Category: Biblical Counseling

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Pastors, Pursue Your Wife!

I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus on the Family.

The biblical call to pursue your wife

I have a confession to make. My wife is a faster runner than me. I used to run more regularly, and I ran a marathon in my twenties, so maybe that will change again at some point. But for now, when my wife and I go running together, she is always in front of me. It has become a metaphor for me: keep chasing your wife, Tim! 

Continuing to pursue your wife is good for your relationship. It is also commanded by God for every husband. In the longest passage on marriage in the New Testament, the apostle explains why every Christian husband has the life-long duty and joy of chasing after his wife’s heart, body, and soul: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself…” (Ephesians 5:25-26, 28, 32)

Christian husbands who are trying to please God in their marriages can never let their foot off the gas when pursuing their wives, because it is one of the ways they reflect the pursuing love of Jesus. When God speaks directly to husbands in Ephesians, the command is clear: keep loving your wife, not only for the sake of your relationship, but also because “…it refers to Christ and the church.” A husband who has been truly captivated by the love of Jesus must be an incurable romantic towards his wife.

How pastors can strengthen their marriage through daily pursuit

In many ways a pastor is called to be a godly husband like any other Christian man. But in other ways, God has higher expectations. How does this requirement of a godly husband uniquely apply to pastors? It is in our God-given job description. In the character requirements of a pastor or elder in 1 Timothy 3, we see this indispensable quality in the list: “…the husband of one wife.” (1 Timothy 3:2) As has been often said, this can be understood to mean “a one-woman man.” 

In other words, he has eyes for her only. Put another way, a pastor could quote the Song of Solomon to his wife and mean it from the bottom of his heart: “You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes…How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine…” (Song of Solomon 4:9-10)

Resisting distractions in the pursuit of your wife

But if we’re honest, we don’t always feel that way about our wives. We are, after all, ordinary men whom God has called to an extraordinary task. Apart from the work of the Spirit in our lives, we can have the same selfish tendencies as any other husband. But the solution is right there in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” I am convinced that God’s solution to a mediocre marriage is for the husband to consistently, lovingly, tenderly and yet vigorously pursue his wife.

To do what we know is best for our marriages, we have to consider why we have stopped doing the right thing in the first place. In Homer’s Odyssey, mythological Sirens were half-bird, half-woman creatures. They had beautiful voices that would hypnotize sailors, causing them to crash their boats upon the rocks. Their calls were irresistible. Odysseus, the hero, escaped the Siren’s song by tying himself to the mast of his ship. What are the siren calls in ministry that slowly veer us off course and could shipwreck our marriages? How can we tie ourselves to the mast of joyfully pursuing our wives and stay on course?

The siren call of busyness in ministry over marriage

Part of the struggle that we all experience as pastors is that our work is never done. There are always more meetings that could be held, more progress to be made in developing leaders, more people to disciple, more outreach that could be led, and more work that could be done on this Sunday’s sermon.

But the Lord calls us to be husbands first and pastors second. It’s not that being a husband and pastor are at odds with each other, but that our priorities have to be lined up with God’s priorities as seen in 1 Timothy 3:2. One day, we will retire from full-time vocational ministry. But we will never retire from strengthening our marriage as God calls us to do. Until you or your wife dies, God calls you to have your foot on the pedal of pursuing her — just as Jesus always pursues us.

We can listen to God’s call to joyfully strengthen our marriage instead of to the siren call of busyness in ministry by saying “no” or “wait” to what we can’t accomplish in a reasonable work week. 

Protect your time to strengthen your marriage

I used to push through even if it meant working an unhealthy amount of hours. God convicted me that my relationship with my wife needed to be a priority and that my kids would only be in my home for so long. I have learned the hard way that often I need to put things in my planner at the end of the work week. Some will need to wait until next week, so that I can say yes to the family God has given me. This includes making intentional time with my wife.

Pastoral ministry also gives the flexibility to enjoy small windows of time. I have found that taking advantage of those can make a big difference in marriage. In any given week I may need to go to an evening emergency counseling session. But I can also make sure that my day off includes time for my wife and that a busy week is followed by a slower one. 

One pastor that I was mentored by would go to lunch with his wife every Wednesday. That break in the workweek kept their relationship strong and reminded us all of rightly ordered priorities while she battled cancer and he pastored a busy church.  

The siren call of passivity in marriage

Being pastors does not mean that you and I are exempt from the pull to be passive in our marriages. I am astonished at how quickly I can be lulled yet again into passivity in my pursuit of my wife. I think about how beautiful she looks, but I don’t say it. Yet, I plan ahead for Elder and Deacon meetings, but I don’t plan out a date with her. 

Satan wants pastors to be passive in pursuing their wives. The devil hates it when pastors relentlessly ignore the siren call of passivity and laziness and chase their wive’s hearts. So think of fighting your natural passivity as spiritual warfare. Adam was silent while the deceiver spoke with his wife about the forbidden fruit. It turns out that all of these years later, we still can be passive in our marriages, leaving destruction behind. 

God helps you strengthen your marriage

But Jesus, the snake-crusher, can help us overcome these tendencies. We can put our wife’s needs above our own (Philippians 2:3). Look for ways to help her in the home even when you arrive home exhausted. We can pray with her regularly, even if prayer with her has been hard to fit in during other seasons. We can ask her what is going on in her heart and then listen, even when we are concerned about the latest crisis at the church. We can look for ways to include her in ministry rather than always doing ministry separately.

I have found that being realistic about our season of life in intentionally pursuing my wife has helped me long-term. With our family situation (five kids from toddlers to teenagers), an hour cuddling and talking on the couch might replace a weekly date night. But I can still fight passivity by occasionally planning a night out. I can also look for ways to get away for a few days without kids once a year. Ask God how he wants you to fight passivity in your own heart and situation, and pursue your wife.

Tie Yourself to the Mast of a Joyful Pursuit of Your Wife

Just as Odysseus tied himself to the mast of his ship to beat the sirens, part of God’s solution to pursuing your wife is by tying yourself to the mast of finding joy in your relationship with her. The Preacher in Ecclesiastes encourages husbands in this wise way of living, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love…” (Ecclesiastes 9:9a) That joy will continue to grow as your relationship continues to grow, day-by-day and year-by-year. 

It is possible to be a busy pastor who also makes time for his wife. It is possible to struggle with passivity in marriage even while you are a dynamic leader at church, and yet grow in fighting selfishness in your marriage. Not only is it possible, it is what God calls us to. Pastors who relentlessly pursue their wives can experience God’s smile on their marriage—and often their wife’s smile, too.

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Why Pastors and Their Wives Should Go On a Couples Retreat


I first published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus On The Family.

A few months before our 20th wedding anniversary, I was still trying to finalize what we would do to celebrate. Every anniversary is a reason to celebrate. But we try to get away together for at least the anniversaries that end with a “5” and a “0.” I had finally figured out a budget plan. I had someone willing to preach on the Sunday near our anniversary so we could be gone over a weekend. I had a childcare plan. We just needed to confirm the destination. As my wife and I discussed this, she told me that she wanted to go to a marriage retreat that several friends were going be attending the same weekend as our anniversary.

I wasn’t excited. We are in a busy season with five kids, and I wanted some uninterrupted time to reconnect with my wife. I wanted to have some fun together. As a pastor, I wasn’t sure that sitting in a conference room with hundreds of others, including many other pastors, was my idea of a 20th anniversary celebration. I even asked her if she thought our marriage was doing ok. She explained that she just thought it would be good for us and an encouraging time together while also seeing friends. I realized that my wife doesn’t ask for much, so I said yes and registered us. I’m so glad I did.

Three reasons to attend a couples retreat

1. To grow in your marriage together

I love studying the Bible and marriage enrichment books to help me with teaching and counseling. And I love writing about marriage. But I realized after my wife’s request that a lot of that is without her. She wanted to grow and learn also, and this was an opportunity to do so in our busy schedule. Attending a marriage retreat together means you are both thinking about marriage at the same time. This gives you discussion topics to help you grow and wins to celebrate together as you reflect on God’s grace in your marriage.

I also needed the humility to realize that I still have a lot to learn. I was encouraged, helped, rebuked, and challenged by the speakers and through discussions my wife and I had. Sometimes even as pastors we are afraid of what we might find out if we dig too deep into our own marriages. But until Heaven we are never finished growing as Christians. And we are never finished growing as husbands until Jesus returns or “death do us part.” Focused time thinking about your marriage and growing together may be just what you need. It can help you continue pressing into faithfulness and a deeper love for each other—one that better reflects the love Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5:25).

It may even be that the area of growth that God has for you is in having fun together! A job hazard for pastors is that we deal with so many serious issues with week in and week out. Getting away to focus on your spouse can bring some joy back into your marriage. My wife and I laughed, strolled a new (to us) downtown while holding hands, and enjoyed a slower pace, focusing on our relationship and not our kids.

2. To be an example to your church

What I didn’t expect when I announced to my church that my wife and I would be gone the following weekend as we attended a marriage retreat, was how excited they were that we were going. They were encouraged to see their pastor and his wife investing so intentionally in their marriage. Others in our church have gone to marriage retreats since. I didn’t realize that publicly sharing something my wife and I were doing to enrich our own marriage would have a domino effect, strengthening other marriages.

Remember that some people think that attending a marriage retreat (or even a marriage class) means you have serious problems. I will never forget the lady who told me they would not attend the marriage class we were holding during Sunday School. “We’re doing pretty good right now. Who knows what we would find if we dig too deep!”

A pastor and his wife attending a couples conference or retreat takes away any stigma that some still have toward marriage enrichment. We don’t want surface-deep oneness in the marriages in our church. We want living and breathing examples to the world, the church, and families that a marriage centered on Christ is rich, satisfying, and able to overcome any obstacles that come at it. You and your wife going on a marriage getaway might be the catalyst for transformation among couples in your church.

3. To see blind spots that you are missing

When I lived in the L.A. area, I would sometimes drive down the interstate and decide to pass a vehicle. But I would first do a quick “blind spot check,” looking over my shoulder. I lost count of how many times I missed a speedy car or motorcycle that was right in my blind spot just when I thought it was safe to change lanes. The reason your Driver’s Ed teacher drilled “blind spot checks” into you is because they keep you from crashing. They help you see what you couldn’t see otherwise.

One of the benefits of attending a couples retreat is that you will think about areas of your marriage that maybe you have not talked about for a long time or thought intentionally about recently. A marriage retreat is a “blind spot check” for your most important earthly relationship.

When was the last time that you and your wife had a good, deep discussion without defensiveness about areas of your marriage like communication, roles, responsibilities, forgiveness, financial decisions, sex, or leaving a legacy? The marriage retreat we attended opened up healthy dialogue in all of these areas. We left feeling closer to each other and more unified in our direction and goals in our marriage—more zeroed in on glorifying God with our marriage—because of these discussions that we sometimes don’t dive into in the midst of day-to-day life and responsibilities.

Conclusion

Pastor, no matter how long you have been married, you have blind spots. Let a marriage retreat create space for you to be poured into, so you can see and attend to those blind spots. Use a retreat to build a healthier marriage that the whole church can look up to.

If you are not convinced yet that you should go on a couples retreat, ask your wife what she thinks about going. It may be a way to bring back some unity in ministry together rather than you going to another pastor’s conference alone. It may bring some spark back into your marriage. You might even learn something new about each other.

My wife and I went to dinner before the first session of the couples conference we attended, and ordered calamari for our appetizer. I didn’t like the idea of fried squid, but I was sure I remembered that Melanie loved it from a dinner early in our marriage. Unbeknownst to me, Melanie thought I really wanted it since I do enjoy exotic foods, so she went along with it. While we were eating our appetizer, we both commented that we didn’t really like the texture. Then we were shocked as we discovered that neither of us really wanted calamari but were trying to do what the other wanted! Apparently, we needed the communication workshop that weekend. Maybe you do too.

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Jesus, Perfect Image of Life

This week I am sharing a daily devotional each morning that I originally wrote for Lifeway’s “Open Windows” devotional guide. I hope you are encouraged in your faith by these short meditations!

1 John 4:9, “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him.”

Do you ever struggle to feel that God’s love is for you? Do you ever wonder if God is paying attention when bad things happen? Then you are human. Fighting to believe God’s love for us is part of the walk of faith that will continue until our pilgrimage to heaven is complete. It is in those moments and seasons of difficulty or doubt that the best thing for us is to look to Jesus and what He did on the cross.

“Magic Eye” pictures were all the rage in the ’90s. If you looked at a colorful design with the right squint of eye, a picture would practically pop out at you. A bunch of random geometric patterns would suddenly look like a 3D completed image. Looking at Jesus as we go through life is a little bit like that. We may not understand everything about life and God’s purpose for us now, but we will see a fuller, richer picture of life when Jesus is in view.

How was the love of God manifested to us? “God sent His only begotten Son into the world.” The greatest demonstration of God’s love is that He sent Jesus into a world that would neither recognize Him nor accept Him as the Redeemer. Still, God sent Jesus–for you.

Father, when I question Your love, point my eyes to Your only begotten Son.

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To Know and to Believe

This week I am sharing a daily devotional each morning that I originally wrote for Lifeway’s “Open Windows” devotional guide. I hope you are encouraged in your faith by these short meditations!

1 John 4:16, “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”

It is one thing to know a fact, but it’s another thing entirely to believe that fact. I may know that exercise is good for me in an intellectual way. But when I get outside and go for a run, I show that I believe that exercise is good for me. Knowing I should run usually keeps me on the couch. Believing I should run has helped me to finish a marathon.

This distinction is especially important in love. A wife may know that her husband loves her because of his marriage covenant with her, but she believes it when she sees him sacrificing for her. A child may know that his mother loves him, but he believes it when she hugs him after he falls down. It’s important to know that you are married or who your mom is. Knowledge brings crucial assurance of our relationships. But believing that those relationships are good for you is necessary to feel love.

John wants the readers of 1 John to both know and believe the love that God has for them. The gospel tells us that God is love, but putting our faith in Jesus means that we believe His love is for us. Know it. Believe it. Feel it. God loves you.

Father, looking to the cross changes me. Help me to both know and believe Your great love for me.

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No Need to Change the Past

This week I am sharing a daily devotional each morning that I originally wrote for Lifeway’s “Open Windows” devotional guide. I hope you are encouraged in your faith by these short meditations!

1 Corinthians 15:8, “Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me.”

The other day I came across some pictures of my daughter when she was about 6 years old, and I found myself wishing that I could hear her little girl voice and see her play dress-up again. We all have times when we wish we could relive something, stepping back in time.

Yet at other times, we wish we could roll back the clock to undo something we have done. If only we could not do that sinful action that hurt so many we care about.

The apostle Paul likely wished for both at times. On the one hand, he wished he could roll back the clock and be there when Jesus appeared to the other apostles. Yet he also wished that he could go back in time and not persecute the church. But neither was possible. And neither was needed. Paul knew he couldn’t time travel to be one of the Twelve who walked with Jesus. He also knew he couldn’t change his actions of persecuting the church before knowing Jesus. Yet the words of 1 Corinthians 15:8, in the context of the great resurrection chapter, give us hope.

The cross and resurrection don’t change the past, but they do change today and our forever. Because of the gospel, I can move forward in hope.

Father, I glorify You. Your gospel gives me forgiveness for my past and new mercies for today and tomorrow.

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Three Ways to Minister to a Family Who Has Had a Miscarriage

Note from Tim: I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor.

We were overjoyed when my wife first showed me the positive pregnancy test. Ecstatic. It was hard to believe that in 7 1/2 short months, we would be holding our baby. Since I was a pastor several states away from family, we wanted to make this announcement really special. That Friday, we bought the books What Grandparents Do Best and What Aunts and Uncles Do Best to send in the mail. We planned to write notes over the weekend to accompany the books so they would be ready to mail on Monday. But Saturday morning, we were in the E.R. We were having a miscarriage.

What would you say if you received a call from a grieving husband like me? How would you help him and his wife as they went through this time?

 Miscarriage is a difficult situation for many reasons. The pain is deep, and especially when a couple has not announced the pregnancy, they may conceal that pain. However, as a pastor or church leader, if you hear of a couple in your church that has had a miscarriage, God has given you that knowledge so you can share and show His grace to that couple. Here are three ways you can meet them with hope.

1) Acknowledge it as a death and loss.

As pro-life people, we acknowledge that every human life has value and dignity (Psalm 139). We can be strong on abortion being wrong, and that is a good thing. But we need to also be strong in acknowledging that what we know to be true about human life in the womb means that a miscarriage is a loss of human life. 

Because a miscarriage is earlier on in pregnancy than a stillbirth, sometimes others do not even know that the couple was expecting.1 Many parents who experience a miscarriage suffer silently, and when they do open up about a miscarriage, they need comfort and acknowledgment of this loss. Ignoring it hurts. Moving toward them in a phone call or setting up a time to meet if they would like can mean the world as they deal with the grief of shattered expectations and hopes for that new life. It is important to involve your wife in these conversations as it is also an opportunity for her to minister. When that is not possible, it is helpful to get permission to share it with a trusted woman or two in the church who will reach out to the mother so she has other Christian women to talk with about her loss.

Simply praying with them may be the pastoral care they need during that season. If the pregnancy was widely known or if they are very open about the miscarriage, it may even be appropriate to ask them if they would like it shared on the church prayer list or e-mail so that others in the local body can pray for them. Acknowledging a miscarriage as a reason for grief can in itself bring healing.

2) Counsel them from the Word.

All pastors and church leaders need to be ready to answer the question, “Is my baby in heaven?” Too many believe we need to be agnostic regarding this question. In other words, they believe it may be true that God saves babies. They say the attributes of God point us in that direction, but they believe Scripture is silent on the issue. I believe God is clear in Scripture that He welcomes into heaven every baby who dies, born or unborn. I believe this for four main reasons.

First, consider God’s view of children (Ezekiel 16:21; Jonah 4:11; Jeremiah 19:4; Isaiah 7:15-16). God claims ownership over all babies whom He calls “innocents,” even those of pagan nations. Second, consider Jesus’s love for children (Mark 10:13-16; Luke 18:15-17; Matthew 19:13-15). There is no other instance in Scripture of Jesus specifically blessing those destined for hell. Third, consider King David’s belief (2 Samuel 12:22-23). David was comforted with much more than the thought that he would join his infant son in the grave someday—he expected that he would see him again! Fourth, consider theological reasons. Scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Ephesians 5:5, and Revelation 20:12-13show that we are saved by grace but condemned by works. Whenever Scripture describes those who will inhabit hell, the emphasis is on their willful sin and rebellion against God. I agree with Spurgeon, who preached: “We hold that all infants [who die] are elect of God are therefore saved, and we look to this as being the means by which Christ shall see of the travail of His soul to a great degree, and we do sometimes hope that thus the multitude of the saved shall be made to exceed the multitude of the lost.”2

I have written more on this topic elsewhere, but John MacArthur’s book Safe in the Arms of God extensively dives into this crucial topic. When I wrote a seminary paper on the eternal destiny of babies, I found that previous generations who dealt with higher infant death rates often wrote about this more. But all pastors need to dive deeply into this at some point. It is not theoretical. It is a pressing pastoral issue when a miscarriage happens or when a baby dies.

Even a pastor who is unsure of his theology in this area needs to be prepared with some encouragement from the Word for parents grieving a miscarriage because the Holy Spirit brings healing through the Word of God.

3) Offer practical help from the church if needed.

As you minister to the family, see if there are practical ways the church can help and come alongside them in their grief. Of course, the needs will vary with the situation, but asking about the need for meals or other help during recovery time can go a long way. My wife and I both remember feeling the love and help of the body of Christ as some meals were brought to us after our first miscarriage and again in another church years later as a second miscarriage included medical complications. Knowing that we were loved and not alone brought great comfort.

It is a good pastoral practice to follow up with a couple in the months following the miscarriage, even if that starts with a quick check-in. They might be dealing with other situations later, such as infertility, depression, or needing encouragement in their marriage. I have never regretted checking in on a couple a month or two after a miscarriage, but I have regretted not checking in on them. 

Christ always cares for His sheep, and while we are not Christ, we can reflect him when we show special care to those who are suffering the unique hurts a miscarriage brings. Through faithful pastors and churches, hurting couples can experience the healing and hope that Christ brings.

  1. While this article focuses on miscarriage, couples who face stillbirths will need much of the same ministry and perhaps even more support. The CDC defines the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth: “a miscarriage is usually defined as loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, and a stillbirth is loss of a baby at or after 20 weeks of pregnancy.” https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html ↩︎
  2. Spurgeon, Expositions of the Doctrines of Grace. ↩︎
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The Gratitude Revolution Every Pastor Needs

I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor.

Leaf season just ended here in Vermont. The thousands of “leaf peepers” who inundate our little town for a month and a half every autumn are gone. People are no longer stopping in the middle of the road to jump out of their cars and snap the perfect photo of fall splendor. But traffic annoyances in our sleepy town aside, I thank God for leaf peepers because they remind me to look for the glory around us. Fresh eyes looking at our green mountains turned orange, red, and gold see things familiar eyes may miss. Similarly, cultivating a heart of gratitude for what God is doing in our churches helps us see our churches in new ways. Giving thanks opens our eyes to see glory again.

Being intentionally thankful in ministry has too often not been my default attitude

It is easy for me to focus on the difficult parts of pastoral ministry, the problems in the church, and the difficult church members. It takes an act of the Spirit and me yielding to the Spirit to have a reflex of gratitude. Problems are often in our faces as pastors, and we can be utterly blind at times to what we should be thankful for in our churches. Yet we learn from the Apostle Paul’s pattern that gratitude for our churches and thanksgiving to God for specific church members will give us new lenses through which to view our churches. This attitude can be revolutionary in our view of ministry as we follow Paul’s example.

Colossians 1:3-5 is a paradigm for pastors that can change our default from grumbling to gratitude. “We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love that you have for all the saints, because of the hope laid up for you in heaven…” (Colossians 1:3-5a). First, Paul says he always thanks God for the Colossian church when he prays for them.

Do you thank God persistently and specifically for what He does in people’s lives?

Look at how specific he is. In these three verses, Paul gives thanks for their faith, he gives thanks for their love for the saints, and he gives thanks for how they are growing in their understanding of and appropriation of the gospel. Paul sees the salvation and sanctification of the Colossian believers as a direct work of the Holy Spirit (Colossians 1:8), so he thanks God for His work in them.

Fellow Pastors, do you give thanks specifically for the work God is doing in people’s lives?

Do you give thanks for the kids and teens growing in their faith? Do you give thanks for the marriages that reflect the love of Christ better than they used to? Do you give thanks by name for the seniors in your church?

If I don’t purposefully stop and give thanks for the work I see God doing in or through specific people, I am missing out on an opportunity to worship the God who is at work. Many people give thanks this time of year, but part of how gratitude becomes Christian thanksgiving is when we express it to God.

We’re not talking about a secular optimism that tries hard to see the world through rose-colored glasses but ignores significant difficulties or issues it needs to deal with. Rather, the apostolic example for us as pastors is that because of who God is, and because of what God indeed does, we have reasons to give thanks.

Most of the beginning of Paul’s epistles start with him giving thanks for the church he writes to (Romans 1:8, 1 Corinthians 1:4, Ephesians 1:15-16, Philippians 1:3-5, 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3, 2 Thessalonians 1:3, 2 Timothy 1:3, Philemon 4-5). Notice the pattern. Paul thanks God for them and then tells them. It’s like “gratitude dynamite” when we thank God for somebody and then tell them so. It helps them to see the miracle of Almighty God at work in them.

The thanksgiving for the church in Corinth sticks out as a way to give thanks no matter what is going on in ministry at any moment. In all the other passages, Paul thanks God for something specific. But when he writes to the church in Corinth with all their problems, he thanks God for His grace in them. He’s unsure what to thank God for in that church, so he thanks God for His grace in their lives.

Paul shows us that we can thank God for what He is doing in our churches now rather than waiting to thank Him if they become more of what we want them to be. It is an act of worship to thank God for what I see Him doing now, even in the difficult seasons of ministry.

Don’t let pastoral ministry harden you

In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Eustace becomes a dragon. It takes the painful and persistent clawing of the Christ figure, Aslan the lion, to remove Eustace’s scaly, hard dragon skin so that Eustace can be a soft-skinned boy again.

It could be that you are like me. At times, the relentlessness of issues in pastoral ministry can harden you. Problems may be blinding you to blessings. One of the only ways I have found not to let the stress harden me is to continually pursue a heart of gratitude. When I am not thanking God for His work in people’s lives, my church, and my family’s lives, I begin to look more like a dragon than a pastor. But a miracle happens when I pursue gratitude, especially when I continually thank God in prayer for what He is doing. I become soft toward God again, excited about what He is doing in my church. Gratitude is the tool Jesus often uses to painfully help me to shed my scales and enjoy doing again what He has created me to do: glorify him, be a normal person (not a crusty pastor), and use my gifts to shepherd others well.

Sometimes, in the act of thanksgiving, God gives us new eyes. God sees everything, and when we obey God in praying with thankful hearts, sometimes He will show us something else He is doing that we couldn’t see before we gave thanks. Gratitude begets gratitude. Thanksgiving turns into prayer, which turns into praise, even when I don’t feel thankful.

It could be that a gratitude revolution is what you need. According to the pattern in the epistles, it is what we all need.

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The Missing Ingredient in Too Many Marriages: Joy

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared at Focus on the Family’s The Focused Pastor. You will regularly see articles I have written for The Focused Pastor here. However, I will continue to write articles for both pastors and all Christians. If you are not a pastor but you find this helpful, please pass it on to your pastor! Also, the biblical marriage principles about joy in marriage apply to all marriages.

Like cupcakes missing sugar, too many Christian marriages are missing a key ingredient. Just because a marriage is missing this ingredient doesn’t mean it’s not a marriage, just as a cupcake missing sugar doesn’t mean it’s not a cupcake. But neither “tastes” good. 

When we realize that what is at stake is not a bad batch of baked goods but potentially a poor reflection of the gospel through our marriage relationship, we will do all we can to put the ingredient of joy back into our marriages. Many Christian marriages, including ministry marriages, would be sweet again if husbands took the lead in loving their wives joyfully.

My wife is usually pretty positive with me, but one evening, she looked at me and said, “Did you know you’re pretty grumpy most of the time right now?” That knocked me a little off-kilter. She knew things had been stressful at church. She had been supportive and prayerful with me. But after I stopped defending myself in my mind and started to think about what she had the courage to point out, I asked her more about it and realized that she was right. I was getting so consumed with trying to stay on top of pastoral ministry while dealing with multiple fronts during a difficult season in our church that it was negatively affecting my parenting—and our marriage.

I had to ask for forgiveness and start to make changes. Nothing was immediate, but choice by choice, joy began to seep back into our marriage and family. 

As I evaluated what happened, I realized that in trying to be Jesus for my church, I had not loved my wife like Jesus loves the church. Ephesians 5:25 is loud and clear on our calling: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” 

Love to Love Your Wife

One specific way that Christ loved the church, a way that God calls us to echo his love in our marriages, is that Jesus loved the church joyfully. He loves to love us. Do we love to love our wives?

Jesus doesn’t just put up with the church. He receives joy by giving us joy (Hebrews 12:2). Jesus doesn’t love the church grudgingly but persistently. He joyfully and persistently loves us. Jesus’ love doesn’t change based on our relationship with him on any given day. 

When wives know that their husbands love to love them, there is a security in marriage that develops and strengthens over years. This security frees a wife to be an even greater blessing to others. Also, when we love our wives so joyfully that it’s obvious to her and others, a sweetness develops. When a pastor and wife exude this sweetness to their church and others through the genuine joy in their marriage, their marriage “smells” like the gospel. A joyful marriage covenant points to the New Covenant.

Cultivating Joy

Here are four ways to cultivate more consistent joy in your marriage as you strive to reflect Christ in the love you have for your wife.

1. Spend intentional time together.

Jesus delights to be with his bride. Yet, I am shocked at how quickly I can coast in marriage. The demands of ministry, bills, raising children, home repair, and just making it through each day can mean that I look up and we haven’t had enough intentional time together. We have found that a weekly date night is unrealistic in this season of five kids, including toddlers and teenagers. But we can still purposefully set aside one night or more a week to cuddle on the couch together while we watch a movie or talk. And we can still intentionally carve out times that we go out together without kids, both for a few hours and occasionally for a few days. 

Are you as intentional to spend time with your wife as you are to follow up on shepherding issues at church?

2. Talk about what God is teaching you.

Joy ultimately comes from Jesus (Luke 2:10, Matthew 28:8, 1 Peter 1:8, 1 John 1:4). When you invest personally in your relationship with Jesus, true joy will seep into your marriage. I have found that when we talk about what God is teaching us, whether spontaneously or as an intentional question, it encourages each other’s walks with the Lord and begins to spill over into our marriage relationship. Pastors, God is teaching you in the Word every week. Share some of that with your wife, not as an additional sermon but out of the joy of knowing Jesus. 

3. Act like Jesus is King.

One of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever heard from another pastor is to talk about church matters as appropriate or needed with your wife for just a little bit when you get home. Then pray together about it before moving on with the evening if there’s a pressing issue, but act like Jesus is king. It is easy to bring things up again and just go around and around about ministry. That is okay to a degree if it helps you serve others together, but at some point, you need to have discussions that are not ministry-related, especially if the issues are stressful. Give it to Jesus, and let it go for the evening (Matthew 6:34).

4. Serve together in some way.

Serving as a pastor does not mean I am automatically serving Jesus with my wife. It can be okay to serve in different areas of the church or family life, depending on the season of life and giftedness. After all, she is not a pastor because she is married to you. But I have found that doing some ministry purposefully together has been helpful. For us, that has been as varied as visitation, foster care, planning an outreach together, or being on the worship team together. Serving together purposefully can bring joy to your marriage, reminding you that God brought you together to glorify him.

Brothers, does your wife not only know that you love her but know that you love to love her, as your Savior does? The marriage of A.W. Tozer leaves us with a somber warning. In his book I Still Do, Dave Harvey recounts: “Tozer was a spiritual giant—a man of spectacular faith, incredible insight, and compelling godliness. But Tozer neglected his wife, Ada, and their family in some pretty stunning ways…After Tozer’s death, Ada remarried a man named Leonard Odam. Dorsett [Tozer’s biographer] writes of a poignant moment when Ada was asked to describe her life with her new husband. ‘I have never been happier in my life,’ Ada observed. ‘Aiden [Tozer] loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me.’”[1]

Brothers, we can love both Jesus and our wives well. We are called to love both. A marriage that “smells” like the gospel will have one often-overlooked ingredient: joy.

[1] Dave Harvey, I Still Do (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2020), p. 193.

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Pastoral Weakness and The Power of Christ

Note from Tim: This article was originally published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor.” These ideas came from a talk I gave at Small Town Summits in Vermont, Rhode Island & Connecticut.

I didn’t plan to write a sermon on the power of Christ in weakness with a fever. Yet that is where I found myself this spring, preparing a sermon on 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. Day in and day out that week, I would try to write that sermon and do other ministry I had planned. Day after day, my physical and mental weakness frustrated my plans. Many more than three times, I pleaded with the Lord to deliver me and take the sickness away. Here’s what I kept hearing as I opened God’s Word to prepare to preach: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I have had a fairly healthy last several months, but a fever this morning has peaked as I write this. God wants me to learn again that the power of Christ will rest on me in my weakness. Sometimes God says no to our prayers to work out his purpose, which is greater than we could ever see on this side of Heaven.

For you, it may be much more serious than a fever. It has been a challenging year for me with various trials, but nothing as serious or life-threatening as cancer as some of my church members and a pastor friend are dealing with. Whatever weakness you are struggling with personally or in pastoral ministry, 2 Corinthians 12 teaches us that the power of Christ rests upon us in our suffering.

A personal pastoral weakness

Second Corinthians is a highly personal letter. Paul is writing to a church he had spent at least 18 months planting and establishing. He knew these people. He loved these people. He had shared God’s Word and the gospel with them. Yet false teachers, whom Paul sometimes called “super-apostles” in a tongue-in-cheek way in this letter (2 Corinthians 11:5-6), had come in and brought false teaching. They received an audience from the Corinthian church by discrediting Paul as an apostle, but not in the way we might expect. It was through personal attacks like making fun of his appearance or saying, “He’s so tough in his letters, but wait until you meet him in person.” (See this idea in 2 Corinthians 10:10)

We need to put ourselves in Paul’s shoes to realize how personally difficult it would be not only to have someone in our church giving us a hard time, as we’ve all experienced, but even making fun of us. Yet to make matters worse, it seems that part of what the “super-apostles” were using to discredit Paul is that he had so many weaknesses. As you read 2 Corinthians, you can almost hear them taunting, “If Paul is a true Apostle, then why does he have so many difficulties?”

The power of Christ tabernacles with us in our weakness

Yet Paul found that his “thorn in the flesh,” as difficult as it was and as much as it was a messenger of Satan (2 Corinthians 12:7), was being used by God to keep him from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the spiritual revelations he had received. The word “thorn” in 2 Corinthians 12:7 is strong—it can mean a stake. His revelations and visions threatened to puff him up, so God sent a thorn to burst his bubble and make him humble.

Brothers, here is the hard but important truth we will sometimes experience in ministry: God is more concerned with our character and spiritual growth than our comfort. The discomfort is often how he meets us. Paul explains in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9a, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…”

Sometimes God chooses not to deliver us from the trial but through the trial. And here’s the beautiful thing that can’t be missed—in our weakness, the power of Christ rests upon us in a way that we would not experience if we were not in that trial.

When Paul writes at the end of 2 Corinthians 12:9, “…Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” there is an important phrase used. “Rest upon me” at the end of verse 9 is the vocabulary of the Tabernacle, from the time when God pitched his tent with his people (Exodus 40:34). It is also the language used of Jesus when “the word became flesh and dwelt among us.” (John 1:14) Jesus tabernacled among us when he came to earth, just as the glory of the LORD tabernacled with his people through the Tabernacle and later the Temple.

The breathtaking truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9 is that the all-powerful Christ “pitches his tent” with his people in their weakness. He rests upon you in his strength when you are weak. Your pastoral weakness is where Jesus pitches his tent with you.

Do you not know what to say to that difficult theological question? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Do you not know what to do or say when a family in your church goes through tragedy? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Do you feel weary in ministry, wondering if you can continue to handle the pressure? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Are you or someone in your family battling an illness? The power of Christ pitches his tent with you in your weakness.

Whatever you may be facing today that shows your weakness in pastoral ministry, it is an opportunity to experience Christ resting upon you. The only requirement is that you are weak because Jesus is strong!

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The Transforming Power of Hopeful Love in Marriage

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the July 2023 edition of Lifeway’s HomeLife magazine under the title, “Love That Hopes: It May Be as Simple as Keeping Your Wedding Vows.”

Photo by Geoffroy Hauwen on Unsplash

Seminary was hard for me. I worked full-time and didn’t sleep enough, given the graduate studies and babies at home. Although I excelled in some classes, the distractions of work and exhaustion of the pace of life for that season made subjects that were more difficult for me, like Hebrew, even harder. But the hardest homework I ever had was in one of my last classes, The Pastor’s Home.

I had to rate myself and my wife on a scale of 1-10 for each of the attributes of true love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. The idea was to put my name in place of the word “love,” and then my wife’s name: Tim is patient. Tim is kind. Tim bears all things. Tim hopes all things.

My wife, Melanie, had to rate me as well. She was gracious but honest in her ratings for that homework assignment. The one that hurt the most was a low rating on: Tim hopes all things.

My absence and rough edges had stacked up during those four and a half years of grinding through school.

My professor explained to us that in this category, he wanted us to rate each other on whether our spouse looked for the best in us and looked for what God was doing in our life. I was shocked at the low rating, but at that point in our marital growth, I learned to listen more when my wife shared openly. It was homework that hurt but helped. I needed to hear that I had too often been harsh and impatient as she grew into being a stay-at-home mom while I was selling cell phones and parsing Greek verbs.

Hopeful Love

Looking back at some of my words and attitudes during that season, I feel sick about them. God clearly showed me through that painful and helpful homework that I needed to grow in “hoping all things” and reflecting the patient love of Christ better to my wife. She had been so patient with me. Even more, Jesus had been patient with me. I needed to be more loving towards her by “hoping all things.” How often would your husband or wife say that your love for him or her “hopes all things” as true love does, based on 1 Corinthians 13:7? What we need in our marriages is the hopeful love of Jesus.

The essence of hopeful love is that God isn’t done with us yet. This requires faith. It’s essentially the same faith that believes God’s promises of the gospel for yourself. In a love that hopes, you’re simply bending the promises of the gospel out onto your spouse, finding hope in the fact that the same Holy Spirit at work in your life is at work in his or her life as well. Jesus has promised he will continue the work he has begun in you—and in your spouse. This means there is always a reason for hope in marriage. Hopeful love isn’t only a manufacturer of hope, it is also an engine of change. Hopeful love can change the trajectory of your marriage.

When Jesus looks at you, He sees you as already sanctified (made holy). When Jesus looks at your believing spouse, He sees him or her as already sanctified. This hope is anchored in the power and promise of the gospel. The apostle Paul writes to believers, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11). Paul was writing to upstanding model Christians who had never had marriage problems, right? Wrong—he was writing to the Corinthian church. They were a mess. They were far from maturity in Christ. At the beginning of the same chapter, he was addressing how some of them were suing each other. The church needed to apply the gospel to the current mess and the messy past.

Before coming to know Christ, some of them had been sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, people living in homosexuality, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, and swindlers (see 1 Cor. 6:9-10). Talk about baggage brought into a marriage! But in Christ, he doesn’t say they will be forgiven and changed someday. He declares on the blood of Jesus, “And such were some of you!” (1 Cor. 6:11a). 

Every married couple needs hope. They need to know that Jesus doesn’t only see us as made holy in the future. With the ultimate eyes of faith, our Savior sees us as sanctified today because of the radical spiritual reality of the gospel: “…But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11b).

Radical Grace

Part of what God calls us to as husbands and wives is to see our spouses with the eyes of Christ; not for who they are in their sin, but for who they are with their new identity in Christ and for who God is making them to be.

In fact, Jesus sees your spouse not only as already sanctified, but also as already glorified—in his or her glorious, perfect state in heaven (Rom. 8:30)! If this sounds too good to be true for a spouse who sometimes says thoughtless things, then you’re starting to understand the gospel. It is radical grace. Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does: Riddled with shortcomings (as you are too), but with the potential to live more like Jesus in the days to come and with the promise of being perfect one day in heaven. 

Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does.

If you’re married to an unbeliever, God has called you to trust that He is at work in your spouse’s life, and part of that work is being married to you. The Holy Spirit powerfully reminds you: “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:16) Continue to pray for your unbelieving spouse and continue to love your spouse like Jesus, day by day. Although the promises of the gospel–including Jesus seeing your spouse as already sanctified–don’t apply until your spouse bows his or her heart to Jesus as Lord and Savior, you still honor God and can know that you’re doing all you can to improve your marriage when you pour out the grace of Jesus. When you look for evidence of growth that affects your marriage positively, you’re reflecting the love of Jesus.

Do you see the good things that God is doing in your spouse? Do you see and appreciate or mention the best in him or her now? Write down a few things you’ve noticed recently that God is doing in your spouse’s life and make a plan to tell him or her. It could be a direct way for you to point to the reality of Christ’s active work and to express hopeful love.

Transforming Love

After that difficult homework assignment, I made it my goal to grow specifically in “hopeful love.” I tried to find ways to help my wife to shine. I made sure we had time for her to have opportunities to serve at church that were life-giving for her. I gifted her with an art class because I knew that she is artistic but rarely has an opportunity to enjoy making art. I prayed more specifically for her growth rather than brooding. I tried to always remember that Jesus is patient with me, and Melanie is patient with me—so I need to do the same. Over the years, hopeful love has done its transforming work. Melanie has told me that she now feels (most of the time) that I see the best in her. And the reality is, as this has become a habit, I do.             

Hopeful love has transformed our marriage. We’re now both more patient with each other. And yet, it’s not a patience that is always longing for change, in the sense of, “I will be happy once my spouse acts this way.” Rather, it is a sense of patience that says, “I love you just the way you are. And yet, I also delight in how God is changing you. I can’t believe that out of the billions of people in the world, He gave me the privilege of having a front-row seat to His work in your life.”

Hopeful love not only transforms marriage, but it also makes it sweet.

For further reflection. Showing the hopeful love of Jesus to your spouse means:

·       You can be hopeful with conflict: You can believe that you won’t always fight often.
·       You can be hopeful with communication: You can learn to communicate in healthier, more godly patterns. 
·       You can be hopeful with finances: You can work together better and grow in managing and spending your finances. 
·       You can be hopeful with sex: You can still grow and learn together. 
·       You can be hopeful with parenting: As you make an effort to grow in godly parenting, God can use that desire to have an impact on your husband or wife and ultimately on your kids. 
·       You can be hopeful even in sickness: God can heal and God can carry. 
 
In short, hopeful love means that you can keep your vows: “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…” The very act of making wedding vows is an act of hopeful love. Keeping those vows means continuing that hopeful love, day after day.
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