Tag: Biblical Counseling

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Because Jesus Sits, I Can Stand

This article was originally published at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus on the Family.

I vividly remember one of the lowest moments of my life. I was standing in a bathroom stall, breathing into a paper bag, and crying out inaudibly, “Jesus, help me.” I could hear my fellow seminary students light-heartedly laughing and visiting as they came in and out of the bathroom. The excitement of a new school year, a new opportunity to study God’s Word, buzzed even in the bathroom. But I was locked in a stall, breathing into a paper bag. It was the only way I could get my breathing under control again, recommended by my doctor, as mild panic attacks would strike at the most inconvenient times.

Other than death or divorce, my wife and I had experienced every major stressor in life in the weeks leading up to those moments. We had moved a thousand miles away from a loving home church and fruitful ministry into a sprawling metropolis where we knew nobody. Just before moving, we had lost most of the savings we had scraped together due to a major car repair. I had looked for work for months, only to have all my leads fall through just as we moved. Our first child was due in a few months. I ended up in the ER, unable to breathe normally, and to my surprise, they explained it was from a panic attack.

When they would hit, I would cry out to God, running to Jesus for help. I knew He was alive and active in heaven today, interceding for me. I knew that he could hear my cries and that he could actively help me. I couldn’t articulate it this way at the time, but I knew I could stand because Jesus was seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Pastoral ministry often means being in the middle of a crisis, leaving a crisis, or heading into a crisis. I don’t know what stressors you have been through recently, but I know this: because Jesus sits, you can stand.

The book of Hebrews puts great emphasis on Jesus being seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Five times, we read that he is seated, and five times, we find a reason that we can stand in both life and ministry.

I Can Stand Because the One Who Holds the Universe Together is the One Who Died for My Sins

We usually think too little of Jesus. But Hebrews reminds us of his preeminence: “He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high…” (Hebrews 1:3)

One of the great struggles I had when panic attacks first became a problem for me was guilt. I felt like I was letting God down by giving in to anxiety—and this only added to my anxiety. I would break down in tears: “I feel like I’m failing God.” I realized that instead of making my success in waging war against anxiety a marker of my relationship with God, I could run to Jesus for refuge.

Jesus is not only all-powerful but also all-loving towards those who belong to him.

I Can Stand Because Jesus’ Enemies Are My Enemies–And They Are All Defeated

God is defeating all of Jesus’ enemies, as prophesied in Psalm 110:1: “And to which of the angels has he ever said, ‘Sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet’?” (Hebrews 1:13) When I realize that all of Jesus’ enemies are my true enemies and that they are all defeated, this brings great comfort to my soul and peace to my mind and heart.

My biggest enemies—Satan, sin, and death—are all subjugated to my Lord, and that helps me to stand today. Just four months after being diagnosed with panic attacks, our first son was born—and complications kept my wife in the hospital for ten days. There was one moment when they wheeled her out for some urgent tests. I looked back in the hospital room and saw my mother holding our five-day-old son, and looked ahead and saw my unconscious wife. Fear gripped my heart. But anxiety did not, because I remembered that Jesus our Shepherd had walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come out a victor on the other side.

I Can Stand Because the Only One Who Can Bring Me to God Does So 24/7

Our final high priest will never die and never retire: “…he holds his priesthood permanently, because he continues forever. Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.” (Hebrews 7:24-25) Jesus lives to bring you to God all day, every day. “Now the point in what we are saying is this: we have such a high priest, one who is seated at the right hand of the throne of the Majesty in heaven.” (Hebrews 8:1)

Anxiety’s twin, depression, visited me briefly about one year later. I remember one especially emotionally painful walk at the park with my wife and little son. I was trying to explain to my wife how the darkness would sometimes just come over me when I suddenly felt paralyzed by fear. I wanted to be “normal” again. When would I come out of this valley? All I could articulate as we circled the walking path was that I knew God was holding onto me—but I didn’t feel it.

Even when the darkness visits us, even when we can’t explain it, even when we don’t know when it will end, we can rely on the fact that the Father always answers Jesus’ prayers and that Jesus is talking to the Father about our struggles today.

I Can Stand Because No Other Sacrifice Is Needed to Make Me Right with God

“And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God…” (Hebrews 10:11-12)

Jesus being both my final sacrifice and also my final mediator before God is a fact that has continued to help me in my battle with anxiety, almost two decades into pastoring. There have been times in ministry when the stress of conflict in the church has been overwhelming, and I have begun to feel shortness of breath again.

At this point, I have learned to pick up the weapons of the Word of God and prayer. Sometimes, I will ask my wife to pray for me. Many a night I have finally fallen asleep after the sharp sword thrust of a Psalm and a simple prayer defeated the warring thoughts in my head: “I believe—help my unbelief!”

This direct access to the Throne of God and this lifeline of God’s peace is possible only because my mediator is also my sacrifice. This truth also reminds me that I am not God. I am only human, and physical disciplines like exercise and rest help all humans—including pastors—deal with stress in a healthier way.

I Can Stand–and Continue to Stand–Because of Jesus’ Endurance for Me

I can endure (Hebrews 12:1) because Jesus endured the cross (Hebrews 12:2). “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus…who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Because Jesus sits, I can stand—and keep standing—facing each day, knowing he is mine. Whatever happens in pastoral ministry, you have a Savior who sits in triumph for you.

Your Savior and Shepherd hear you when you cry out, “Jesus help me!” It doesn’t matter if it is from a seminary bathroom during a panic attack, your office as you slog through the day, during an especially thorny counseling session or conflict, or your bedroom when you can’t sleep at night because of everything on your mind.

Because Jesus sits, you can stand.

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The Transforming Power of Hopeful Love in Marriage

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the July 2023 edition of Lifeway’s HomeLife magazine under the title, “Love That Hopes: It May Be as Simple as Keeping Your Wedding Vows.”

Photo by Geoffroy Hauwen on Unsplash

Seminary was hard for me. I worked full-time and didn’t sleep enough, given the graduate studies and babies at home. Although I excelled in some classes, the distractions of work and exhaustion of the pace of life for that season made subjects that were more difficult for me, like Hebrew, even harder. But the hardest homework I ever had was in one of my last classes, The Pastor’s Home.

I had to rate myself and my wife on a scale of 1-10 for each of the attributes of true love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. The idea was to put my name in place of the word “love,” and then my wife’s name: Tim is patient. Tim is kind. Tim bears all things. Tim hopes all things.

My wife, Melanie, had to rate me as well. She was gracious but honest in her ratings for that homework assignment. The one that hurt the most was a low rating on: Tim hopes all things.

My absence and rough edges had stacked up during those four and a half years of grinding through school.

My professor explained to us that in this category, he wanted us to rate each other on whether our spouse looked for the best in us and looked for what God was doing in our life. I was shocked at the low rating, but at that point in our marital growth, I learned to listen more when my wife shared openly. It was homework that hurt but helped. I needed to hear that I had too often been harsh and impatient as she grew into being a stay-at-home mom while I was selling cell phones and parsing Greek verbs.

Hopeful Love

Looking back at some of my words and attitudes during that season, I feel sick about them. God clearly showed me through that painful and helpful homework that I needed to grow in “hoping all things” and reflecting the patient love of Christ better to my wife. She had been so patient with me. Even more, Jesus had been patient with me. I needed to be more loving towards her by “hoping all things.” How often would your husband or wife say that your love for him or her “hopes all things” as true love does, based on 1 Corinthians 13:7? What we need in our marriages is the hopeful love of Jesus.

The essence of hopeful love is that God isn’t done with us yet. This requires faith. It’s essentially the same faith that believes God’s promises of the gospel for yourself. In a love that hopes, you’re simply bending the promises of the gospel out onto your spouse, finding hope in the fact that the same Holy Spirit at work in your life is at work in his or her life as well. Jesus has promised he will continue the work he has begun in you—and in your spouse. This means there is always a reason for hope in marriage. Hopeful love isn’t only a manufacturer of hope, it is also an engine of change. Hopeful love can change the trajectory of your marriage.

When Jesus looks at you, He sees you as already sanctified (made holy). When Jesus looks at your believing spouse, He sees him or her as already sanctified. This hope is anchored in the power and promise of the gospel. The apostle Paul writes to believers, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11). Paul was writing to upstanding model Christians who had never had marriage problems, right? Wrong—he was writing to the Corinthian church. They were a mess. They were far from maturity in Christ. At the beginning of the same chapter, he was addressing how some of them were suing each other. The church needed to apply the gospel to the current mess and the messy past.

Before coming to know Christ, some of them had been sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, people living in homosexuality, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, and swindlers (see 1 Cor. 6:9-10). Talk about baggage brought into a marriage! But in Christ, he doesn’t say they will be forgiven and changed someday. He declares on the blood of Jesus, “And such were some of you!” (1 Cor. 6:11a). 

Every married couple needs hope. They need to know that Jesus doesn’t only see us as made holy in the future. With the ultimate eyes of faith, our Savior sees us as sanctified today because of the radical spiritual reality of the gospel: “…But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11b).

Radical Grace

Part of what God calls us to as husbands and wives is to see our spouses with the eyes of Christ; not for who they are in their sin, but for who they are with their new identity in Christ and for who God is making them to be.

In fact, Jesus sees your spouse not only as already sanctified, but also as already glorified—in his or her glorious, perfect state in heaven (Rom. 8:30)! If this sounds too good to be true for a spouse who sometimes says thoughtless things, then you’re starting to understand the gospel. It is radical grace. Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does: Riddled with shortcomings (as you are too), but with the potential to live more like Jesus in the days to come and with the promise of being perfect one day in heaven. 

Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does.

If you’re married to an unbeliever, God has called you to trust that He is at work in your spouse’s life, and part of that work is being married to you. The Holy Spirit powerfully reminds you: “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:16) Continue to pray for your unbelieving spouse and continue to love your spouse like Jesus, day by day. Although the promises of the gospel–including Jesus seeing your spouse as already sanctified–don’t apply until your spouse bows his or her heart to Jesus as Lord and Savior, you still honor God and can know that you’re doing all you can to improve your marriage when you pour out the grace of Jesus. When you look for evidence of growth that affects your marriage positively, you’re reflecting the love of Jesus.

Do you see the good things that God is doing in your spouse? Do you see and appreciate or mention the best in him or her now? Write down a few things you’ve noticed recently that God is doing in your spouse’s life and make a plan to tell him or her. It could be a direct way for you to point to the reality of Christ’s active work and to express hopeful love.

Transforming Love

After that difficult homework assignment, I made it my goal to grow specifically in “hopeful love.” I tried to find ways to help my wife to shine. I made sure we had time for her to have opportunities to serve at church that were life-giving for her. I gifted her with an art class because I knew that she is artistic but rarely has an opportunity to enjoy making art. I prayed more specifically for her growth rather than brooding. I tried to always remember that Jesus is patient with me, and Melanie is patient with me—so I need to do the same. Over the years, hopeful love has done its transforming work. Melanie has told me that she now feels (most of the time) that I see the best in her. And the reality is, as this has become a habit, I do.             

Hopeful love has transformed our marriage. We’re now both more patient with each other. And yet, it’s not a patience that is always longing for change, in the sense of, “I will be happy once my spouse acts this way.” Rather, it is a sense of patience that says, “I love you just the way you are. And yet, I also delight in how God is changing you. I can’t believe that out of the billions of people in the world, He gave me the privilege of having a front-row seat to His work in your life.”

Hopeful love not only transforms marriage, but it also makes it sweet.

For further reflection. Showing the hopeful love of Jesus to your spouse means:

·       You can be hopeful with conflict: You can believe that you won’t always fight often.
·       You can be hopeful with communication: You can learn to communicate in healthier, more godly patterns. 
·       You can be hopeful with finances: You can work together better and grow in managing and spending your finances. 
·       You can be hopeful with sex: You can still grow and learn together. 
·       You can be hopeful with parenting: As you make an effort to grow in godly parenting, God can use that desire to have an impact on your husband or wife and ultimately on your kids. 
·       You can be hopeful even in sickness: God can heal and God can carry. 
 
In short, hopeful love means that you can keep your vows: “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…” The very act of making wedding vows is an act of hopeful love. Keeping those vows means continuing that hopeful love, day after day.
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Calling All Husbands

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“Is marriage really hard?” the young man asked me with big eyes when he found out I had been married for over 8 years.  He was engaged and had friends telling him to not get married because it was too hard.  This has played out not once but 3 times, and not in a pastor’s office but at my register in the cell phone store I work at.  The fact that a man would ask a stranger selling him a phone about marriage shows me how much some men want to make marriage work even though the culture tells them it won’t.

As a Christian, God has laid out clear principles in His Word that He expects you to live out in your own marriage. It’s not just a matter of making your marriage work or making it better, but also a matter of obedience. Of course, when you follow God’s commands, then you invite God’s blessing on your marriage as well. These are all areas that I have had to change and grow a lot in over the last several years in particular. I always see a new way to apply these principles in my marriage now every time that I consider them. Just like you, I have further to go and I am excited for what God has for my marriage as I continue to love, lead, and learn my wife more like Christ loves the church. There are other biblical roles of a husband such as provider (1 Tim. 5:8) and protector, but for now this should be enough to evaluate in your own life and marriage.

1) Lover (Eph. 5:25-33). As a husband, you are called to love your wife in a deeper and more unconditional way than you ever thought possible…as Christ loves the church. This is a life-long pursuit of pursuing the Lord and your wife as you learn to live out the Gospel in your marriage. What are some of the ways that Christ loves the church?

  • He loves her unconditionally.
  • He died for her…there is nothing that God can call you to do for your wife that is too much!
  • He forgives her sin.
  • He covers her sin (He doesn’t hold a grudge).
  • He’s her advocate.
  • He protects her.
  • He provides for her needs.
  • He knows her needs, her strengths, her weaknesses, and He acts on her behalf.
  • He sanctifies her.
  • He has time for her.
  • He understands her–He was incarnational (even as God He experienced what man experiences daily, and now He can sympathize with our weaknesses).

2) Leader (Eph. 5:22-23).  Have you ever ridden a tandem bike?  You both pedal but only one can direct the bike by using the handle bars. You are both putting out energy and working together, but one has to take the responsibility for choosing the path that the bike will head down. If you are a husband, God has put you at the handle bars: “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church…” (Eph. 5:22a). Have you ever thought of what it would be like to be under your leadership within your marriage relationship? As husbands, we will answer to God for how we have led our wives.
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3) Learner (1 Peter 3:7). One of the exciting aspects of marriage is learning our wives for the rest of our lives. In fact, God says that if you don’t live with her in an understanding way and show her honor, then your prayers will be hindered. Marriage is dynamic. You are both constantly changing. Ask God to help you understand how to serve your wife today. What would bring her joy (even something as simple as doing the dishes because she is especially tired tonight)? What is a special way you can encourage her in her walk with the Lord? God says that she is a “weaker vessel,” but as husbands we often treat our wives as Tupperware rather than as a rare vase that is worth millions.

Remember, you can live out these things as a husband, which brings God glory, is best for your wife, and is best for you (Eph. 5:28-31). But you must be saved and walking with the Lord to be able to do this, by the power of the Holy Spirit changing you (Eph. 5:18).

Oh, in case you’re wondering, I did give an answer to the question, “Is marriage really hard?” I told them with a huge smile, “It is, but it is more than worth it.” Praise God that He has not left us wondering what our job as a husband is. He has given us both the commands and the resources to be able to love, lead, and learn our wives with joy.

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