Tag: pastors

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Pastors, Pursue Your Wife!

I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus on the Family.

The biblical call to pursue your wife

I have a confession to make. My wife is a faster runner than me. I used to run more regularly, and I ran a marathon in my twenties, so maybe that will change again at some point. But for now, when my wife and I go running together, she is always in front of me. It has become a metaphor for me: keep chasing your wife, Tim! 

Continuing to pursue your wife is good for your relationship. It is also commanded by God for every husband. In the longest passage on marriage in the New Testament, the apostle explains why every Christian husband has the life-long duty and joy of chasing after his wife’s heart, body, and soul: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself…” (Ephesians 5:25-26, 28, 32)

Christian husbands who are trying to please God in their marriages can never let their foot off the gas when pursuing their wives, because it is one of the ways they reflect the pursuing love of Jesus. When God speaks directly to husbands in Ephesians, the command is clear: keep loving your wife, not only for the sake of your relationship, but also because “…it refers to Christ and the church.” A husband who has been truly captivated by the love of Jesus must be an incurable romantic towards his wife.

How pastors can strengthen their marriage through daily pursuit

In many ways a pastor is called to be a godly husband like any other Christian man. But in other ways, God has higher expectations. How does this requirement of a godly husband uniquely apply to pastors? It is in our God-given job description. In the character requirements of a pastor or elder in 1 Timothy 3, we see this indispensable quality in the list: “…the husband of one wife.” (1 Timothy 3:2) As has been often said, this can be understood to mean “a one-woman man.” 

In other words, he has eyes for her only. Put another way, a pastor could quote the Song of Solomon to his wife and mean it from the bottom of his heart: “You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes…How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine…” (Song of Solomon 4:9-10)

Resisting distractions in the pursuit of your wife

But if we’re honest, we don’t always feel that way about our wives. We are, after all, ordinary men whom God has called to an extraordinary task. Apart from the work of the Spirit in our lives, we can have the same selfish tendencies as any other husband. But the solution is right there in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” I am convinced that God’s solution to a mediocre marriage is for the husband to consistently, lovingly, tenderly and yet vigorously pursue his wife.

To do what we know is best for our marriages, we have to consider why we have stopped doing the right thing in the first place. In Homer’s Odyssey, mythological Sirens were half-bird, half-woman creatures. They had beautiful voices that would hypnotize sailors, causing them to crash their boats upon the rocks. Their calls were irresistible. Odysseus, the hero, escaped the Siren’s song by tying himself to the mast of his ship. What are the siren calls in ministry that slowly veer us off course and could shipwreck our marriages? How can we tie ourselves to the mast of joyfully pursuing our wives and stay on course?

The siren call of busyness in ministry over marriage

Part of the struggle that we all experience as pastors is that our work is never done. There are always more meetings that could be held, more progress to be made in developing leaders, more people to disciple, more outreach that could be led, and more work that could be done on this Sunday’s sermon.

But the Lord calls us to be husbands first and pastors second. It’s not that being a husband and pastor are at odds with each other, but that our priorities have to be lined up with God’s priorities as seen in 1 Timothy 3:2. One day, we will retire from full-time vocational ministry. But we will never retire from strengthening our marriage as God calls us to do. Until you or your wife dies, God calls you to have your foot on the pedal of pursuing her — just as Jesus always pursues us.

We can listen to God’s call to joyfully strengthen our marriage instead of to the siren call of busyness in ministry by saying “no” or “wait” to what we can’t accomplish in a reasonable work week. 

Protect your time to strengthen your marriage

I used to push through even if it meant working an unhealthy amount of hours. God convicted me that my relationship with my wife needed to be a priority and that my kids would only be in my home for so long. I have learned the hard way that often I need to put things in my planner at the end of the work week. Some will need to wait until next week, so that I can say yes to the family God has given me. This includes making intentional time with my wife.

Pastoral ministry also gives the flexibility to enjoy small windows of time. I have found that taking advantage of those can make a big difference in marriage. In any given week I may need to go to an evening emergency counseling session. But I can also make sure that my day off includes time for my wife and that a busy week is followed by a slower one. 

One pastor that I was mentored by would go to lunch with his wife every Wednesday. That break in the workweek kept their relationship strong and reminded us all of rightly ordered priorities while she battled cancer and he pastored a busy church.  

The siren call of passivity in marriage

Being pastors does not mean that you and I are exempt from the pull to be passive in our marriages. I am astonished at how quickly I can be lulled yet again into passivity in my pursuit of my wife. I think about how beautiful she looks, but I don’t say it. Yet, I plan ahead for Elder and Deacon meetings, but I don’t plan out a date with her. 

Satan wants pastors to be passive in pursuing their wives. The devil hates it when pastors relentlessly ignore the siren call of passivity and laziness and chase their wive’s hearts. So think of fighting your natural passivity as spiritual warfare. Adam was silent while the deceiver spoke with his wife about the forbidden fruit. It turns out that all of these years later, we still can be passive in our marriages, leaving destruction behind. 

God helps you strengthen your marriage

But Jesus, the snake-crusher, can help us overcome these tendencies. We can put our wife’s needs above our own (Philippians 2:3). Look for ways to help her in the home even when you arrive home exhausted. We can pray with her regularly, even if prayer with her has been hard to fit in during other seasons. We can ask her what is going on in her heart and then listen, even when we are concerned about the latest crisis at the church. We can look for ways to include her in ministry rather than always doing ministry separately.

I have found that being realistic about our season of life in intentionally pursuing my wife has helped me long-term. With our family situation (five kids from toddlers to teenagers), an hour cuddling and talking on the couch might replace a weekly date night. But I can still fight passivity by occasionally planning a night out. I can also look for ways to get away for a few days without kids once a year. Ask God how he wants you to fight passivity in your own heart and situation, and pursue your wife.

Tie Yourself to the Mast of a Joyful Pursuit of Your Wife

Just as Odysseus tied himself to the mast of his ship to beat the sirens, part of God’s solution to pursuing your wife is by tying yourself to the mast of finding joy in your relationship with her. The Preacher in Ecclesiastes encourages husbands in this wise way of living, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love…” (Ecclesiastes 9:9a) That joy will continue to grow as your relationship continues to grow, day-by-day and year-by-year. 

It is possible to be a busy pastor who also makes time for his wife. It is possible to struggle with passivity in marriage even while you are a dynamic leader at church, and yet grow in fighting selfishness in your marriage. Not only is it possible, it is what God calls us to. Pastors who relentlessly pursue their wives can experience God’s smile on their marriage—and often their wife’s smile, too.

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Pastoral Weakness and The Power of Christ

Note from Tim: This article was originally published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor.” These ideas came from a talk I gave at Small Town Summits in Vermont, Rhode Island & Connecticut.

I didn’t plan to write a sermon on the power of Christ in weakness with a fever. Yet that is where I found myself this spring, preparing a sermon on 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. Day in and day out that week, I would try to write that sermon and do other ministry I had planned. Day after day, my physical and mental weakness frustrated my plans. Many more than three times, I pleaded with the Lord to deliver me and take the sickness away. Here’s what I kept hearing as I opened God’s Word to prepare to preach: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have had a fairly healthy last several months, but a fever this morning has peaked as I write this. God wants me to learn again that the power of Christ will rest on me in my weakness. Sometimes God says no to our prayers to work out his purpose, which is greater than we could ever see on this side of Heaven.

For you, it may be much more serious than a fever. It has been a challenging year for me with various trials, but nothing as serious or life-threatening as cancer as some of my church members and a pastor friend are dealing with. Whatever weakness you are struggling with personally or in pastoral ministry, 2 Corinthians 12 teaches us that the power of Christ rests upon us in our suffering.

A personal pastoral weakness

Second Corinthians is a highly personal letter. Paul is writing to a church he had spent at least 18 months planting and establishing. He knew these people. He loved these people. He had shared God’s Word and the gospel with them. Yet false teachers, whom Paul sometimes called “super-apostles” in a tongue-in-cheek way in this letter (2 Corinthians 11:5-6), had come in and brought false teaching. They received an audience from the Corinthian church by discrediting Paul as an apostle, but not in the way we might expect. It was through personal attacks like making fun of his appearance or saying, “He’s so tough in his letters, but wait until you meet him in person.” (See this idea in 2 Corinthians 10:10)

We need to put ourselves in Paul’s shoes to realize how personally difficult it would be not only to have someone in our church giving us a hard time, as we’ve all experienced, but even making fun of us. Yet to make matters worse, it seems that part of what the “super-apostles” were using to discredit Paul is that he had so many weaknesses. As you read 2 Corinthians, you can almost hear them taunting, “If Paul is a true Apostle, then why does he have so many difficulties?”

The power of Christ tabernacles with us in our weakness

Yet Paul found that his “thorn in the flesh,” as difficult as it was and as much as it was a messenger of Satan (2 Corinthians 12:7), was being used by God to keep him from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the spiritual revelations he had received. The word “thorn” in 2 Corinthians 12:7 is strong—it can mean a stake. His revelations and visions threatened to puff him up, so God sent a thorn to burst his bubble and make him humble.

Brothers, here is the hard but important truth we will sometimes experience in ministry: God is more concerned with our character and spiritual growth than our comfort. The discomfort is often how he meets us. Paul explains in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9a, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…”

Sometimes God chooses not to deliver us from the trial but through the trial. And here’s the beautiful thing that can’t be missed—in our weakness, the power of Christ rests upon us in a way that we would not experience if we were not in that trial.

When Paul writes at the end of 2 Corinthians 12:9, “…Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” there is an important phrase used. “Rest upon me” at the end of verse 9 is the vocabulary of the Tabernacle, from the time when God pitched his tent with his people (Exodus 40:34). It is also the language used of Jesus when “the word became flesh and dwelt among us.” (John 1:14) Jesus tabernacled among us when he came to earth, just as the glory of the LORD tabernacled with his people through the Tabernacle and later the Temple.

The breathtaking truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9 is that the all-powerful Christ “pitches his tent” with his people in their weakness. He rests upon you in his strength when you are weak. Your pastoral weakness is where Jesus pitches his tent with you.

Do you not know what to say to that difficult theological question? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Do you not know what to do or say when a family in your church goes through tragedy? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Do you feel weary in ministry, wondering if you can continue to handle the pressure? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Are you or someone in your family battling an illness? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Whatever you may be facing today that shows your weakness in pastoral ministry, it is an opportunity to experience Christ resting upon you. The only requirement is that you are weak because Jesus is strong!

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