I first published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus On The Family.
A few months before our 20th wedding anniversary, I was still trying to finalize what we would do to celebrate. Every anniversary is a reason to celebrate. But we try to get away together for at least the anniversaries that end with a “5” and a “0.” I had finally figured out a budget plan. I had someone willing to preach on the Sunday near our anniversary so we could be gone over a weekend. I had a childcare plan. We just needed to confirm the destination. As my wife and I discussed this, she told me that she wanted to go to a marriage retreat that several friends were going be attending the same weekend as our anniversary.
I wasn’t excited. We are in a busy season with five kids, and I wanted some uninterrupted time to reconnect with my wife. I wanted to have some fun together. As a pastor, I wasn’t sure that sitting in a conference room with hundreds of others, including many other pastors, was my idea of a 20th anniversary celebration. I even asked her if she thought our marriage was doing ok. She explained that she just thought it would be good for us and an encouraging time together while also seeing friends. I realized that my wife doesn’t ask for much, so I said yes and registered us. I’m so glad I did.
Three reasons to attend a couples retreat
1. To grow in your marriage together
I love studying the Bible and marriage enrichment books to help me with teaching and counseling. And I love writing about marriage. But I realized after my wife’s request that a lot of that is without her. She wanted to grow and learn also, and this was an opportunity to do so in our busy schedule. Attending a marriage retreat together means you are both thinking about marriage at the same time. This gives you discussion topics to help you grow and wins to celebrate together as you reflect on God’s grace in your marriage.
I also needed the humility to realize that I still have a lot to learn. I was encouraged, helped, rebuked, and challenged by the speakers and through discussions my wife and I had. Sometimes even as pastors we are afraid of what we might find out if we dig too deep into our own marriages. But until Heaven we are never finished growing as Christians. And we are never finished growing as husbands until Jesus returns or “death do us part.” Focused time thinking about your marriage and growing together may be just what you need. It can help you continue pressing into faithfulness and a deeper love for each other—one that better reflects the love Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5:25).
It may even be that the area of growth that God has for you is in having fun together! A job hazard for pastors is that we deal with so many serious issues with week in and week out. Getting away to focus on your spouse can bring some joy back into your marriage. My wife and I laughed, strolled a new (to us) downtown while holding hands, and enjoyed a slower pace, focusing on our relationship and not our kids.
2. To be an example to your church
What I didn’t expect when I announced to my church that my wife and I would be gone the following weekend as we attended a marriage retreat, was how excited they were that we were going. They were encouraged to see their pastor and his wife investing so intentionally in their marriage. Others in our church have gone to marriage retreats since. I didn’t realize that publicly sharing something my wife and I were doing to enrich our own marriage would have a domino effect, strengthening other marriages.
Remember that some people think that attending a marriage retreat (or even a marriage class) means you have serious problems. I will never forget the lady who told me they would not attend the marriage class we were holding during Sunday School. “We’re doing pretty good right now. Who knows what we would find if we dig too deep!”
A pastor and his wife attending a couples conference or retreat takes away any stigma that some still have toward marriage enrichment. We don’t want surface-deep oneness in the marriages in our church. We want living and breathing examples to the world, the church, and families that a marriage centered on Christ is rich, satisfying, and able to overcome any obstacles that come at it. You and your wife going on a marriage getaway might be the catalyst for transformation among couples in your church.
3. To see blind spots that you are missing
When I lived in the L.A. area, I would sometimes drive down the interstate and decide to pass a vehicle. But I would first do a quick “blind spot check,” looking over my shoulder. I lost count of how many times I missed a speedy car or motorcycle that was right in my blind spot just when I thought it was safe to change lanes. The reason your Driver’s Ed teacher drilled “blind spot checks” into you is because they keep you from crashing. They help you see what you couldn’t see otherwise.
One of the benefits of attending a couples retreat is that you will think about areas of your marriage that maybe you have not talked about for a long time or thought intentionally about recently. A marriage retreat is a “blind spot check” for your most important earthly relationship.
When was the last time that you and your wife had a good, deep discussion without defensiveness about areas of your marriage like communication, roles, responsibilities, forgiveness, financial decisions, sex, or leaving a legacy? The marriage retreat we attended opened up healthy dialogue in all of these areas. We left feeling closer to each other and more unified in our direction and goals in our marriage—more zeroed in on glorifying God with our marriage—because of these discussions that we sometimes don’t dive into in the midst of day-to-day life and responsibilities.
Conclusion
Pastor, no matter how long you have been married, you have blind spots. Let a marriage retreat create space for you to be poured into, so you can see and attend to those blind spots. Use a retreat to build a healthier marriage that the whole church can look up to.
If you are not convinced yet that you should go on a couples retreat, ask your wife what she thinks about going. It may be a way to bring back some unity in ministry together rather than you going to another pastor’s conference alone. It may bring some spark back into your marriage. You might even learn something new about each other.
My wife and I went to dinner before the first session of the couples conference we attended, and ordered calamari for our appetizer. I didn’t like the idea of fried squid, but I was sure I remembered that Melanie loved it from a dinner early in our marriage. Unbeknownst to me, Melanie thought I really wanted it since I do enjoy exotic foods, so she went along with it. While we were eating our appetizer, we both commented that we didn’t really like the texture. Then we were shocked as we discovered that neither of us really wanted calamari but were trying to do what the other wanted! Apparently, we needed the communication workshop that weekend. Maybe you do too.
He Must Become Greater 