understanding a step further: “For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”

Scientists tell us that there are probably about 100 billion galaxies and that each galaxy itself contains about one hundred thousand million stars (is that even a number?!). Jesus created it all! And the creator of it all who holds it all together cares about your small-town church. In fact, when you think about the greatness of space and the fact that he created it, everything is a small place compared to him.

3) Jesus Displays God in Everything!

Hebrews 1:3a continues to exult in Jesus, “He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature…” I want you to notice what the writer of Hebrews did not say. He did not say that Jesus is the reflection of God, like the moon reflects the brightness or glory of the sun. He says in Hebrews 1:3 that Jesus is the radiance of the glory of God, which means that he radiates the glory of God himself. In other words, we don’t look to Jesus to see a reflection of God, we look to Jesus to see God!

The fullest revelation of God’s glory that we have is Jesus. And we know that Jesus cared about the cities and the small places. He ministered in Jerusalem and Galilee. We reflect God’s glory when we reflect Jesus’s heart for the small places.

4) Jesus Upholds Everything!

If Jesus could go out of existence, the universe would immediately disintegrate and actually disappear. “…and he upholds the universe by the word of his power…” (Hebrews 1:3b) The reason that molecules act as they act is not because of the laws of science, it is because of the Lord Jesus! This is why he could multiply bread or speak to the water and wind. If Jesus can uphold everything, then he can uphold you no matter what challenges you are facing in life or ministry!

5) Jesus Forgave You For Everything!

We can be in awe of somebody great, but it doesn’t mean that we know them or love them. Yet the same one who is so great is the same one who died for you! Hebrews 1:3c reminds us, “…After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high…” Constantly reminding ourselves of the gospel takes us from knowing Jesus to loving Jesus. And truly loving Jesus means we will not only continue in the faith, but continue serving him.

Jesus is the wow factor in our small-town churches. If we continue to press into our extraordinary Christ, we will find that we can also press on for him.

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Three Reasons For Pastors to Care About Marriage

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared at Focus on the Family’s The Focused Pastor. You will regularly see articles I have written for The Focused Pastor here. However, I will continue to write articles for both pastors and all Christians. If you are not a pastor but you find this helpful, please pass it on to your pastor!

The more we, as pastors, have a biblical view of marriage, the more we will care about marriage. We minister and live in a culture that thinks it can redefine marriage with no negative consequences. We preach weekly to kids and teens who need to hear that God created marriage for human flourishing and to reflect the love of Jesus in a special way. We teach and shepherd married couples who are hurting, looking for hope, and don’t know where to turn. 

The rise of singleness in the U.S.[1] sometimes makes us hesitant to talk about marriage too much from the pulpit or to put too much emphasis on marriage classes. While singleness is good, and the church needs to recapture that biblical truth (1 Corinthians 7:6-8), pastors must discuss marriage from the pulpit and make plans to have at least occasional marriage classes, enrichment, and resource recommendations for married couples. 

Here are three reasons we as pastors must care about marriage:

1. We must care about marriage because marriage is a gospel issue

Nothing is more important in the Christian life than the gospel (1 Corinthians 15:3-5). In Ephesians 5:22-33, the longest passage in the New Testament on marriage, Paul explains how marriage uniquely points to the gospel and undergirds marriage. 

Every marriage says something about the gospel, even if the couple knows nothing about the gospel. God embedded marriage into the culture at the beginning of time (Genesis 2:18-25) as a quiet pointer to the gospel (Ephesians 5:29-32). So, the question that pastors need to face is, what do the marriages in my church say about the gospel? The enemy who wasted no time attacking marriage right after it was created (Genesis 2:25) continues to attack it today.

Yet, when marriages thrive, they adorn the gospel (Titus 2:10). When marriages fail, they detract from the winsomeness of the gospel. When we, as pastors, care about marriage, teach and preach about it, and point the people in our churches to good marriage resources, we show them how they live in their marriages matters because the gospel matters. 

2. We must care about marriage because Jesus cares about marriage

When the Pharisees asked Jesus about marriage and divorce in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, the answer Jesus gave continues to echo down to us today, answering questions about divorce and why Christians should care about even the definition of marriage. The Lord clearly states that God created Adam as male and Eve as female, but His answer in those Gospels also reminds us that God is the Creator. Changing the definition of marriage will have disastrous consequences as we try to “un-god” God and “god” ourselves with the powers of creation. Because God created it, marriage was never ours to change. 

Only in the differences of male and female (Matthew 19:4) can there be the union of marriage (Matthew 19:5-6). Remember, Jesus started answering the disciples’ questions about marriage by asking, “Have you not read?” If Jesus were answering us today as we asked him about same-sex marriage or the basic definition of marriage, there is no doubt that he would say something along the lines of, “Have you not read?” referring to either Genesis or the Gospels.

There is beauty, function, meaning, and gospel pointers in marriage between a husband and wife. Christians must now build a broader foundation in sharing our faith and discipling our kids and young believers as cultural definitions of marriage change, which means pastors have more work to do regarding what marriage is.  

It is hard to preach and teach even the basic definition of marriage in our world today because there are so many different assumptions. Yet clear, biblical teaching rooted in Scripture, which is also compassionate and full of grace, will draw many to Christ and God’s plan amid our cultural chaos. The pastor who teaches about marriage will know that he has God’s blessing on his ministry because Jesus cares about marriage.

3. We must care about marriage because we care about couples and children being safer and happier

When people follow God’s design, they thrive. Life works. Pastors care about marriage and preach and teach about it because couples and children are safer and happier when they follow a biblical view of marriage.

In Nancy Pearcey’s 2023 book The Toxic War on Masculinity, she points out that about 90 percent of evangelical Christians continue to accept the idea of complementarian roles in the home, including the headship of the husband. [2] These are the same ideas about gender and marriage in particular that are often thought of as archaic at their best and abusive at their worst. Citing study after study, Pearcey shows that the data indicates that Christian men who attend church at least three times a month “are more loving to their wives and more emotionally engaged with their children than any other group in America. They are the least likely to divorce, and they have the lowest levels of domestic abuse and violence.”[3]

We know God designed marriage to make us holy before he designed it to make us happy. We know that marriage is one of God’s greatest sanctification tools because of the covenant relationship that does not allow us to run from our sins or our problems without significant consequences. Yet we also know that when couples follow God’s design to love each other like Jesus, communicate in ways the Bible tells them to, see each other as equal but different, and pursue a deeper friendship with each other, they will be happier. 

We can all look back over the years of our ministries and think of couples who have been through great heartache but have fought battles and won by God’s grace. Their marriages are not perfect, but they are better than they used to be.

We, as pastors, have a lot on our plates. At the beginning of each week, you may look over your planner and let out a big sigh or a prayer that says, “God, I’m not sure where to place my priorities this week because I can’t do it all.” Make sure that as you look at each week—which turns into each month, which turns into each year—that you include purposeful marriage enrichment and teaching and shepherding in your ministry plans. God cares deeply about marriage. Shepherds who look like Jesus do, too—and know they have God’s smile upon their ministries.

[1] In 1960, about 10 percent of American adults were single, and in 2012, that number rose to nearly half for the first time in history. Cited in William P. Farley, Marriage in Paradise: How to Have a Genesis Two Marriage in a Genesis Three World, (Pinnacle, 2018), 30.

[2] Nancy R. Pearcey, The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes (Grand Rapids, Baker Books), 35.

[3] The Toxic War on Masculinity, 36.

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Cultivating Trust with New Church Attendees

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared at Focus on the Family’s The Focused Pastor. You will regularly see articles I have written for The Focused Pastor here. However, I will continue to write articles for both pastors and all Christians. If you are not a pastor but you find this helpful, please pass it on to your pastor!

I have noticed over the years that somebody attending my church and pastoring them are often two different things. Formally, membership is how our church recognizes that somebody has publicly said that our church is their home church. But I have often found that before membership, there is a moment when a new attendee calls you “pastor,” and you know that you have a new sacred relationship that God has allowed you to have.

Sometimes, we build trust quickly, and God places a new sheep right where they need to be. I think of the family who moved to our town from over 1,500 miles away, visited our church the following Sunday, and never left until they moved out of state again five years later. I think of another family who visited our church for about a month before the husband asked if he could go to coffee with me. I couldn’t read them and wondered if he had a lot of questions before they would settle into our church life. He looked at me after the first sip of joe and said with a big smile, “Our family is ready to join your church. We have found our church home.”

I also think of the lady who had to leave a church that no longer believed the Bible was the inerrant Word of God. It took her about a year of attending off and on before we had that same conversation at the same coffee shop.

But I also think of the primarily Spanish-speaking attendee who first called me pastor when I knocked on her door during a snowstorm. She had been attending for about six months, but I still did not have her phone number or e-mail address. I did know where she lived, and I wanted to make sure that she understood that the kid’s Christmas pageant practices were starting in a few days in case her kids wanted to be a part of it. Driving to her house and knocking on the door while the snow fell to make sure we included her in our church family was what she needed to call me “pastor.” As I saw the trust built, I realized I had acted as a shepherd representing the care of Christ in her life. I baptized her about six months later.

There are three main ways I have learned to shepherd new attendees into being part of our local flock.

1. Building trust

 Attendees of a new church need to know that they can trust you as their pastor. Yes, we are only imperfect men who serve a perfect Savior. But they must know if you go to God’s Word to get answers for life and eternity. This will primarily start with your preaching ministry. Recently, new attendees often know how we hold to God’s Word because they have researched us on our website and often watched our live stream or listened to sermons before they visited the first time.

Once they walk through your church doors, trust is built as you or other members or leaders connect with them, and they know that somebody cares they attended your church. We all need to know that God’s Word is taught and that God’s Word is lived out, and that includes welcoming strangers no matter their beliefs or backgrounds. Each new attendee, each new family or individual, needs to move at their own pace as God leads them.

2. Assessing trust 

You continue to build trust Trust as you and your church’s credibility grows in a new attendee’s eyes. Do they know you and the church members will pray for them? Can they talk with somebody about their questions about the church, the gospel, or God’s Word? Sometimes, that trust is built as they continue to attend Sunday after Sunday, and other times, that trust is built more slowly or as they are contacted to check in on them because they have not attended in a while. Even if they have moved on to another church, I have never had somebody tell me that I should not have checked in on them. This includes learning their name or getting them in touch with another elder or leader who will know them and their family and who can start to get them more involved in the life of the church so that they can grow in Christ, be ministered to, and eventually minister through your local body.

3. Cultivating trust

We cultivate trust as we grow together in Christ. The church is a dynamic organism, constantly changing as people move, are born, die, leave, or unite themselves to your local body. Yet a dynamic church is not necessarily seen in how large it is or whether or not it is growing in numbers in any given season. A church that is alive cares for its members, new attendees, and the community, seeking to apply the gospel of Christ to their lives.

Sometimes, that trust is built through serving together. Only members can serve in our children’s ministry, for example, but we let a relatively new attendee participate in helping with our Block Party outreach. Serving together showed her this was a church community with which she wanted to live her Christian life. When somebody is fighting cancer or going through some other hardship, alerting the church membership to how they can serve them is another way we have cultivated trust. We are called to show the love of Christ to all.

There is joy in representing Jesus and in pointing people to the Great Shepherd of our souls. Harold Senkbeil, in his book The Care of Souls, says that a sheepdog always has his tail wagging when he is working, and one eye is always on his master. If your eyes are on the Master, it will hit you as it sometimes hits me: I get the privilege to serve Jesus as his errand boy today—wherever and in whatever way he chooses to take me for that day or that season.

Yet, at the same time, pastoral ministry is challenging. There have been many times I have considered pursuing a different career. Yet there are many more things that keep drawing me back: the glory of Christ and the gospel, the sense I can’t shake that this is what God wants me to do, my wife & pastor friends who share love and encouragement with me, seeing people saved and growing in their walk with Jesus, and a co-worker and fellow church members who love serving God through serving his people.

Near the top of that list, I add the joy of that moment when you realize that under Jesus, you have a new sheep to lead. Keep shepherding each one towards Christ. There is no greater privilege.

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Pastoral Weakness and The Power of Christ

Note from Tim: This article was originally published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor.” These ideas came from a talk I gave at Small Town Summits in Vermont, Rhode Island & Connecticut.

I didn’t plan to write a sermon on the power of Christ in weakness with a fever. Yet that is where I found myself this spring, preparing a sermon on 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. Day in and day out that week, I would try to write that sermon and do other ministry I had planned. Day after day, my physical and mental weakness frustrated my plans. Many more than three times, I pleaded with the Lord to deliver me and take the sickness away. Here’s what I kept hearing as I opened God’s Word to prepare to preach: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have had a fairly healthy last several months, but a fever this morning has peaked as I write this. God wants me to learn again that the power of Christ will rest on me in my weakness. Sometimes God says no to our prayers to work out his purpose, which is greater than we could ever see on this side of Heaven.

For you, it may be much more serious than a fever. It has been a challenging year for me with various trials, but nothing as serious or life-threatening as cancer as some of my church members and a pastor friend are dealing with. Whatever weakness you are struggling with personally or in pastoral ministry, 2 Corinthians 12 teaches us that the power of Christ rests upon us in our suffering.

A personal pastoral weakness

Second Corinthians is a highly personal letter. Paul is writing to a church he had spent at least 18 months planting and establishing. He knew these people. He loved these people. He had shared God’s Word and the gospel with them. Yet false teachers, whom Paul sometimes called “super-apostles” in a tongue-in-cheek way in this letter (2 Corinthians 11:5-6), had come in and brought false teaching. They received an audience from the Corinthian church by discrediting Paul as an apostle, but not in the way we might expect. It was through personal attacks like making fun of his appearance or saying, “He’s so tough in his letters, but wait until you meet him in person.” (See this idea in 2 Corinthians 10:10)

We need to put ourselves in Paul’s shoes to realize how personally difficult it would be not only to have someone in our church giving us a hard time, as we’ve all experienced, but even making fun of us. Yet to make matters worse, it seems that part of what the “super-apostles” were using to discredit Paul is that he had so many weaknesses. As you read 2 Corinthians, you can almost hear them taunting, “If Paul is a true Apostle, then why does he have so many difficulties?”

The power of Christ tabernacles with us in our weakness

Yet Paul found that his “thorn in the flesh,” as difficult as it was and as much as it was a messenger of Satan (2 Corinthians 12:7), was being used by God to keep him from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the spiritual revelations he had received. The word “thorn” in 2 Corinthians 12:7 is strong—it can mean a stake. His revelations and visions threatened to puff him up, so God sent a thorn to burst his bubble and make him humble.

Brothers, here is the hard but important truth we will sometimes experience in ministry: God is more concerned with our character and spiritual growth than our comfort. The discomfort is often how he meets us. Paul explains in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9a, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…”

Sometimes God chooses not to deliver us from the trial but through the trial. And here’s the beautiful thing that can’t be missed—in our weakness, the power of Christ rests upon us in a way that we would not experience if we were not in that trial.

When Paul writes at the end of 2 Corinthians 12:9, “…Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” there is an important phrase used. “Rest upon me” at the end of verse 9 is the vocabulary of the Tabernacle, from the time when God pitched his tent with his people (Exodus 40:34). It is also the language used of Jesus when “the word became flesh and dwelt among us.” (John 1:14) Jesus tabernacled among us when he came to earth, just as the glory of the LORD tabernacled with his people through the Tabernacle and later the Temple.

The breathtaking truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9 is that the all-powerful Christ “pitches his tent” with his people in their weakness. He rests upon you in his strength when you are weak. Your pastoral weakness is where Jesus pitches his tent with you.

Do you not know what to say to that difficult theological question? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Do you not know what to do or say when a family in your church goes through tragedy? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Do you feel weary in ministry, wondering if you can continue to handle the pressure? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Are you or someone in your family battling an illness? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Whatever you may be facing today that shows your weakness in pastoral ministry, it is an opportunity to experience Christ resting upon you. The only requirement is that you are weak because Jesus is strong!

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The Transforming Power of Hopeful Love in Marriage

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the July 2023 edition of Lifeway’s HomeLife magazine under the title, “Love That Hopes: It May Be as Simple as Keeping Your Wedding Vows.”

Photo by Geoffroy Hauwen on Unsplash

Seminary was hard for me. I worked full-time and didn’t sleep enough, given the graduate studies and babies at home. Although I excelled in some classes, the distractions of work and exhaustion of the pace of life for that season made subjects that were more difficult for me, like Hebrew, even harder. But the hardest homework I ever had was in one of my last classes, The Pastor’s Home.

I had to rate myself and my wife on a scale of 1-10 for each of the attributes of true love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. The idea was to put my name in place of the word “love,” and then my wife’s name: Tim is patient. Tim is kind. Tim bears all things. Tim hopes all things.

My wife, Melanie, had to rate me as well. She was gracious but honest in her ratings for that homework assignment. The one that hurt the most was a low rating on: Tim hopes all things.

My absence and rough edges had stacked up during those four and a half years of grinding through school.

My professor explained to us that in this category, he wanted us to rate each other on whether our spouse looked for the best in us and looked for what God was doing in our life. I was shocked at the low rating, but at that point in our marital growth, I learned to listen more when my wife shared openly. It was homework that hurt but helped. I needed to hear that I had too often been harsh and impatient as she grew into being a stay-at-home mom while I was selling cell phones and parsing Greek verbs.

Hopeful Love

Looking back at some of my words and attitudes during that season, I feel sick about them. God clearly showed me through that painful and helpful homework that I needed to grow in “hoping all things” and reflecting the patient love of Christ better to my wife. She had been so patient with me. Even more, Jesus had been patient with me. I needed to be more loving towards her by “hoping all things.” How often would your husband or wife say that your love for him or her “hopes all things” as true love does, based on 1 Corinthians 13:7? What we need in our marriages is the hopeful love of Jesus.

The essence of hopeful love is that God isn’t done with us yet. This requires faith. It’s essentially the same faith that believes God’s promises of the gospel for yourself. In a love that hopes, you’re simply bending the promises of the gospel out onto your spouse, finding hope in the fact that the same Holy Spirit at work in your life is at work in his or her life as well. Jesus has promised he will continue the work he has begun in you—and in your spouse. This means there is always a reason for hope in marriage. Hopeful love isn’t only a manufacturer of hope, it is also an engine of change. Hopeful love can change the trajectory of your marriage.

When Jesus looks at you, He sees you as already sanctified (made holy). When Jesus looks at your believing spouse, He sees him or her as already sanctified. This hope is anchored in the power and promise of the gospel. The apostle Paul writes to believers, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11). Paul was writing to upstanding model Christians who had never had marriage problems, right? Wrong—he was writing to the Corinthian church. They were a mess. They were far from maturity in Christ. At the beginning of the same chapter, he was addressing how some of them were suing each other. The church needed to apply the gospel to the current mess and the messy past.

Before coming to know Christ, some of them had been sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, people living in homosexuality, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, and swindlers (see 1 Cor. 6:9-10). Talk about baggage brought into a marriage! But in Christ, he doesn’t say they will be forgiven and changed someday. He declares on the blood of Jesus, “And such were some of you!” (1 Cor. 6:11a). 

Every married couple needs hope. They need to know that Jesus doesn’t only see us as made holy in the future. With the ultimate eyes of faith, our Savior sees us as sanctified today because of the radical spiritual reality of the gospel: “…But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11b).

Radical Grace

Part of what God calls us to as husbands and wives is to see our spouses with the eyes of Christ; not for who they are in their sin, but for who they are with their new identity in Christ and for who God is making them to be.

In fact, Jesus sees your spouse not only as already sanctified, but also as already glorified—in his or her glorious, perfect state in heaven (Rom. 8:30)! If this sounds too good to be true for a spouse who sometimes says thoughtless things, then you’re starting to understand the gospel. It is radical grace. Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does: Riddled with shortcomings (as you are too), but with the potential to live more like Jesus in the days to come and with the promise of being perfect one day in heaven. 

Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does.

If you’re married to an unbeliever, God has called you to trust that He is at work in your spouse’s life, and part of that work is being married to you. The Holy Spirit powerfully reminds you: “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:16) Continue to pray for your unbelieving spouse and continue to love your spouse like Jesus, day by day. Although the promises of the gospel–including Jesus seeing your spouse as already sanctified–don’t apply until your spouse bows his or her heart to Jesus as Lord and Savior, you still honor God and can know that you’re doing all you can to improve your marriage when you pour out the grace of Jesus. When you look for evidence of growth that affects your marriage positively, you’re reflecting the love of Jesus.

Do you see the good things that God is doing in your spouse? Do you see and appreciate or mention the best in him or her now? Write down a few things you’ve noticed recently that God is doing in your spouse’s life and make a plan to tell him or her. It could be a direct way for you to point to the reality of Christ’s active work and to express hopeful love.

Transforming Love

After that difficult homework assignment, I made it my goal to grow specifically in “hopeful love.” I tried to find ways to help my wife to shine. I made sure we had time for her to have opportunities to serve at church that were life-giving for her. I gifted her with an art class because I knew that she is artistic but rarely has an opportunity to enjoy making art. I prayed more specifically for her growth rather than brooding. I tried to always remember that Jesus is patient with me, and Melanie is patient with me—so I need to do the same. Over the years, hopeful love has done its transforming work. Melanie has told me that she now feels (most of the time) that I see the best in her. And the reality is, as this has become a habit, I do.             

Hopeful love has transformed our marriage. We’re now both more patient with each other. And yet, it’s not a patience that is always longing for change, in the sense of, “I will be happy once my spouse acts this way.” Rather, it is a sense of patience that says, “I love you just the way you are. And yet, I also delight in how God is changing you. I can’t believe that out of the billions of people in the world, He gave me the privilege of having a front-row seat to His work in your life.”

Hopeful love not only transforms marriage, but it also makes it sweet.

For further reflection. Showing the hopeful love of Jesus to your spouse means:

·       You can be hopeful with conflict: You can believe that you won’t always fight often.
·       You can be hopeful with communication: You can learn to communicate in healthier, more godly patterns. 
·       You can be hopeful with finances: You can work together better and grow in managing and spending your finances. 
·       You can be hopeful with sex: You can still grow and learn together. 
·       You can be hopeful with parenting: As you make an effort to grow in godly parenting, God can use that desire to have an impact on your husband or wife and ultimately on your kids. 
·       You can be hopeful even in sickness: God can heal and God can carry. 
 
In short, hopeful love means that you can keep your vows: “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…” The very act of making wedding vows is an act of hopeful love. Keeping those vows means continuing that hopeful love, day after day.
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Discipled By the Word or the World About Sex?

Note from Tim: This article was originally published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor.”

I eagerly answered the phone when I saw my pastor friend calling. After catching up for a minute, he got to why he had called: “My church is organizing a regional men’s retreat. I’d like you to teach a session about sex.”

I got quiet on the other end of the line. Then I began to laugh.

“No, I’m serious,” he explained. “Our men need to be discipled by the Word in this area of their lives.”

A few months later, I stood in front of about 80 men and opened up the Word to show them four basic, crucial truths God has given us on the topic of sex – sex has parameters, isn’t just physical—it’s spiritual, it’s a good gift from God, and He designed it to bless my spouse. The reaction of the men afterward floored me. It was like I had opened the floodgates. Married men, single men, young and old, told me they hear about sex so often now from the world but not enough in the church. They were grateful to discuss it openly, without shame, and within a biblical framework.

Since that experience, I began to look for ways to bring teaching about sex into our church deliberately. Eight years ago, the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize same-sex marriage across our nation changed our culture. Sexuality is discussed more often in the news, school classrooms, movies, social media, and politics.

In the past, many pastors didn’t have a strategic plan to include teaching on sex in the regular teaching of their church. They may have intentionally brought it up in marriage classes or youth ministry, but they didn’t consider what the Bible says about gender, sexuality, and marriage important enough to include alongside doctrinal teaching.

Yet the early church did not see sex that way. Jude dealt with a culture much like ours, and he said that people who “pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ,” will receive condemnation (Jude 4). Denying Christ happens with false teaching about Christ, but denying Christ also happens with false teaching about sex.

Here are four ways we have the opportunity to bring light and truth to the confusion:

1. Show the beauty of God’s design

One reason we get nervous about teaching about sex is because we know that while it is a great gift from our Creator, sex is also abused, misunderstood, and sometimes a point of contention in marriages. While I am not advocating for being unnuanced, some of these concerns are not a problem when we focus on the bigger picture in our teaching, showing the beauty of God’s design. We are pastors, not sex therapists. There is so much in God’s Word regarding the beauty of God’s good design without covering issues of technique between married couples, health problems, or all the ways people use sex sinfully. There may be appropriate settings to teach those and other topics or refer church members to a counselor, podcast, book, or other resources.

Part of how we fight lies is with the beauty of truth, and God’s plan for sex within the protection of a marriage covenant can’t be beaten by the counterfeits of the world. Satan has tried to turn sex upside down, and through Bible teaching, we turn sex right side up. Show how God protects us through his parameters and how Christian couples glorify God when they enjoy his good gift with their spouse (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

2. Be age appropriate and strategic

It may not be appropriate for me to preach Proverbs 5:18-19 in Sunday morning worship with elementary-age children present: “…rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” But when I taught these verses as part of our Adult and High School Sunday School class on sex, I was glad that church members heard these words on their pastor’s lips. Hearing a pastor say that sex is a beautiful gift from God, meant for our delight and bonding in marriage, takes some of the shame out of this topic. It opens doors for discussions with parents and teens and among married couples.

Thinking intentionally about your Sunday morning situation will help you know how to plan. Could you contact parents and offer additional children’s classes for a few Sundays so you can speak more freely? Plan with your leaders for intentional Sunday School classes, Men’s or Women’s Bible studies, and small groups. For example, while our men’s group has read some great books, this year, I strategically chose a new book on biblical manhood that addresses issues like pornography and transgenderism. I knew we needed to discuss these topics in addition to forming a positive vision of masculinity.

3. Teach about homosexuality, other sexual sins, and the gospel

Luther allegedly quipped, “If I profess with the loudest voice and clearest exposition every portion of the Word of God except precisely that little point which the world and the devil are at that moment attacking, I am not confessing Christ, however boldly I may be professing him.” Homosexuality is not a little point. LGBT issues are everywhere, and we must give our people a biblical lens to see them. Bible passages abound that show both the sinfulness of the homosexual lifestyle while also holding out God’s grace (1 Corinthians 6:9-11, Romans 1:26-27 with Romans 5:6-11). If our people don’t hear us teaching sometimes on this and other pressing concerns like adultery, pornography, cohabitation, and the definition of marriage, they won’t have the boldness or the equipment to live godly, evangelistic lives in today’s world.

4. Don’t forget to teach about the spirituality of sex

The broader culture insinuates that sex is hardly different from other physical actions like working out or eating, but the Bible teaches us there’s much more going on (1 Corinthians 6:12-20). The unity between marriage partners in sex points to the new covenant unity enjoyed between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). The bliss we experience in the marriage bed points us ahead to the bliss we’ll experience at the marriage supper of the Lamb.

The part of the Bible with more to say about sex than any other section is in Proverbs and Song of Solomon, known as wisdom literature. We must have wisdom from God as Creator to know how to use this gift properly.

Marriages need to be encouraged. Teens and young adults are confused. Young believers need to be discipled. The wisdom they need about sex is right there in their Bibles. Maybe all that is needed to unleash it is a courageous pastor willing to point them to it. Our God loved them enough to give them the gift of sex and also loved them enough to give them his warnings and blessings regarding sex. 

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Your Faithfulness Affects Us All: A Plea to Empty Nesters to Continue to Pursue Their Marriages

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the May 2023 edition of Lifeway’s “Mature Living” Magazine.

Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash

“Do you have a few minutes to talk during my break?” the twenty-something barista asked me as I took my cup of coffee from him in one hand, balancing commentaries and my laptop in the other hand. I could see strain on his face. I had first met him just a few months earlier. We worshiped at different churches in different communities, but he knew I was a pastor and I could see he needed to talk.

Thirty minutes later, he sat across from me in the coffee shop and poured out his broken heart to me: his dad had just announced his unfaithfulness and that he was pursuing a divorce. This hit my new friend hard. He had only been married a couple of years, and he had always looked up to his dad; his parents had led him to the Lord.

A couple of days later, I sat in a church member’s home during our small group. When it came time to share prayer requests, he asked for prayer for his parents. His mom had just announced she had a boyfriend and was pursuing a divorce. This set of parents was in their early sixties. He was shocked and saddened.

What this pair of circumstances days apart showed me yet again is that unfaithfulness—or faithfulness—in marriage affects those around us in profound ways. My friends, both married men who had been out of the home for years, were nonetheless deeply affected by their parents’ marital drift. The majority of my marriage counseling is with empty nester and retired couples, a common trend. The problems that are often swept under the rug while the kids are at home have a nasty way of coming back with a vengeance after the kids have left the home. The call to pursue your husband or wife is just as crucial three or five decades into marriage as it is in the first couple of decades of your covenant. Here are three ways to pursue faithfulness in marriage during your empty nest years.

Remember you are leaving a legacy. Your marriage is not just for you. Your choices in your marriage today affect your grown children, your grandchildren, and generations you will never meet. Investing in your marriage today could give hope to the future marriage of your grandchildren who are now in elementary school. My grandparent’s 64 years of marriage still encourages me today.

Remember that your faithfulness honors Jesus. Unfaithfulness in your marriage may affect us all, but so does faithfulness. Your faithfulness in the later decades of marriage remind us that Jesus still redeems, and that Jesus still empowers. Pursuing your spouse in your several-decades-old marriage reminds us that Jesus has an enduring love also, because the covenant of marriage was designed by God to point to the New Covenant love of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33). 

Remember God’s promises of hope and joy. During Isaiah’s time, Israel struggled to believe that God would be with them to the end. Could the same God who had saved in the past break through the circumstances of today? This consolation from the living God still rings true: “Listen to me . . . all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been sustained from the womb . . . I will be the same until your old age, and I will bear you up when you turn gray. I have made you, and I will carry you; I will bear and rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:3-4) 

God created your marriage covenant all of those decades ago. He was with you when you said, “I do,” and he promises to carry you until death do you part. But he doesn’t just promise to help his people grin and bear it; he is also the God who can bring hope and joy. He loves to bring renewal. He resurrects marriages just as he resurrected Lazarus.

It could be that the golden years of your retirement are the golden years of your marriage. With Jesus, all things are possible. Brothers and sisters, your unfaithfulness affects us all. But your faithfulness also affects us for good, more than you will ever know.

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The Secret to Loving Your Wife Better: Love Jesus Better

Note from Tim: This article originally was published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor” ministry. The content applies to non-pastor husbands as well!

This post was also featured in Tim Challies’ A La Carte.

I recently heard somebody say that one of the ways to endure well in ministry is to realize that ministry is not about you. It’s all about Jesus. The same is true of marriage. When you embrace that marriage is about Jesus first and you and your wife second, one of the secrets of a joyful, enduring marriage comes to light: love Jesus better, and you will love your wife better.

As pastors, it seems we should know this instinctively. Our calling is directly tied to helping others know Jesus better. But we are no different than our church members. We must constantly remind ourselves that marriage is about Jesus first and works best when we love Jesus first.

As I have studied what the Bible says about marriage – both for my growth and for those I shepherd – I have become convinced that Christ’s relationship with the church is the controlling metaphor that God has given us to help us understand marriage. A controlling metaphor is a word picture that explains something for an entire work of literature. At the beginning of the Bible, when God created marriage in the Garden of Eden, He initiated a human covenant relationship that He knew would reflect the relationship between His Son and His people. Even so many years before Jesus, even in the Garden, God pointed ahead to his Son.

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

At the end of the Bible, when God plans a celebration feast for the consummation of the ages, he describes it using what term? The marriage Supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7, 9)! When we love our wives like Christ loves the church, we play our part in a story that has been told since the beginning of time, a story that all creation will continue to celebrate at the end of time as we step into the beginning of forever.

Paul points this out in Ephesians 5:31-32, when he quotes Genesis 2:24, and then explains there are depths to marriage we can only begin to understand on this side of eternity: 

“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” 

Marriage refers to Christ and the church. God embedded marriage in culture as a quiet pointer to the gospel. So, when we love our wives well, we point to Jesus. But also, when we love Jesus well, we love our wives better.

Closer to Jesus, Closer to My Wife

After two decades of marriage, I have noticed a pattern: when I am closer to Jesus, I am usually closer to my wife. Why is this? Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?: 

“A marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”

This applies to pastors as much as anyone else. Yet, there are certain dangers inherent in our vocation. We may think that because we serve Jesus daily as part of our job, we are naturally close to Him. But one test of a man’s walk with Christ is how he treats his wife. This is not to say that if we are close to Jesus, we will always be close to our wives. The fact that you are a sinner married to a sinner in a world groaning under the curse means your marriage will have ups and downs. But making your relationship with Christ a priority is the start of finding the freedom and power to love your wife humbly and selflessly as Jesus loves us, no matter what is going on in your relationship or ministry. 

Order Your Love Rightly

When you remember that Jesus is your first love (see Revelation 2:4-5), his love naturally overflows out of your life and into your wife. It’s not that loving Jesus and loving your wife are commands from God that are at odds with each other, it is that we can only love others rightly when we order our love rightly. 

Jesus explained how loving God results in loving others: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39) Your wife is your closest neighbor, so Jesus’ words remind us of our priorities as shepherds of God’s people: love Jesus, love your wife, love your kids, and love others, including your church family and community.

Fellow pastors and ministry leaders, don’t forget that there is one time the Bible commands you to get drunk: “…Be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:19). God wants you to be drunk with love for your wife. This is best for you, her, your kids, and your church, and it glorifies God. Pursue her simply for the joy of pursuing her and because you love her. But don’t forget that you will love your wife better when you love Jesus. Root your pursuit of her in the fact that Christ has pursued you. Embracing this secret can be the secret to embracing a joy-filled marriage.

Rekindle your love for Jesus, and be in tune with his heart for reflecting the gospel in your marriage. Then your marriage will be like a fire that keeps you both warm and gives light to others.

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