The Transforming Power of Hopeful Love in Marriage

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the July 2023 edition of Lifeway’s HomeLife magazine under the title, “Love That Hopes: It May Be as Simple as Keeping Your Wedding Vows.”

Seminary was hard for me. I worked full-time and didn’t sleep enough, given the graduate studies and babies at home. Although I excelled in some classes, the distractions of work and exhaustion of the pace of life for that season made subjects that were more difficult for me, like Hebrew, even harder. But the hardest homework I ever had was in one of my last classes, The Pastor’s Home.

I had to rate myself and my wife on a scale of 1-10 for each of the attributes of true love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. The idea was to put my name in place of the word “love,” and then my wife’s name: Tim is patient. Tim is kind. Tim bears all things. Tim hopes all things.

My wife, Melanie, had to rate me as well. She was gracious but honest in her ratings for that homework assignment. The one that hurt the most was a low rating on: Tim hopes all things.

My absence and rough edges had stacked up during those four and a half years of grinding through school.

My professor explained to us that in this category, he wanted us to rate each other on whether our spouse looked for the best in us and looked for what God was doing in our life. I was shocked at the low rating, but at that point in our marital growth, I learned to listen more when my wife shared openly. It was homework that hurt but helped. I needed to hear that I had too often been harsh and impatient as she grew into being a stay-at-home mom while I was selling cell phones and parsing Greek verbs.

Hopeful Love

Looking back at some of my words and attitudes during that season, I feel sick about them. God clearly showed me through that painful and helpful homework that I needed to grow in “hoping all things” and reflecting the patient love of Christ better to my wife. She had been so patient with me. Even more, Jesus had been patient with me. I needed to be more loving towards her by “hoping all things.” How often would your husband or wife say that your love for him or her “hopes all things” as true love does, based on 1 Corinthians 13:7? What we need in our marriages is the hopeful love of Jesus.

The essence of hopeful love is that God isn’t done with us yet. This requires faith. It’s essentially the same faith that believes God’s promises of the gospel for yourself. In a love that hopes, you’re simply bending the promises of the gospel out onto your spouse, finding hope in the fact that the same Holy Spirit at work in your life is at work in his or her life as well. Jesus has promised he will continue the work he has begun in you—and in your spouse. This means there is always a reason for hope in marriage. Hopeful love isn’t only a manufacturer of hope, it is also an engine of change. Hopeful love can change the trajectory of your marriage.

When Jesus looks at you, He sees you as already sanctified (made holy). When Jesus looks at your believing spouse, He sees him or her as already sanctified. This hope is anchored in the power and promise of the gospel. The apostle Paul writes to believers, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11). Paul was writing to upstanding model Christians who had never had marriage problems, right? Wrong—he was writing to the Corinthian church. They were a mess. They were far from maturity in Christ. At the beginning of the same chapter, he was addressing how some of them were suing each other. The church needed to apply the gospel to the current mess and the messy past.

Before coming to know Christ, some of them had been sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, people living in homosexuality, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, and swindlers (see 1 Cor. 6:9-10). Talk about baggage brought into a marriage! But in Christ, he doesn’t say they will be forgiven and changed someday. He declares on the blood of Jesus, “And such were some of you!” (1 Cor. 6:11a). 

Every married couple needs hope. They need to know that Jesus doesn’t only see us as made holy in the future. With the ultimate eyes of faith, our Savior sees us as sanctified today because of the radical spiritual reality of the gospel: “…But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11b).

Radical Grace

Part of what God calls us to as husbands and wives is to see our spouses with the eyes of Christ; not for who they are in their sin, but for who they are with their new identity in Christ and for who God is making them to be.

In fact, Jesus sees your spouse not only as already sanctified, but also as already glorified—in his or her glorious, perfect state in heaven (Rom. 8:30)! If this sounds too good to be true for a spouse who sometimes says thoughtless things, then you’re starting to understand the gospel. It is radical grace. Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does: Riddled with shortcomings (as you are too), but with the potential to live more like Jesus in the days to come and with the promise of being perfect one day in heaven. 

Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does.

If you’re married to an unbeliever, God has called you to trust that He is at work in your spouse’s life, and part of that work is being married to you. The Holy Spirit powerfully reminds you: “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:16) Continue to pray for your unbelieving spouse and continue to love your spouse like Jesus, day by day. Although the promises of the gospel–including Jesus seeing your spouse as already sanctified–don’t apply until your spouse bows his or her heart to Jesus as Lord and Savior, you still honor God and can know that you’re doing all you can to improve your marriage when you pour out the grace of Jesus. When you look for evidence of growth that affects your marriage positively, you’re reflecting the love of Jesus.

Do you see the good things that God is doing in your spouse? Do you see and appreciate or mention the best in him or her now? Write down a few things you’ve noticed recently that God is doing in your spouse’s life and make a plan to tell him or her. It could be a direct way for you to point to the reality of Christ’s active work and to express hopeful love.

Transforming Love

After that difficult homework assignment, I made it my goal to grow specifically in “hopeful love.” I tried to find ways to help my wife to shine. I made sure we had time for her to have opportunities to serve at church that were life-giving for her. I gifted her with an art class because I knew that she is artistic but rarely has an opportunity to enjoy making art. I prayed more specifically for her growth rather than brooding. I tried to always remember that Jesus is patient with me, and Melanie is patient with me—so I need to do the same. Over the years, hopeful love has done its transforming work. Melanie has told me that she now feels (most of the time) that I see the best in her. And the reality is, as this has become a habit, I do.             

Hopeful love has transformed our marriage. We’re now both more patient with each other. And yet, it’s not a patience that is always longing for change, in the sense of, “I will be happy once my spouse acts this way.” Rather, it is a sense of patience that says, “I love you just the way you are. And yet, I also delight in how God is changing you. I can’t believe that out of the billions of people in the world, He gave me the privilege of having a front-row seat to His work in your life.”

Hopeful love not only transforms marriage, but it also makes it sweet.

For further reflection. Showing the hopeful love of Jesus to your spouse means:

·       You can be hopeful with conflict: You can believe that you won’t always fight often.
·       You can be hopeful with communication: You can learn to communicate in healthier, more godly patterns. 
·       You can be hopeful with finances: You can work together better and grow in managing and spending your finances. 
·       You can be hopeful with sex: You can still grow and learn together. 
·       You can be hopeful with parenting: As you make an effort to grow in godly parenting, God can use that desire to have an impact on your husband or wife and ultimately on your kids. 
·       You can be hopeful even in sickness: God can heal and God can carry. 
 
In short, hopeful love means that you can keep your vows: “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…” The very act of making wedding vows is an act of hopeful love. Keeping those vows means continuing that hopeful love, day after day.