Note from Tim: This article originally was published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor” ministry. The content applies to non-pastor husbands as well!
This post was also featured in Tim Challies’ A La Carte.
I recently heard somebody say that one of the ways to endure well in ministry is to realize that ministry is not about you. It’s all about Jesus. The same is true of marriage. When you embrace that marriage is about Jesus first and you and your wife second, one of the secrets of a joyful, enduring marriage comes to light: love Jesus better, and you will love your wife better.
As pastors, it seems we should know this instinctively. Our calling is directly tied to helping others know Jesus better. But we are no different than our church members. We must constantly remind ourselves that marriage is about Jesus first and works best when we love Jesus first.
As I have studied what the Bible says about marriage – both for my growth and for those I shepherd – I have become convinced that Christ’s relationship with the church is the controlling metaphor that God has given us to help us understand marriage. A controlling metaphor is a word picture that explains something for an entire work of literature. At the beginning of the Bible, when God created marriage in the Garden of Eden, He initiated a human covenant relationship that He knew would reflect the relationship between His Son and His people. Even so many years before Jesus, even in the Garden, God pointed ahead to his Son.
The Marriage Supper of the Lamb
At the end of the Bible, when God plans a celebration feast for the consummation of the ages, he describes it using what term? The marriage Supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7, 9)! When we love our wives like Christ loves the church, we play our part in a story that has been told since the beginning of time, a story that all creation will continue to celebrate at the end of time as we step into the beginning of forever.
Paul points this out in Ephesians 5:31-32, when he quotes Genesis 2:24, and then explains there are depths to marriage we can only begin to understand on this side of eternity:
“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
Marriage refers to Christ and the church. God embedded marriage in culture as a quiet pointer to the gospel. So, when we love our wives well, we point to Jesus. But also, when we love Jesus well, we love our wives better.
Closer to Jesus, Closer to My Wife
After two decades of marriage, I have noticed a pattern: when I am closer to Jesus, I am usually closer to my wife. Why is this? Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?:
“A marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”
This applies to pastors as much as anyone else. Yet, there are certain dangers inherent in our vocation. We may think that because we serve Jesus daily as part of our job, we are naturally close to Him. But one test of a man’s walk with Christ is how he treats his wife. This is not to say that if we are close to Jesus, we will always be close to our wives. The fact that you are a sinner married to a sinner in a world groaning under the curse means your marriage will have ups and downs. But making your relationship with Christ a priority is the start of finding the freedom and power to love your wife humbly and selflessly as Jesus loves us, no matter what is going on in your relationship or ministry.
Order Your Love Rightly
When you remember that Jesus is your first love (see Revelation 2:4-5), his love naturally overflows out of your life and into your wife. It’s not that loving Jesus and loving your wife are commands from God that are at odds with each other, it is that we can only love others rightly when we order our love rightly.
Jesus explained how loving God results in loving others: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39) Your wife is your closest neighbor, so Jesus’ words remind us of our priorities as shepherds of God’s people: love Jesus, love your wife, love your kids, and love others, including your church family and community.
Fellow pastors and ministry leaders, don’t forget that there is one time the Bible commands you to get drunk: “…Be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:19). God wants you to be drunk with love for your wife. This is best for you, her, your kids, and your church, and it glorifies God. Pursue her simply for the joy of pursuing her and because you love her. But don’t forget that you will love your wife better when you love Jesus. Root your pursuit of her in the fact that Christ has pursued you. Embracing this secret can be the secret to embracing a joy-filled marriage.
Rekindle your love for Jesus, and be in tune with his heart for reflecting the gospel in your marriage. Then your marriage will be like a fire that keeps you both warm and gives light to others.
He Must Become Greater 
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