Category: Marriage

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Pastors, Pursue Your Wife!

I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus on the Family.

The biblical call to pursue your wife

I have a confession to make. My wife is a faster runner than me. I used to run more regularly, and I ran a marathon in my twenties, so maybe that will change again at some point. But for now, when my wife and I go running together, she is always in front of me. It has become a metaphor for me: keep chasing your wife, Tim! 

Continuing to pursue your wife is good for your relationship. It is also commanded by God for every husband. In the longest passage on marriage in the New Testament, the apostle explains why every Christian husband has the life-long duty and joy of chasing after his wife’s heart, body, and soul: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself…” (Ephesians 5:25-26, 28, 32)

Christian husbands who are trying to please God in their marriages can never let their foot off the gas when pursuing their wives, because it is one of the ways they reflect the pursuing love of Jesus. When God speaks directly to husbands in Ephesians, the command is clear: keep loving your wife, not only for the sake of your relationship, but also because “…it refers to Christ and the church.” A husband who has been truly captivated by the love of Jesus must be an incurable romantic towards his wife.

How pastors can strengthen their marriage through daily pursuit

In many ways a pastor is called to be a godly husband like any other Christian man. But in other ways, God has higher expectations. How does this requirement of a godly husband uniquely apply to pastors? It is in our God-given job description. In the character requirements of a pastor or elder in 1 Timothy 3, we see this indispensable quality in the list: “…the husband of one wife.” (1 Timothy 3:2) As has been often said, this can be understood to mean “a one-woman man.” 

In other words, he has eyes for her only. Put another way, a pastor could quote the Song of Solomon to his wife and mean it from the bottom of his heart: “You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes…How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine…” (Song of Solomon 4:9-10)

Resisting distractions in the pursuit of your wife

But if we’re honest, we don’t always feel that way about our wives. We are, after all, ordinary men whom God has called to an extraordinary task. Apart from the work of the Spirit in our lives, we can have the same selfish tendencies as any other husband. But the solution is right there in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” I am convinced that God’s solution to a mediocre marriage is for the husband to consistently, lovingly, tenderly and yet vigorously pursue his wife.

To do what we know is best for our marriages, we have to consider why we have stopped doing the right thing in the first place. In Homer’s Odyssey, mythological Sirens were half-bird, half-woman creatures. They had beautiful voices that would hypnotize sailors, causing them to crash their boats upon the rocks. Their calls were irresistible. Odysseus, the hero, escaped the Siren’s song by tying himself to the mast of his ship. What are the siren calls in ministry that slowly veer us off course and could shipwreck our marriages? How can we tie ourselves to the mast of joyfully pursuing our wives and stay on course?

The siren call of busyness in ministry over marriage

Part of the struggle that we all experience as pastors is that our work is never done. There are always more meetings that could be held, more progress to be made in developing leaders, more people to disciple, more outreach that could be led, and more work that could be done on this Sunday’s sermon.

But the Lord calls us to be husbands first and pastors second. It’s not that being a husband and pastor are at odds with each other, but that our priorities have to be lined up with God’s priorities as seen in 1 Timothy 3:2. One day, we will retire from full-time vocational ministry. But we will never retire from strengthening our marriage as God calls us to do. Until you or your wife dies, God calls you to have your foot on the pedal of pursuing her — just as Jesus always pursues us.

We can listen to God’s call to joyfully strengthen our marriage instead of to the siren call of busyness in ministry by saying “no” or “wait” to what we can’t accomplish in a reasonable work week. 

Protect your time to strengthen your marriage

I used to push through even if it meant working an unhealthy amount of hours. God convicted me that my relationship with my wife needed to be a priority and that my kids would only be in my home for so long. I have learned the hard way that often I need to put things in my planner at the end of the work week. Some will need to wait until next week, so that I can say yes to the family God has given me. This includes making intentional time with my wife.

Pastoral ministry also gives the flexibility to enjoy small windows of time. I have found that taking advantage of those can make a big difference in marriage. In any given week I may need to go to an evening emergency counseling session. But I can also make sure that my day off includes time for my wife and that a busy week is followed by a slower one. 

One pastor that I was mentored by would go to lunch with his wife every Wednesday. That break in the workweek kept their relationship strong and reminded us all of rightly ordered priorities while she battled cancer and he pastored a busy church.  

The siren call of passivity in marriage

Being pastors does not mean that you and I are exempt from the pull to be passive in our marriages. I am astonished at how quickly I can be lulled yet again into passivity in my pursuit of my wife. I think about how beautiful she looks, but I don’t say it. Yet, I plan ahead for Elder and Deacon meetings, but I don’t plan out a date with her. 

Satan wants pastors to be passive in pursuing their wives. The devil hates it when pastors relentlessly ignore the siren call of passivity and laziness and chase their wive’s hearts. So think of fighting your natural passivity as spiritual warfare. Adam was silent while the deceiver spoke with his wife about the forbidden fruit. It turns out that all of these years later, we still can be passive in our marriages, leaving destruction behind. 

God helps you strengthen your marriage

But Jesus, the snake-crusher, can help us overcome these tendencies. We can put our wife’s needs above our own (Philippians 2:3). Look for ways to help her in the home even when you arrive home exhausted. We can pray with her regularly, even if prayer with her has been hard to fit in during other seasons. We can ask her what is going on in her heart and then listen, even when we are concerned about the latest crisis at the church. We can look for ways to include her in ministry rather than always doing ministry separately.

I have found that being realistic about our season of life in intentionally pursuing my wife has helped me long-term. With our family situation (five kids from toddlers to teenagers), an hour cuddling and talking on the couch might replace a weekly date night. But I can still fight passivity by occasionally planning a night out. I can also look for ways to get away for a few days without kids once a year. Ask God how he wants you to fight passivity in your own heart and situation, and pursue your wife.

Tie Yourself to the Mast of a Joyful Pursuit of Your Wife

Just as Odysseus tied himself to the mast of his ship to beat the sirens, part of God’s solution to pursuing your wife is by tying yourself to the mast of finding joy in your relationship with her. The Preacher in Ecclesiastes encourages husbands in this wise way of living, “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love…” (Ecclesiastes 9:9a) That joy will continue to grow as your relationship continues to grow, day-by-day and year-by-year. 

It is possible to be a busy pastor who also makes time for his wife. It is possible to struggle with passivity in marriage even while you are a dynamic leader at church, and yet grow in fighting selfishness in your marriage. Not only is it possible, it is what God calls us to. Pastors who relentlessly pursue their wives can experience God’s smile on their marriage—and often their wife’s smile, too.

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Why Pastors and Their Wives Should Go On a Couples Retreat


I first published this article at The Focused Pastor, a ministry of Focus On The Family.

A few months before our 20th wedding anniversary, I was still trying to finalize what we would do to celebrate. Every anniversary is a reason to celebrate. But we try to get away together for at least the anniversaries that end with a “5” and a “0.” I had finally figured out a budget plan. I had someone willing to preach on the Sunday near our anniversary so we could be gone over a weekend. I had a childcare plan. We just needed to confirm the destination. As my wife and I discussed this, she told me that she wanted to go to a marriage retreat that several friends were going be attending the same weekend as our anniversary.

I wasn’t excited. We are in a busy season with five kids, and I wanted some uninterrupted time to reconnect with my wife. I wanted to have some fun together. As a pastor, I wasn’t sure that sitting in a conference room with hundreds of others, including many other pastors, was my idea of a 20th anniversary celebration. I even asked her if she thought our marriage was doing ok. She explained that she just thought it would be good for us and an encouraging time together while also seeing friends. I realized that my wife doesn’t ask for much, so I said yes and registered us. I’m so glad I did.

Three reasons to attend a couples retreat

1. To grow in your marriage together

I love studying the Bible and marriage enrichment books to help me with teaching and counseling. And I love writing about marriage. But I realized after my wife’s request that a lot of that is without her. She wanted to grow and learn also, and this was an opportunity to do so in our busy schedule. Attending a marriage retreat together means you are both thinking about marriage at the same time. This gives you discussion topics to help you grow and wins to celebrate together as you reflect on God’s grace in your marriage.

I also needed the humility to realize that I still have a lot to learn. I was encouraged, helped, rebuked, and challenged by the speakers and through discussions my wife and I had. Sometimes even as pastors we are afraid of what we might find out if we dig too deep into our own marriages. But until Heaven we are never finished growing as Christians. And we are never finished growing as husbands until Jesus returns or “death do us part.” Focused time thinking about your marriage and growing together may be just what you need. It can help you continue pressing into faithfulness and a deeper love for each other—one that better reflects the love Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5:25).

It may even be that the area of growth that God has for you is in having fun together! A job hazard for pastors is that we deal with so many serious issues with week in and week out. Getting away to focus on your spouse can bring some joy back into your marriage. My wife and I laughed, strolled a new (to us) downtown while holding hands, and enjoyed a slower pace, focusing on our relationship and not our kids.

2. To be an example to your church

What I didn’t expect when I announced to my church that my wife and I would be gone the following weekend as we attended a marriage retreat, was how excited they were that we were going. They were encouraged to see their pastor and his wife investing so intentionally in their marriage. Others in our church have gone to marriage retreats since. I didn’t realize that publicly sharing something my wife and I were doing to enrich our own marriage would have a domino effect, strengthening other marriages.

Remember that some people think that attending a marriage retreat (or even a marriage class) means you have serious problems. I will never forget the lady who told me they would not attend the marriage class we were holding during Sunday School. “We’re doing pretty good right now. Who knows what we would find if we dig too deep!”

A pastor and his wife attending a couples conference or retreat takes away any stigma that some still have toward marriage enrichment. We don’t want surface-deep oneness in the marriages in our church. We want living and breathing examples to the world, the church, and families that a marriage centered on Christ is rich, satisfying, and able to overcome any obstacles that come at it. You and your wife going on a marriage getaway might be the catalyst for transformation among couples in your church.

3. To see blind spots that you are missing

When I lived in the L.A. area, I would sometimes drive down the interstate and decide to pass a vehicle. But I would first do a quick “blind spot check,” looking over my shoulder. I lost count of how many times I missed a speedy car or motorcycle that was right in my blind spot just when I thought it was safe to change lanes. The reason your Driver’s Ed teacher drilled “blind spot checks” into you is because they keep you from crashing. They help you see what you couldn’t see otherwise.

One of the benefits of attending a couples retreat is that you will think about areas of your marriage that maybe you have not talked about for a long time or thought intentionally about recently. A marriage retreat is a “blind spot check” for your most important earthly relationship.

When was the last time that you and your wife had a good, deep discussion without defensiveness about areas of your marriage like communication, roles, responsibilities, forgiveness, financial decisions, sex, or leaving a legacy? The marriage retreat we attended opened up healthy dialogue in all of these areas. We left feeling closer to each other and more unified in our direction and goals in our marriage—more zeroed in on glorifying God with our marriage—because of these discussions that we sometimes don’t dive into in the midst of day-to-day life and responsibilities.

Conclusion

Pastor, no matter how long you have been married, you have blind spots. Let a marriage retreat create space for you to be poured into, so you can see and attend to those blind spots. Use a retreat to build a healthier marriage that the whole church can look up to.

If you are not convinced yet that you should go on a couples retreat, ask your wife what she thinks about going. It may be a way to bring back some unity in ministry together rather than you going to another pastor’s conference alone. It may bring some spark back into your marriage. You might even learn something new about each other.

My wife and I went to dinner before the first session of the couples conference we attended, and ordered calamari for our appetizer. I didn’t like the idea of fried squid, but I was sure I remembered that Melanie loved it from a dinner early in our marriage. Unbeknownst to me, Melanie thought I really wanted it since I do enjoy exotic foods, so she went along with it. While we were eating our appetizer, we both commented that we didn’t really like the texture. Then we were shocked as we discovered that neither of us really wanted calamari but were trying to do what the other wanted! Apparently, we needed the communication workshop that weekend. Maybe you do too.

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Three Ways to Minister to a Family Who Has Had a Miscarriage

Note from Tim: I originally published this article at The Focused Pastor.

We were overjoyed when my wife first showed me the positive pregnancy test. Ecstatic. It was hard to believe that in 7 1/2 short months, we would be holding our baby. Since I was a pastor several states away from family, we wanted to make this announcement really special. That Friday, we bought the books What Grandparents Do Best and What Aunts and Uncles Do Best to send in the mail. We planned to write notes over the weekend to accompany the books so they would be ready to mail on Monday. But Saturday morning, we were in the E.R. We were having a miscarriage.

What would you say if you received a call from a grieving husband like me? How would you help him and his wife as they went through this time?

 Miscarriage is a difficult situation for many reasons. The pain is deep, and especially when a couple has not announced the pregnancy, they may conceal that pain. However, as a pastor or church leader, if you hear of a couple in your church that has had a miscarriage, God has given you that knowledge so you can share and show His grace to that couple. Here are three ways you can meet them with hope.

1) Acknowledge it as a death and loss.

As pro-life people, we acknowledge that every human life has value and dignity (Psalm 139). We can be strong on abortion being wrong, and that is a good thing. But we need to also be strong in acknowledging that what we know to be true about human life in the womb means that a miscarriage is a loss of human life. 

Because a miscarriage is earlier on in pregnancy than a stillbirth, sometimes others do not even know that the couple was expecting.1 Many parents who experience a miscarriage suffer silently, and when they do open up about a miscarriage, they need comfort and acknowledgment of this loss. Ignoring it hurts. Moving toward them in a phone call or setting up a time to meet if they would like can mean the world as they deal with the grief of shattered expectations and hopes for that new life. It is important to involve your wife in these conversations as it is also an opportunity for her to minister. When that is not possible, it is helpful to get permission to share it with a trusted woman or two in the church who will reach out to the mother so she has other Christian women to talk with about her loss.

Simply praying with them may be the pastoral care they need during that season. If the pregnancy was widely known or if they are very open about the miscarriage, it may even be appropriate to ask them if they would like it shared on the church prayer list or e-mail so that others in the local body can pray for them. Acknowledging a miscarriage as a reason for grief can in itself bring healing.

2) Counsel them from the Word.

All pastors and church leaders need to be ready to answer the question, “Is my baby in heaven?” Too many believe we need to be agnostic regarding this question. In other words, they believe it may be true that God saves babies. They say the attributes of God point us in that direction, but they believe Scripture is silent on the issue. I believe God is clear in Scripture that He welcomes into heaven every baby who dies, born or unborn. I believe this for four main reasons.

First, consider God’s view of children (Ezekiel 16:21; Jonah 4:11; Jeremiah 19:4; Isaiah 7:15-16). God claims ownership over all babies whom He calls “innocents,” even those of pagan nations. Second, consider Jesus’s love for children (Mark 10:13-16; Luke 18:15-17; Matthew 19:13-15). There is no other instance in Scripture of Jesus specifically blessing those destined for hell. Third, consider King David’s belief (2 Samuel 12:22-23). David was comforted with much more than the thought that he would join his infant son in the grave someday—he expected that he would see him again! Fourth, consider theological reasons. Scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Ephesians 5:5, and Revelation 20:12-13show that we are saved by grace but condemned by works. Whenever Scripture describes those who will inhabit hell, the emphasis is on their willful sin and rebellion against God. I agree with Spurgeon, who preached: “We hold that all infants [who die] are elect of God are therefore saved, and we look to this as being the means by which Christ shall see of the travail of His soul to a great degree, and we do sometimes hope that thus the multitude of the saved shall be made to exceed the multitude of the lost.”2

I have written more on this topic elsewhere, but John MacArthur’s book Safe in the Arms of God extensively dives into this crucial topic. When I wrote a seminary paper on the eternal destiny of babies, I found that previous generations who dealt with higher infant death rates often wrote about this more. But all pastors need to dive deeply into this at some point. It is not theoretical. It is a pressing pastoral issue when a miscarriage happens or when a baby dies.

Even a pastor who is unsure of his theology in this area needs to be prepared with some encouragement from the Word for parents grieving a miscarriage because the Holy Spirit brings healing through the Word of God.

3) Offer practical help from the church if needed.

As you minister to the family, see if there are practical ways the church can help and come alongside them in their grief. Of course, the needs will vary with the situation, but asking about the need for meals or other help during recovery time can go a long way. My wife and I both remember feeling the love and help of the body of Christ as some meals were brought to us after our first miscarriage and again in another church years later as a second miscarriage included medical complications. Knowing that we were loved and not alone brought great comfort.

It is a good pastoral practice to follow up with a couple in the months following the miscarriage, even if that starts with a quick check-in. They might be dealing with other situations later, such as infertility, depression, or needing encouragement in their marriage. I have never regretted checking in on a couple a month or two after a miscarriage, but I have regretted not checking in on them. 

Christ always cares for His sheep, and while we are not Christ, we can reflect him when we show special care to those who are suffering the unique hurts a miscarriage brings. Through faithful pastors and churches, hurting couples can experience the healing and hope that Christ brings.

  1. While this article focuses on miscarriage, couples who face stillbirths will need much of the same ministry and perhaps even more support. The CDC defines the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth: “a miscarriage is usually defined as loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, and a stillbirth is loss of a baby at or after 20 weeks of pregnancy.” https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html ↩︎
  2. Spurgeon, Expositions of the Doctrines of Grace. ↩︎
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The Missing Ingredient in Too Many Marriages: Joy

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared at Focus on the Family’s The Focused Pastor. You will regularly see articles I have written for The Focused Pastor here. However, I will continue to write articles for both pastors and all Christians. If you are not a pastor but you find this helpful, please pass it on to your pastor! Also, the biblical marriage principles about joy in marriage apply to all marriages.

Like cupcakes missing sugar, too many Christian marriages are missing a key ingredient. Just because a marriage is missing this ingredient doesn’t mean it’s not a marriage, just as a cupcake missing sugar doesn’t mean it’s not a cupcake. But neither “tastes” good. 

When we realize that what is at stake is not a bad batch of baked goods but potentially a poor reflection of the gospel through our marriage relationship, we will do all we can to put the ingredient of joy back into our marriages. Many Christian marriages, including ministry marriages, would be sweet again if husbands took the lead in loving their wives joyfully.

My wife is usually pretty positive with me, but one evening, she looked at me and said, “Did you know you’re pretty grumpy most of the time right now?” That knocked me a little off-kilter. She knew things had been stressful at church. She had been supportive and prayerful with me. But after I stopped defending myself in my mind and started to think about what she had the courage to point out, I asked her more about it and realized that she was right. I was getting so consumed with trying to stay on top of pastoral ministry while dealing with multiple fronts during a difficult season in our church that it was negatively affecting my parenting—and our marriage.

I had to ask for forgiveness and start to make changes. Nothing was immediate, but choice by choice, joy began to seep back into our marriage and family. 

As I evaluated what happened, I realized that in trying to be Jesus for my church, I had not loved my wife like Jesus loves the church. Ephesians 5:25 is loud and clear on our calling: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” 

Love to Love Your Wife

One specific way that Christ loved the church, a way that God calls us to echo his love in our marriages, is that Jesus loved the church joyfully. He loves to love us. Do we love to love our wives?

Jesus doesn’t just put up with the church. He receives joy by giving us joy (Hebrews 12:2). Jesus doesn’t love the church grudgingly but persistently. He joyfully and persistently loves us. Jesus’ love doesn’t change based on our relationship with him on any given day. 

When wives know that their husbands love to love them, there is a security in marriage that develops and strengthens over years. This security frees a wife to be an even greater blessing to others. Also, when we love our wives so joyfully that it’s obvious to her and others, a sweetness develops. When a pastor and wife exude this sweetness to their church and others through the genuine joy in their marriage, their marriage “smells” like the gospel. A joyful marriage covenant points to the New Covenant.

Cultivating Joy

Here are four ways to cultivate more consistent joy in your marriage as you strive to reflect Christ in the love you have for your wife.

1. Spend intentional time together.

Jesus delights to be with his bride. Yet, I am shocked at how quickly I can coast in marriage. The demands of ministry, bills, raising children, home repair, and just making it through each day can mean that I look up and we haven’t had enough intentional time together. We have found that a weekly date night is unrealistic in this season of five kids, including toddlers and teenagers. But we can still purposefully set aside one night or more a week to cuddle on the couch together while we watch a movie or talk. And we can still intentionally carve out times that we go out together without kids, both for a few hours and occasionally for a few days. 

Are you as intentional to spend time with your wife as you are to follow up on shepherding issues at church?

2. Talk about what God is teaching you.

Joy ultimately comes from Jesus (Luke 2:10, Matthew 28:8, 1 Peter 1:8, 1 John 1:4). When you invest personally in your relationship with Jesus, true joy will seep into your marriage. I have found that when we talk about what God is teaching us, whether spontaneously or as an intentional question, it encourages each other’s walks with the Lord and begins to spill over into our marriage relationship. Pastors, God is teaching you in the Word every week. Share some of that with your wife, not as an additional sermon but out of the joy of knowing Jesus. 

3. Act like Jesus is King.

One of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever heard from another pastor is to talk about church matters as appropriate or needed with your wife for just a little bit when you get home. Then pray together about it before moving on with the evening if there’s a pressing issue, but act like Jesus is king. It is easy to bring things up again and just go around and around about ministry. That is okay to a degree if it helps you serve others together, but at some point, you need to have discussions that are not ministry-related, especially if the issues are stressful. Give it to Jesus, and let it go for the evening (Matthew 6:34).

4. Serve together in some way.

Serving as a pastor does not mean I am automatically serving Jesus with my wife. It can be okay to serve in different areas of the church or family life, depending on the season of life and giftedness. After all, she is not a pastor because she is married to you. But I have found that doing some ministry purposefully together has been helpful. For us, that has been as varied as visitation, foster care, planning an outreach together, or being on the worship team together. Serving together purposefully can bring joy to your marriage, reminding you that God brought you together to glorify him.

Brothers, does your wife not only know that you love her but know that you love to love her, as your Savior does? The marriage of A.W. Tozer leaves us with a somber warning. In his book I Still Do, Dave Harvey recounts: “Tozer was a spiritual giant—a man of spectacular faith, incredible insight, and compelling godliness. But Tozer neglected his wife, Ada, and their family in some pretty stunning ways…After Tozer’s death, Ada remarried a man named Leonard Odam. Dorsett [Tozer’s biographer] writes of a poignant moment when Ada was asked to describe her life with her new husband. ‘I have never been happier in my life,’ Ada observed. ‘Aiden [Tozer] loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me.’”[1]

Brothers, we can love both Jesus and our wives well. We are called to love both. A marriage that “smells” like the gospel will have one often-overlooked ingredient: joy.

[1] Dave Harvey, I Still Do (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2020), p. 193.

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The Transforming Power of Hopeful Love in Marriage

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the July 2023 edition of Lifeway’s HomeLife magazine under the title, “Love That Hopes: It May Be as Simple as Keeping Your Wedding Vows.”

Photo by Geoffroy Hauwen on Unsplash

Seminary was hard for me. I worked full-time and didn’t sleep enough, given the graduate studies and babies at home. Although I excelled in some classes, the distractions of work and exhaustion of the pace of life for that season made subjects that were more difficult for me, like Hebrew, even harder. But the hardest homework I ever had was in one of my last classes, The Pastor’s Home.

I had to rate myself and my wife on a scale of 1-10 for each of the attributes of true love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. The idea was to put my name in place of the word “love,” and then my wife’s name: Tim is patient. Tim is kind. Tim bears all things. Tim hopes all things.

My wife, Melanie, had to rate me as well. She was gracious but honest in her ratings for that homework assignment. The one that hurt the most was a low rating on: Tim hopes all things.

My absence and rough edges had stacked up during those four and a half years of grinding through school.

My professor explained to us that in this category, he wanted us to rate each other on whether our spouse looked for the best in us and looked for what God was doing in our life. I was shocked at the low rating, but at that point in our marital growth, I learned to listen more when my wife shared openly. It was homework that hurt but helped. I needed to hear that I had too often been harsh and impatient as she grew into being a stay-at-home mom while I was selling cell phones and parsing Greek verbs.

Hopeful Love

Looking back at some of my words and attitudes during that season, I feel sick about them. God clearly showed me through that painful and helpful homework that I needed to grow in “hoping all things” and reflecting the patient love of Christ better to my wife. She had been so patient with me. Even more, Jesus had been patient with me. I needed to be more loving towards her by “hoping all things.” How often would your husband or wife say that your love for him or her “hopes all things” as true love does, based on 1 Corinthians 13:7? What we need in our marriages is the hopeful love of Jesus.

The essence of hopeful love is that God isn’t done with us yet. This requires faith. It’s essentially the same faith that believes God’s promises of the gospel for yourself. In a love that hopes, you’re simply bending the promises of the gospel out onto your spouse, finding hope in the fact that the same Holy Spirit at work in your life is at work in his or her life as well. Jesus has promised he will continue the work he has begun in you—and in your spouse. This means there is always a reason for hope in marriage. Hopeful love isn’t only a manufacturer of hope, it is also an engine of change. Hopeful love can change the trajectory of your marriage.

When Jesus looks at you, He sees you as already sanctified (made holy). When Jesus looks at your believing spouse, He sees him or her as already sanctified. This hope is anchored in the power and promise of the gospel. The apostle Paul writes to believers, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11). Paul was writing to upstanding model Christians who had never had marriage problems, right? Wrong—he was writing to the Corinthian church. They were a mess. They were far from maturity in Christ. At the beginning of the same chapter, he was addressing how some of them were suing each other. The church needed to apply the gospel to the current mess and the messy past.

Before coming to know Christ, some of them had been sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, people living in homosexuality, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, revilers, and swindlers (see 1 Cor. 6:9-10). Talk about baggage brought into a marriage! But in Christ, he doesn’t say they will be forgiven and changed someday. He declares on the blood of Jesus, “And such were some of you!” (1 Cor. 6:11a). 

Every married couple needs hope. They need to know that Jesus doesn’t only see us as made holy in the future. With the ultimate eyes of faith, our Savior sees us as sanctified today because of the radical spiritual reality of the gospel: “…But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11b).

Radical Grace

Part of what God calls us to as husbands and wives is to see our spouses with the eyes of Christ; not for who they are in their sin, but for who they are with their new identity in Christ and for who God is making them to be.

In fact, Jesus sees your spouse not only as already sanctified, but also as already glorified—in his or her glorious, perfect state in heaven (Rom. 8:30)! If this sounds too good to be true for a spouse who sometimes says thoughtless things, then you’re starting to understand the gospel. It is radical grace. Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does: Riddled with shortcomings (as you are too), but with the potential to live more like Jesus in the days to come and with the promise of being perfect one day in heaven. 

Growing as a Christian means seeing your spouse like Jesus does.

If you’re married to an unbeliever, God has called you to trust that He is at work in your spouse’s life, and part of that work is being married to you. The Holy Spirit powerfully reminds you: “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Cor. 7:16) Continue to pray for your unbelieving spouse and continue to love your spouse like Jesus, day by day. Although the promises of the gospel–including Jesus seeing your spouse as already sanctified–don’t apply until your spouse bows his or her heart to Jesus as Lord and Savior, you still honor God and can know that you’re doing all you can to improve your marriage when you pour out the grace of Jesus. When you look for evidence of growth that affects your marriage positively, you’re reflecting the love of Jesus.

Do you see the good things that God is doing in your spouse? Do you see and appreciate or mention the best in him or her now? Write down a few things you’ve noticed recently that God is doing in your spouse’s life and make a plan to tell him or her. It could be a direct way for you to point to the reality of Christ’s active work and to express hopeful love.

Transforming Love

After that difficult homework assignment, I made it my goal to grow specifically in “hopeful love.” I tried to find ways to help my wife to shine. I made sure we had time for her to have opportunities to serve at church that were life-giving for her. I gifted her with an art class because I knew that she is artistic but rarely has an opportunity to enjoy making art. I prayed more specifically for her growth rather than brooding. I tried to always remember that Jesus is patient with me, and Melanie is patient with me—so I need to do the same. Over the years, hopeful love has done its transforming work. Melanie has told me that she now feels (most of the time) that I see the best in her. And the reality is, as this has become a habit, I do.             

Hopeful love has transformed our marriage. We’re now both more patient with each other. And yet, it’s not a patience that is always longing for change, in the sense of, “I will be happy once my spouse acts this way.” Rather, it is a sense of patience that says, “I love you just the way you are. And yet, I also delight in how God is changing you. I can’t believe that out of the billions of people in the world, He gave me the privilege of having a front-row seat to His work in your life.”

Hopeful love not only transforms marriage, but it also makes it sweet.

For further reflection. Showing the hopeful love of Jesus to your spouse means:

·       You can be hopeful with conflict: You can believe that you won’t always fight often.
·       You can be hopeful with communication: You can learn to communicate in healthier, more godly patterns. 
·       You can be hopeful with finances: You can work together better and grow in managing and spending your finances. 
·       You can be hopeful with sex: You can still grow and learn together. 
·       You can be hopeful with parenting: As you make an effort to grow in godly parenting, God can use that desire to have an impact on your husband or wife and ultimately on your kids. 
·       You can be hopeful even in sickness: God can heal and God can carry. 
 
In short, hopeful love means that you can keep your vows: “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…” The very act of making wedding vows is an act of hopeful love. Keeping those vows means continuing that hopeful love, day after day.
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Your Faithfulness Affects Us All: A Plea to Empty Nesters to Continue to Pursue Their Marriages

Note from Tim: This article originally appeared in the May 2023 edition of Lifeway’s “Mature Living” Magazine.

Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash

“Do you have a few minutes to talk during my break?” the twenty-something barista asked me as I took my cup of coffee from him in one hand, balancing commentaries and my laptop in the other hand. I could see strain on his face. I had first met him just a few months earlier. We worshiped at different churches in different communities, but he knew I was a pastor and I could see he needed to talk.

Thirty minutes later, he sat across from me in the coffee shop and poured out his broken heart to me: his dad had just announced his unfaithfulness and that he was pursuing a divorce. This hit my new friend hard. He had only been married a couple of years, and he had always looked up to his dad; his parents had led him to the Lord.

A couple of days later, I sat in a church member’s home during our small group. When it came time to share prayer requests, he asked for prayer for his parents. His mom had just announced she had a boyfriend and was pursuing a divorce. This set of parents was in their early sixties. He was shocked and saddened.

What this pair of circumstances days apart showed me yet again is that unfaithfulness—or faithfulness—in marriage affects those around us in profound ways. My friends, both married men who had been out of the home for years, were nonetheless deeply affected by their parents’ marital drift. The majority of my marriage counseling is with empty nester and retired couples, a common trend. The problems that are often swept under the rug while the kids are at home have a nasty way of coming back with a vengeance after the kids have left the home. The call to pursue your husband or wife is just as crucial three or five decades into marriage as it is in the first couple of decades of your covenant. Here are three ways to pursue faithfulness in marriage during your empty nest years.

Remember you are leaving a legacy. Your marriage is not just for you. Your choices in your marriage today affect your grown children, your grandchildren, and generations you will never meet. Investing in your marriage today could give hope to the future marriage of your grandchildren who are now in elementary school. My grandparent’s 64 years of marriage still encourages me today.

Remember that your faithfulness honors Jesus. Unfaithfulness in your marriage may affect us all, but so does faithfulness. Your faithfulness in the later decades of marriage remind us that Jesus still redeems, and that Jesus still empowers. Pursuing your spouse in your several-decades-old marriage reminds us that Jesus has an enduring love also, because the covenant of marriage was designed by God to point to the New Covenant love of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33). 

Remember God’s promises of hope and joy. During Isaiah’s time, Israel struggled to believe that God would be with them to the end. Could the same God who had saved in the past break through the circumstances of today? This consolation from the living God still rings true: “Listen to me . . . all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been sustained from the womb . . . I will be the same until your old age, and I will bear you up when you turn gray. I have made you, and I will carry you; I will bear and rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:3-4) 

God created your marriage covenant all of those decades ago. He was with you when you said, “I do,” and he promises to carry you until death do you part. But he doesn’t just promise to help his people grin and bear it; he is also the God who can bring hope and joy. He loves to bring renewal. He resurrects marriages just as he resurrected Lazarus.

It could be that the golden years of your retirement are the golden years of your marriage. With Jesus, all things are possible. Brothers and sisters, your unfaithfulness affects us all. But your faithfulness also affects us for good, more than you will ever know.

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The Secret to Loving Your Wife Better: Love Jesus Better

Note from Tim: This article originally was published at Focus on the Family’s “The Focused Pastor” ministry. The content applies to non-pastor husbands as well!

This post was also featured in Tim Challies’ A La Carte.

I recently heard somebody say that one of the ways to endure well in ministry is to realize that ministry is not about you. It’s all about Jesus. The same is true of marriage. When you embrace that marriage is about Jesus first and you and your wife second, one of the secrets of a joyful, enduring marriage comes to light: love Jesus better, and you will love your wife better.

As pastors, it seems we should know this instinctively. Our calling is directly tied to helping others know Jesus better. But we are no different than our church members. We must constantly remind ourselves that marriage is about Jesus first and works best when we love Jesus first.

As I have studied what the Bible says about marriage – both for my growth and for those I shepherd – I have become convinced that Christ’s relationship with the church is the controlling metaphor that God has given us to help us understand marriage. A controlling metaphor is a word picture that explains something for an entire work of literature. At the beginning of the Bible, when God created marriage in the Garden of Eden, He initiated a human covenant relationship that He knew would reflect the relationship between His Son and His people. Even so many years before Jesus, even in the Garden, God pointed ahead to his Son.

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

At the end of the Bible, when God plans a celebration feast for the consummation of the ages, he describes it using what term? The marriage Supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7, 9)! When we love our wives like Christ loves the church, we play our part in a story that has been told since the beginning of time, a story that all creation will continue to celebrate at the end of time as we step into the beginning of forever.

Paul points this out in Ephesians 5:31-32, when he quotes Genesis 2:24, and then explains there are depths to marriage we can only begin to understand on this side of eternity: 

“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” 

Marriage refers to Christ and the church. God embedded marriage in culture as a quiet pointer to the gospel. So, when we love our wives well, we point to Jesus. But also, when we love Jesus well, we love our wives better.

Closer to Jesus, Closer to My Wife

After two decades of marriage, I have noticed a pattern: when I am closer to Jesus, I am usually closer to my wife. Why is this? Paul David Tripp helpfully explains in his book, What Did You Expect?: 

“A marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship…No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.”

This applies to pastors as much as anyone else. Yet, there are certain dangers inherent in our vocation. We may think that because we serve Jesus daily as part of our job, we are naturally close to Him. But one test of a man’s walk with Christ is how he treats his wife. This is not to say that if we are close to Jesus, we will always be close to our wives. The fact that you are a sinner married to a sinner in a world groaning under the curse means your marriage will have ups and downs. But making your relationship with Christ a priority is the start of finding the freedom and power to love your wife humbly and selflessly as Jesus loves us, no matter what is going on in your relationship or ministry. 

Order Your Love Rightly

When you remember that Jesus is your first love (see Revelation 2:4-5), his love naturally overflows out of your life and into your wife. It’s not that loving Jesus and loving your wife are commands from God that are at odds with each other, it is that we can only love others rightly when we order our love rightly. 

Jesus explained how loving God results in loving others: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39) Your wife is your closest neighbor, so Jesus’ words remind us of our priorities as shepherds of God’s people: love Jesus, love your wife, love your kids, and love others, including your church family and community.

Fellow pastors and ministry leaders, don’t forget that there is one time the Bible commands you to get drunk: “…Be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:19). God wants you to be drunk with love for your wife. This is best for you, her, your kids, and your church, and it glorifies God. Pursue her simply for the joy of pursuing her and because you love her. But don’t forget that you will love your wife better when you love Jesus. Root your pursuit of her in the fact that Christ has pursued you. Embracing this secret can be the secret to embracing a joy-filled marriage.

Rekindle your love for Jesus, and be in tune with his heart for reflecting the gospel in your marriage. Then your marriage will be like a fire that keeps you both warm and gives light to others.

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A Loving Life: A Book (and a Life) that Small-Town Pastors Need

This article originally appeared at Small Town Summits Articles. I serve as the Content Manager for Small Town Summits Articles.

There are books, both in the Bible and on your shelf, that can sometimes take you by surprise. They are books that God uses to shake you up, to comfort you, to strengthen you, or to show you blind spots in your life or ministry. The book of Ruth and a book about Ruth, A Loving Life: In a World of Broken Relationships by Paul E. Miller, both did that for me recently.

The book of Ruth has left our church, and me, changed. A Loving Life left me in tears as I read the last page, something that hadn’t happened to me in a long time.

I had planned to preach the book of Ruth for Advent this year, and about a month before I would begin preaching it, I was at a Small Town Summits Leadership Retreat. One of our co-founders, David Pinckney, recommended A Loving Life, a study of Ruth, and said that it was one of the best marriage books he had ever read that isn’t really a marriage book. Since I love studying the topic of marriage and was going to be preaching the book of Ruth soon, I ordered it that week. A month later, I ordered it for our Elders and Deacons to read and encouraged their wives to read it as well, and ordered another copy for our church library. It’s that good.

There was something about studying the book of Ruth at this season in our church’s life that was just exactly what we needed. Church members were encouraged to see God working in ordinary lives in a small town through ordinary means of kindness and hard work. There was a freshness to the gospel as we saw how God prepared the line of King David and ultimately the line of King Jesus to come through Ruth and Boaz. We marveled at the patience and mercy of God in bitter Naomi’s life as she thought she had returned to Bethlehem empty, but then experienced the fullness of God’s grace by the end of the book. And we were challenged and inspired by Ruth’s kindness and chesed love as she reflected the covenant steadfast love of Yahweh over and over and over again throughout the book.

A Loving Life helped me to process the book of Ruth in bite-size chapters that explain a small portion of the text, with robust application and illustration for today. Here are three reasons that the biblical lessons from A Loving Life are especially relevant to small-town pastors. 

Reminders that God Works Through the Small and the Ordinary

God’s providence is all over the book of Ruth and because of this, all over A Loving Life. It is impossible to read these books and feel that God is distant or uninvolved in small places and ordinary lives. Bethlehem was not Jerusalem—yet this is where this great drama that ultimately leans towards God’s plan of redemption in Christ takes place. Ruth went to work gleaning in a field to provide for her and Naomi while Naomi grieved—and through that ordinary act of work God provided food, a husband, a baby to continue the family line, and a place for Ruth and Boaz in the kingly line of Christ!

Small-town pastors need to often be reminded that God works through the small and the ordinary. We need to hear what Miller writes: “To love is to limit…Ironically, the experience of love, of narrowing your life, broadens and deepens your life….Love always involved a narrowing of the life, a selecting of imperfection. So God’s love for us lands. It landed in Bethlehem sometime in the fall or winter of 5/6 BC as a little Jewish boy. God’s love is so specific it boggles the mind.”[1]

Reminders that God Works To Humble Us and Then Exalt Us

In one of the most significant chapters in the book, “The Gospel Shape of Love,” Miller explains how God often brings resurrection through death to ourselves. He explains how we are not trapped in a pagan view of the world, a cycle of life and death. Rather, because of the gospel our lives literally move through a “J-curve” of life, death, and then resurrection.

This is not only about eternity, because many times this is how God works in our lives as followers of Jesus today. We are called to die to our dreams and desires to live for what God has called us to. For small-town pastors, this often means humbling ourselves to be content with a small, hidden place of service, knowing that God sees and knows and cares. When we don’t work to exalt ourselves but to exalt Jesus where he has sovereignly placed us to serve him, we are in exactly the place he wants us to be. As Miller describes this spiritual principle: “As we go downward into death, we are active: active in seeking humility, in taking the lower place, in mindless, hidden serving. This is the journey Jesus took…We can do death. But we can’t do resurrection. We can’t demand resurrection—we wait for it.”[2] In dying to ourselves, in exalting Jesus, he lifts us up, giving us contentment today, occasional vistas of his work through us today, and ultimately invaluable eternal reward in heaven.

Reminders that God Works Through People Committed to Love

Over and over again, we see Ruth absolutely committed to loving others, and in particular her mother-in-law Naomi, whose God she now serves wholeheartedly. By studying the life of Ruth, we are challenged to love others more like how God calls us to—whether that is through loving your spouse, your children, a widow, a foster child, that difficult church member, or the person in your small town who hates the presence of your church in the community. The kind of love Ruth displays again and again is a quiet pointer to the love of her greatest descendant, “…the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20b)

A Loving Life is one of those rare books that I felt I could have just dipped in highlighter. I hope that you will read it and be challenged and encouraged and changed. I hope that you will share it with your leaders so that you can all grow into excelling still more at living lives of love. I’ll let the very end of Miller’s book leave you with the last word:

Everything Ruth does—from walking through the gates ignored and unthanked to giving her newborn son to Naomi—is a function of her love for Naomi…You simply can’t beat love. You can’t out-humble it. You can’t suppress it, because you are always free to love no matter how someone treats you. If others are putting nails through your hands, you can forgive them. If someone is shouting curses at you, you can silently receive them. Love is irrepressible.

Faith and hope will one day pass away, but not love. Love is forever.[3]

[1] A Loving Life, p. 74.

[2] A Loving Life, p. 71.

[3] A Loving Life, p. 156.

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Celebrating the Years Together: A Husband Shares Christ-Centered Insights Gleaned From Sixteen Years of Marriage

Note from Tim: I originally wrote this article for Lifeway’s HomeLife Magazine. It is republished here with permission & this blog post may be shared. By God’s grace we have now celebrated 17 years of marriage!

MY WIFE, MELANIE, AND I recently celebrated 16 years of marriage. Sometimes it seems people think that because our marriage is sweet that it must be easy. I’m actually skeptical of people who proclaim that marriage is easy. Joyful, yes. Easy, most days. A Christ-honoring marriage requires commitment, sacrifice, and a willingness to grow. We’re both sinners, but God in His great grace loves to empower, redeem, and bless couples that are committed to growing in love for Him and for each other.

Knowing that Jesus should make a difference in our marriage and yours, here are 16 Christ-centered insights gleaned from 16 years of marriage.

Hold onto hope & onto each other, no matter what kind of season you’re in right now.

  1. Stay Close to God
    When I’m reading my Bible daily and talking regularly to the Lord in prayer, my relationship with my wife is usually improved greatly. Why? Your spouse was never designed by the Creator to fulfill for you what only He can.

  2. Don’t Forget Your Covenant Vows 
    Love is a wonderful gift from God, but feelings or even acts of love in and of themselves will not sustain a marriage. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote from prison to an engaged couple in his church, “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but … the marriage that sustains your love.” When you said I do, you entered into a covenant before God and witnesses. Remember that the vows you said at your marriage can sustain and even strengthen your love.

  3. Embrace Love as a Sweet Gift of God
    Enjoy every moment of wedded bliss. Life in a fallen world will throw curve balls at you. Sickness and stress will remind you often enough that you don’t live together in Eden. So relish those moments that are echoes of Eden! There is a Bible verse that reminds me to enjoy life with my wife, and that not everybody is given even 16 years together: “Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life, which has been given to you under the sun, all your fleeting days. For that is your portion in life and in your struggle under the sun” (Eccl. 9:9). Life is a vapor. Enjoy your spouse’s love and love your spouse back with all that you have.

  4. Help Each Other Grow in Christ-likeness 
    Encourage your spouse to take advantage of opportunities to grow in Christ. Make it easy for him or her to be involved in a Bible study. Talk about what God is doing in your life and what you’re learning about Him. Get deeply involved in a local church where you can worship, learn, and serve together.

  5. Have Fun Together
    My grandparents, who were married for 64 years, used to say that one of their secrets for a happy marriage was laughing together. They were right. If your marriage seems more like a roommate situation than friends and lovers, maybe it’s time to plan a fun outing together that you will both enjoy. The happiest part of any of my days is seeing my bride laugh.

  6. Grow in Communication
    Anyone married for more than a few weeks knows that we don’t automatically communicate in God-glorifying ways that lift each other up. God has put you on the same team to help each other out as you work, serve Him, create a home, and grow together. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess. 5:11).

  7. Always Look to Christ
    We, as married couples, have the awesome job of reflecting the relationship between Christ and the church to the world, our families, and other believers. Our marriage is to be a picture of the gospel to others. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband” (Eph. 5:22-33). When we look to Jesus for how to treat our spouse, He also gives us strength to do so.

  8. Plan Time Together
    Work and life responsibilities can be consuming. I’m so thankful for the pastor I worked with when Melanie and I were married. He brought me to Deuteronomy 24:5 and taught me how the Israelite men would stay home from war for one year after getting married so they could focus on their new marriage. He taught me that spending time with my wife was never wasted time. God makes it a priority and so should we. Don’t coast in your marriage.

  9. Pursue and Embrace Forgiveness
    Melanie has taught me more about how Jesus loves me than anyone else because she has lived with me point blank for 16 years and yet she continues to love me and forgive me when I sin against her. “And be kind and compas- sionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ” (Eph. 4:32).

  10. Remember That You’re on the Same Team
    We clear up conflict much quicker than we did when we were first married 16 years ago. Why? Partly because we know that we’re on the same team. There is only one who is our enemy and that’s Satan. When you know deep down that you’re on the same team, it goes a long way to building the “one flesh” kind of unity that God calls us to in Genesis 2:24.

  11. Love With a Serving Love
    The Savior wants me to love my wife like He loves her. One of the best ways I can do that is by learning to serve her. Jesus showed His love to His disciples with a basin and towel as He washed their feet. There is nothing God can call me to do for my wife that is too great of a sacrifice. “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Your Savior laid down His very life for His bride.

  12. Love With a Hopeful Love
    God calls us to not only love our spouse for who he or she is, but also to pray for him or her to grow into godliness, even as you grow in your walk with Christ. Remember that God isn’t finished with your spouse yet. Who your spouse is 16 years from now will in part be a reflection of how well you have loved him or her.

  13. Pray Together
    I’m still growing into this. Over the years, I’ve been challenged by godly men to pray every day with my wife — and more than just at meals. I’ve found that without purposeful planning, it won’t happen. Praying together will help you to pursue God as a couple. It will reveal and knit your hearts together as you come to the throne of grace as one.

  14. Hold Onto Each Other During the Changing Seasons
    Your marriage will change with the different seasons of life as you both change over the years. I’ve known my wife as a college student, young professional, pastor’s wife, new mother, and mother of a middle schooler. She has known me in a similar way. One day, Lord willing, we will know each other as grandparents and retirees who are still serving the Lord. Some seasons are more difficult than others, but when we press into Christ and toward each other, even the trying seasons can become beautiful as God matures us. Hold onto hope and onto each other, no matter what kind of season you’re in right now.

  15. Build a Legacy
    Live with each other not just for this moment, but also for the next decade and the next five decades. Having the perspective that our choices today will impact our children and grandchildren — even generations that we will never meet — will build patterns in our lives that put eternity first. The legacy of a couple that is deeply in love with God and madly in love with each other has a bigger impact than we will ever know until heaven.

  16. Expect the Best to Keep Getting Better 
    I thank God every day for Melanie. I can’t imagine life and love without her. She’s mine and mine alone. This applies to your spouse too. The pastor who married us 16 years ago looked at me during the ceremony and said, “Tim, Melanie is God’s best for you.” Then he looked at Melanie and said, “Melanie, Tim is God’s best for you.”

Continue to pursue your spouse, God’s best for you, every day. “Be lost in her love forever” (Prov. 5:19).

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The Engine That Drives a Good Marriage

This piece first appeared on The Gospel Coalition site.

“I do.” With those two words, my life was forever changed. It was a cold but sunny December afternoon. About 200 family members and friends smiled as the pastor who’d mentored me asked me if I would take Melanie as my lawfully wedded wife.

I still remember standing there in my suit, more excited than I’d ever been in my life, and experiencing something rare: a calm nervousness. I was calm because I was looking into my bride’s radiant eyes. But I was nervous because I knew I was stepping into something bigger than me. I knew my life would never be the same. My calm nervousness welled up into thrilled joy when she looked at me with a huge grin and exclaimed those two words as well.

We were married.

What I couldn’t articulate at the time, but what I’ve experienced day by day since, is that I needed the gospel to be a picture for my marriage but also the reality that supports my marriage. I wanted our marriage to point others to the gospel, but I also knew we’d need a power outside ourselves to sustain us over the long haul of covenant love.

What I needed, what I continue to need, what you need, is the gospel as a picture for marriage, resulting in marriage as a picture of the gospel, all sustained by God’s omnipotent strength.

Gospel Contemplation

God has created an incredible dynamic between the gospel and marriage. The gospel is for us to look at and emulate, but as we look at this incredible painting, an amazing thing happens. Our marriages begin to become a picture themselves that point others to the gospel.

This back and forth between the gospel and marriage is one reason that, in Ephesians 5:22–33, the apostle Paul seems to go back and forth between talking about marriage and the gospel. The two are intertwined by design.

You have to begin by looking to Jesus—to how God loves you in covenant relationship—before you can share this kind of love with your spouse. Because one aspect of the gospel is this incredible picture of the marriage relationship, we can grow in our marriages when we look to the love of Jesus for his bride.

I like to call this gospel contemplation, since basking in the rays of what Jesus has done for you and beholding the gospel in all its intricacies is helping you to better understand true covenant love. Every married person should think about questions like: How—specifically—does Jesus love the church? What is unique about the way he loves her?

Gospel Reflection

But you also need to see how your marriage is a picture of the gospel. I call this gospel reflection. A reflection in a mirror isn’t the reality, but it’s a good likeness of it. The mirror might be bright and clear, or smudged and dirty. But the reflection points to the reality just as our marriages point to the covenant relationship of God with his people. So we need to evaluate periodically what kind of picture of Jesus we are portraying in our marriages.

There is a problem I have every autumn. We live in Vermont, and I will see a mountain bursting with gold and orange and red, and try to get a photo with my iPhone 7. Invariably, it doesn’t even come close to capturing the jaw-dropping display of colored foliage. I need an upgrade to a real camera. I can see the beauty, but my equipment doesn’t have the power to reflect it.

You may feel the way I do about my smartphone camera when you think about trying to reflect the gospel in your marriage. You see its beauty, but you lack the equipment to accurately reflect it. So the problem, and the solution, is plain: you need Jesus in order to point to Jesus.

Trying to reflect God’s design for marriage without leaning into Christ is like trying to drive 75 miles an hour with your radio blaring and wipers going, but not stopping to put gas into your tank. Try loving your spouse like Jesus loves the church without returning to the source of gospel power, and your marriage will soon run out of gas. In fact, it’s like trying to drive your car without an engine at all.

I’ve noticed almost a direct parallel between my walk with Jesus and how I treat my wife. When I’m in the Word daily and talking to Christ in prayer, I tend to reflect more clearly his love for my wife. But when I’m surviving on spiritual fumes, it’s so easy for me to grow impatient, selfish, and rude.

The gospel is the engine for your marriage. So look to Jesus, and as much as possible, look to him together.

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