Tag: ministry marriage

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Pastors, Pursue Your Wife!

I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus on the Family.

The biblical call to pursue your wife

I have a confession to make. My wife is a faster runner than me. I used to run more regularly, and I ran a marathon in my twenties, so maybe that will change again at some point. But for now, when my wife and I go running together, she is always in front of me. It has become a metaphor for me: keep chasing your wife, Tim! 

Continuing to pursue your wife is good for your relationship. It is also commanded by God for every husband. In the longest passage on marriage in the New Testament, the apostle explains why every Christian husband has the life-long duty and joy of chasing after his wife’s heart, body, and soul: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself…” (Ephesians 5:25-26, 28, 32)

Christian husbands who are trying to please God in their marriages can never let their foot off the gas when pursuing their wives, because it is one of the ways they reflect the pursuing love of Jesus. When God speaks directly to husbands in Ephesians, the command is clear: keep loving your wife, not only for the sake of your relationship, but also because “…it refers to Christ and the church.” A husband who has been truly captivated by the love of Jesus must be an incurable romantic towards his wife.

How pastors can strengthen their marriage through daily pursuit

In many ways a pastor is called to be a godly husband like any other Christian man. But in other ways, God has higher expectations. How does this requirement of a godly husband uniquely apply to pastors? It is in our God-given job description. In the character requirements of a pastor or elder in 1 Timothy 3, we see this indispensable quality in the list: “…the husband of one wife.” (1 Timothy 3:2) As has been often said, this can be understood to mean “a one-woman man.” 

In other words, he has eyes for her only. Put another way, a pastor could quote the Song of Solomon to his wife and mean it from the bottom of his heart: “You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes…How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine…” (Song of Solomon 4:9-10)

Resisting distractions in the pursuit of your wife

But if we’re honest, we don’t always feel that way about our wives. We are, after all, ordinary men whom God has called to an extraordinary task. Apart from the work of the Spirit in our lives, we can have the same selfish tendencies as any other husband. But the solution is right there in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” I am convinced that God’s solution to a mediocre marriage is for the husband to consistently, lovingly, tenderly and yet vigorously pursue his wife.

To do what we know is best for our marriages, we have to consider why we have stopped doing the right thing in the first place. In Homer’s Odyssey, mythological Sirens were half-bird, half-woman creatures. They had beautiful voices that would hypnotize sailors, causing them to crash their boats upon the rocks. Their calls were irresistible. Odysseus, the hero, escaped the Siren’s song by tying himself to the mast of his ship. What are the siren calls in ministry that slowly veer us off course and could shipwreck our marriages? How can we tie ourselves to the mast of joyfully pursuing our wives and stay on course?

The siren call of busyness in ministry over marriage

Part of the struggle that we all experience as pastors is that our work is never done. There are always more meetings that could be held, more progress to be made in developing leaders, more people to disciple, more outreach that could be led, and more work that could be done on this Sunday’s sermon.

But the Lord calls us to be husbands first and pastors second. It’s not that being a husband and pastor are at odds with each other, but that our priorities have to be lined up with God’s priorities as seen in 1 Timothy 3:2. One day, we will retire from full-time vocational ministry. But we will never retire from strengthening our marriage as God calls us to do. Until you or your wife dies, God calls you to have your foot on the pedal of pursuing her — just as Jesus always pursues us.

We can listen to God’s call to joyfully strengthen our marriage instead of to the siren call of busyness in ministry by saying “no” or “wait” to what we can’t accomplish in a reasonable work week. 

Protect your time to strengthen your marriage

I used to push through even if it meant working an unhealthy amount of hours. God convicted me that my relationship with my wife needed to be a priority and that my kids would only be in my home for so long. I have learned the hard way that often I need to put things in my planner at the end of the work week. Some will need to wait until next week, so that I can say yes to the family God has given me. This includes making intentional time with my wife.

Pastoral ministry also gives the flexibility to enjoy small windows of time. I have found that taking advantage of those can make a big difference in marriage. In any given week I may need to go to an evening emergency counseling session. But I can also make sure that my day off includes time for my wife and that a busy week is followed by a slower one. 

One pastor that I was mentored by would go to lunch with his wife every Wednesday. That break in the workweek kept their relationship strong and reminded us all of rightly ordered priorities while she battled cancer and he pastored a busy church.  

The siren call of passivity in marriage

Being pastors does not mean that you and I are exempt from the pull to be passive in our marriages. I am astonished at how quickly I can be lulled yet again into passivity in my pursuit of my wife. I think about how beautiful she looks, but I don’t say it. Yet, I plan ahead for Elder and Deacon meetings, but I don’t plan out a date with her. 

Satan wants pastors to be passive in pursuing their wives. The devil hates it when pastors relentlessly ignore the siren call of passivity and laziness and chase their wive’s hearts. So think of fighting your natural passivity as spiritual warfare. Adam was silent while the deceiver spoke with his wife about the forbidden fruit. It turns out that all of these years later, we still can be passive in our marriages, leaving destruction behind. 

God helps you strengthen your marriage

But Jesus, the snake-crusher, can help us overcome these tendencies. We can put our wife’s needs above our own (Philippians 2:3). Look for ways to help her in the home even when you arrive home exhausted. We can pray with her regularly, even if prayer with her has been hard to fit in during other seasons. We can ask her what is going on in her heart and then listen, even when we are concerned about the latest crisis at the church. We can look for ways to include her in ministry rather than always doing ministry separately.

I have found that being realistic about our season of life in intentionally pursuing my wife has helped me long-term. With our family situation (five kids from toddlers to teenagers), an hour cuddling and talking on the couch might replace a weekly date night. But I can still fight passivity by occasionally planning a night out. I can also look for ways to get away for a few days without kids once a year. Ask God how he wants you to fight passivity in your own heart and situation, and pursue your wife.

Tie Yourself to the Mast of a Joyful Pursuit of Your Wife

Just as Odysseus tied himself to the mast of his ship to beat the sirens, part of God’s solution to pursuing your wife is by tying yourself to the mast of finding joy in your relationship with her. The Preacher in Ecclesiastes encourages husbands in this wise way of living, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love…” (Ecclesiastes 9:9a) That joy will continue to grow as your relationship continues to grow, day-by-day and year-by-year. 

It is possible to be a busy pastor who also makes time for his wife. It is possible to struggle with passivity in marriage even while you are a dynamic leader at church, and yet grow in fighting selfishness in your marriage. Not only is it possible, it is what God calls us to. Pastors who relentlessly pursue their wives can experience God’s smile on their marriage—and often their wife’s smile, too.

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The Missing Ingredient in Too Many Marriages: Joy

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared at Focus on the Family’s The Focused Pastor. You will regularly see articles I have written for The Focused Pastor here. However, I will continue to write articles for both pastors and all Christians. If you are not a pastor but you find this helpful, please pass it on to your pastor! Also, the biblical marriage principles about joy in marriage apply to all marriages.

Like cupcakes missing sugar, too many Christian marriages are missing a key ingredient. Just because a marriage is missing this ingredient doesn’t mean it’s not a marriage, just as a cupcake missing sugar doesn’t mean it’s not a cupcake. But neither “tastes” good. 

When we realize that what is at stake is not a bad batch of baked goods but potentially a poor reflection of the gospel through our marriage relationship, we will do all we can to put the ingredient of joy back into our marriages. Many Christian marriages, including ministry marriages, would be sweet again if husbands took the lead in loving their wives joyfully.

My wife is usually pretty positive with me, but one evening, she looked at me and said, “Did you know you’re pretty grumpy most of the time right now?” That knocked me a little off-kilter. She knew things had been stressful at church. She had been supportive and prayerful with me. But after I stopped defending myself in my mind and started to think about what she had the courage to point out, I asked her more about it and realized that she was right. I was getting so consumed with trying to stay on top of pastoral ministry while dealing with multiple fronts during a difficult season in our church that it was negatively affecting my parenting—and our marriage.

I had to ask for forgiveness and start to make changes. Nothing was immediate, but choice by choice, joy began to seep back into our marriage and family. 

As I evaluated what happened, I realized that in trying to be Jesus for my church, I had not loved my wife like Jesus loves the church. Ephesians 5:25 is loud and clear on our calling: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” 

Love to Love Your Wife

One specific way that Christ loved the church, a way that God calls us to echo his love in our marriages, is that Jesus loved the church joyfully. He loves to love us. Do we love to love our wives?

Jesus doesn’t just put up with the church. He receives joy by giving us joy (Hebrews 12:2). Jesus doesn’t love the church grudgingly but persistently. He joyfully and persistently loves us. Jesus’ love doesn’t change based on our relationship with him on any given day. 

When wives know that their husbands love to love them, there is a security in marriage that develops and strengthens over years. This security frees a wife to be an even greater blessing to others. Also, when we love our wives so joyfully that it’s obvious to her and others, a sweetness develops. When a pastor and wife exude this sweetness to their church and others through the genuine joy in their marriage, their marriage “smells” like the gospel. A joyful marriage covenant points to the New Covenant.

Cultivating Joy

Here are four ways to cultivate more consistent joy in your marriage as you strive to reflect Christ in the love you have for your wife.

1. Spend intentional time together.

Jesus delights to be with his bride. Yet, I am shocked at how quickly I can coast in marriage. The demands of ministry, bills, raising children, home repair, and just making it through each day can mean that I look up and we haven’t had enough intentional time together. We have found that a weekly date night is unrealistic in this season of five kids, including toddlers and teenagers. But we can still purposefully set aside one night or more a week to cuddle on the couch together while we watch a movie or talk. And we can still intentionally carve out times that we go out together without kids, both for a few hours and occasionally for a few days. 

Are you as intentional to spend time with your wife as you are to follow up on shepherding issues at church?

2. Talk about what God is teaching you.

Joy ultimately comes from Jesus (Luke 2:10, Matthew 28:8, 1 Peter 1:8, 1 John 1:4). When you invest personally in your relationship with Jesus, true joy will seep into your marriage. I have found that when we talk about what God is teaching us, whether spontaneously or as an intentional question, it encourages each other’s walks with the Lord and begins to spill over into our marriage relationship. Pastors, God is teaching you in the Word every week. Share some of that with your wife, not as an additional sermon but out of the joy of knowing Jesus. 

3. Act like Jesus is King.

One of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever heard from another pastor is to talk about church matters as appropriate or needed with your wife for just a little bit when you get home. Then pray together about it before moving on with the evening if there’s a pressing issue, but act like Jesus is king. It is easy to bring things up again and just go around and around about ministry. That is okay to a degree if it helps you serve others together, but at some point, you need to have discussions that are not ministry-related, especially if the issues are stressful. Give it to Jesus, and let it go for the evening (Matthew 6:34).

4. Serve together in some way.

Serving as a pastor does not mean I am automatically serving Jesus with my wife. It can be okay to serve in different areas of the church or family life, depending on the season of life and giftedness. After all, she is not a pastor because she is married to you. But I have found that doing some ministry purposefully together has been helpful. For us, that has been as varied as visitation, foster care, planning an outreach together, or being on the worship team together. Serving together purposefully can bring joy to your marriage, reminding you that God brought you together to glorify him.

Brothers, does your wife not only know that you love her but know that you love to love her, as your Savior does? The marriage of A.W. Tozer leaves us with a somber warning. In his book I Still Do, Dave Harvey recounts: “Tozer was a spiritual giant—a man of spectacular faith, incredible insight, and compelling godliness. But Tozer neglected his wife, Ada, and their family in some pretty stunning ways…After Tozer’s death, Ada remarried a man named Leonard Odam. Dorsett [Tozer’s biographer] writes of a poignant moment when Ada was asked to describe her life with her new husband. ‘I have never been happier in my life,’ Ada observed. ‘Aiden [Tozer] loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me.’”[1]

Brothers, we can love both Jesus and our wives well. We are called to love both. A marriage that “smells” like the gospel will have one often-overlooked ingredient: joy.

[1] Dave Harvey, I Still Do (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2020), p. 193.

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The Secret to Loving Your Wife Better: Love Jesus Better

Note from Tim: This article originally was published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor” ministry. The content applies to non-pastor husbands as well!

This post was also featured in Tim Challies’ A La Carte.

I recently heard somebody say that one of the ways to endure well in ministry is to realize that ministry is not about you. It’s all about Jesus. The same is true of marriage. When you embrace that marriage is about Jesus first and you and your wife second, one of the secrets of a joyful, enduring marriage comes to light: love Jesus better, and you will love your wife better.

As pastors, it seems we should know this instinctively. Our calling is directly tied to helping others know Jesus better. But we are no different than our church members. We must constantly remind ourselves that marriage is about Jesus first and works best when we love Jesus first.

As I have studied what the Bible says about marriage – both for my growth and for those I shepherd – I have become convinced that Christ’s relationship with the church is the controlling metaphor that God has given us to help us understand marriage. A controlling metaphor is a word picture that explains something for an entire work of literature. At the beginning of the Bible, when God created marriage in the Garden of Eden, He initiated a human covenant relationship that He knew would reflect the relationship between His Son and His people. Even so many years before Jesus, even in the Garden, God pointed ahead to his Son.

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

At the end of the Bible, when God plans a celebration feast for the consummation of the ages, he describes it using what term? The marriage Supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7, 9)! When we love our wives like Christ loves the church, we play our part in a story that has been told since the beginning of time, a story that all creation will continue to celebrate at the end of time as we step into the beginning of forever.

Paul points this out in Ephesians 5:31-32, when he quotes Genesis 2:24, and then explains there are depths to marriage we can only begin to understand on this side of eternity: 

“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” 

Marriage refers to Christ and the church. God embedded marriage in culture as a quiet pointer to the gospel. So, when we love our wives well, we point to Jesus. But also, when we love Jesus well, we love our wives better.

Closer to Jesus, Closer to My Wife

After two decades of marriage, I have noticed a pattern: when I am closer to Jesus, I am usually closer to my wife. Why is this? Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?: 

“A marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”

This applies to pastors as much as anyone else. Yet, there are certain dangers inherent in our vocation. We may think that because we serve Jesus daily as part of our job, we are naturally close to Him. But one test of a man’s walk with Christ is how he treats his wife. This is not to say that if we are close to Jesus, we will always be close to our wives. The fact that you are a sinner married to a sinner in a world groaning under the curse means your marriage will have ups and downs. But making your relationship with Christ a priority is the start of finding the freedom and power to love your wife humbly and selflessly as Jesus loves us, no matter what is going on in your relationship or ministry. 

Order Your Love Rightly

When you remember that Jesus is your first love (see Revelation 2:4-5), his love naturally overflows out of your life and into your wife. It’s not that loving Jesus and loving your wife are commands from God that are at odds with each other, it is that we can only love others rightly when we order our love rightly. 

Jesus explained how loving God results in loving others: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39) Your wife is your closest neighbor, so Jesus’ words remind us of our priorities as shepherds of God’s people: love Jesus, love your wife, love your kids, and love others, including your church family and community.

Fellow pastors and ministry leaders, don’t forget that there is one time the Bible commands you to get drunk: “…Be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:19). God wants you to be drunk with love for your wife. This is best for you, her, your kids, and your church, and it glorifies God. Pursue her simply for the joy of pursuing her and because you love her. But don’t forget that you will love your wife better when you love Jesus. Root your pursuit of her in the fact that Christ has pursued you. Embracing this secret can be the secret to embracing a joy-filled marriage.

Rekindle your love for Jesus, and be in tune with his heart for reflecting the gospel in your marriage. Then your marriage will be like a fire that keeps you both warm and gives light to others.

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3 Ways a Pastor & His Wife Can Stay Madly In Love

This article first appeared on the Baptist Convention of New England blog and then at For The Church.

Pastors and wives, don’t forget that there is one time the Bible commands you to get drunk: “…Be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:19) God wants you to be drunk with love for your spouse. This is best for you, best for your spouse, best for your kids, best for your church, and it glorifies God. Pastors and wives face unique pressures and challenges due to our roles in the body of Christ. Here are three ways a pastor and wife can stay madly in love through all of the ups and downs of pastoral ministry.

Remember Jesus is married to the church. You are not.
It is no secret that pastors often struggle with working too much. There is always more to do. Unlike a contractor who can look at a remodeling project and say it is done or an accountant who can say the books are balanced, pastoral ministry is never ever finished until Jesus comes back.

But remember, Jesus is married to the church. You are not. Don’t try to be Jesus for your church. The church only needs one Savior, and you are not Him. But you are married to your spouse. We will all stand before God and answer not only for how we loved His church, but also for how we loved our spouse.

Yes, there will be weeks and seasons that are overly busy, and every pastor and wife has to grapple with that fact and communicate, work together and show grace during those busy times. But not every season can be that way or something is out of balance, and your ministry, not to mention your marriage, will suffer because of it.

Over the years I have been guilty of prioritizing discipleship of others over prayer and Bible reading with my wife. But when I love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:22-33), including having time for her, I also love His church better. Sometimes this may mean taking a “comp day” off after an especially busy season and doing something fun together, or going home early without guilt to help with home projects if they have been neglected due to your recent ministry schedule.

Remember your friendship.
Both a pastor and his wife can struggle with forgetting to prioritize their friendship. Pastors often have trouble letting go of things at church, and because ministry is a joint endeavor (as it should be), pastor’s wives can also easily prioritize ministry opportunities over their husbands.

My grandfather was a pastor for over 40 years, and he and my grandmother, who were married for 64 years, would often say that one of their secrets for a happy marriage was laughing together. Make sure you are taking all of your vacation days, and not just taking care of ministry and home responsibilities together. Play a game. Watch a funny movie that you both enjoy. Exercise together. Go outside together. Get a babysitter or do a child care swap so you can go out on a date together. Invest in each other as friends.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 reminds us that life is fleeting, and that God has given us a spouse to enjoy life with. “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that He has given you under the sun…” “Vain” can also be translated “fleeting” or “vapor.” Life is like a vapor. Enjoy and invest in your friendship with your spouse, and your oneness will grow: emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually. Time with your spouse is never wasted time.

Remember your first love is Jesus.
When I am closer to Jesus, I am closer to my wife. I mean truly closer to Jesus, in my heart, not just thinking I am closer because I am doing the right things. Why is this?

Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?, “A marriage of love, unity and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”

This applies to pastors and wives as much as anyone else. When you remember that Jesus is your first love (see Revelation 2:4-5), then His love naturally overflows out of your life onto your spouse. Rekindle your love for Jesus, and be in tune with His heart for reflecting the Gospel in your marriage. Then your marriage will be like a fireplace on a winter day that keeps you both warm, and at the same time gives warmth and light to others.

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